Having No Hope

Nobody has a perfect life. Mines definitely isn't. It doesn't even come anywhere close. All my life, I have been trying to find my place and purpose. My identity. But regardless of where I turn, I always feel unwanted, left out, and rejected. A if I can never fit in anywhere in this world.

Growing up, I have witnessed all the foulness a person can ever be from my father. From the way he abused drugs to how he mistreated people, including his own family. He hasn't been anything more than a cheating, wife-beating, drug user of a scumbag who lives to do nothing more than scam people regardless of who they are. Moving away from him, I thought that phase of my life is all over. I guess not.

Your past has a way of haunting you, they say. Honestly, I believe that with all my heart. Karma sure does have its way of making people pay for their mistakes. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to be fair at all sometimes. You see, I always have the feeling of me having to pay for my father's mistakes since he doesn't seem to be learning his lesson. Growing up with my maternal side of the family, I felt like I was left out. It's hard living as the least favorite child.

Moving to a different country for a fresh start? I'm not too sure. Yes, we moved to a different country. I thought that after a while, I'll be able to fit in. Surprisingly, it wasn't with family where I felt like I fitted in and felt accepted. You see, I have been feeling left out since day one because I not only did I come from a completely different place, but I had an accent too. I was looking froward to getting to know my relatives here and reconnecting with them but the feeling was not reciprocal. I was just the outsider. I still am. Of course it didn't help that I'm not the favorite daughter no matter how hard I tried and how independent I was. Nothing at all mattered and my efforts was just flushed down the drain. I asked myself all the time (and I still do), whatever did I do wrong to feel like this? Is it because I look like my father, whom we all despised? Or is it something else?

Growing up, I had an escape, as what I called it. I would spend weekends at my grandaunt's place to vent out or relax. But it was still hard not knowing if I truly belong with who are supposed to be my family. I don't have a father and I have been longing for my mother's attention and everyone's acceptance, especially hers. Somehow, everything just seemed to have gotten worse later on.

I was doing things before regardless of how I felt. I wasn't a straight-A student, but I had good grades. I was even enrolled in Honors and AP classes back in high school. I was also an active student taking part in different clubs and after school activities. I tried to be an accomplished student to the point where I made it into our Peer Counselors Team in our high school and was even part of the newspaper team. I was at one point a Staff Writer and got promoted to being the News Editor in our high school's Journalism Team. I was ecstatic! During my senior year, I started working part time after school at a local fast food. Since I was not obligated to pay for rent at home, I used my earnings to fund my other necessities such as toiletries, school allowances, transportation (yes, I commuted all the way through by city bus), cellphone and internet bills, etc. Proudly, I still had extra to support my habits, my leisure of going out and shopping for things to reward myself for all my efforts. At the time, I thought I had it all. I was going places. All by myself, without help. And soon, slowly but surely, I'll have a place of my own and doing greater things. But the unthinkable happened. I'm still at awe with how it happened and how I could have let it happened. I just simply could not believe it. How could it have been?

Experiencing what I have experienced growing up, I vowed to a few things. Since I grew up not having a mother figure to talk to and bond with, I vowed not to let my future kids experience what I have experienced. I am a mother now and though struggling, I am trying my best to not let my hought. You see, when I vowed not to end up with someone like my father, I ended up with someone who is just like him. I ended up marrying an exact carbon copy of him. Since then, my life has been a living hell. A disrespectful, manipulative, liar he is. Exactly like my father. My daughter is the only good thing that has ever come out of this marriage. Now, I fear the worse - that she's living the life I have lived. We don't deserve this. Not me, especially not her. Being unemployed without a driver's license makes it so much worse. I'm looked down upon and treated worse than crap. There is no one I could trust except my daughter. I only wanted the best for us. And I want us to be able to leave and live together peacefully away from all this chaos. But how? The justice system have already failed me. My husband has burned all bridges with my family, and all the other employment resources are not willing to hire me because I am not a college graduate nor do I have a driver's license. I do have a permit yet no one is willing to drive with me so I can practice. I literally have no one. So, where do I turn to when all else have failed?