Dear Mr.blue
That is what I will refer to you as in this letter. I am writing this to express some pain I have been enduring. Through all these painful memories that keep surfacing up as I attempt to heal my heart. I have come to a realization that I need to forgive you and let what you have done to tear me down, humiliate, and caused me such pain, that I can never recover from. I have learned that the pain that you have caused I will never recover from it, I can only rebuild. Before I can even think about rebuilding on a sketchy foundation I gotta get rid of this hate. I dislike carrying around hatred, for it only weighs me down. The more my hatred grew for you the more I found more emptiness inside. I have to stop feeding this hatred so I can fullfill my soul with love again. Hatred makes me empty. Things are happening in my life great things, things I never thought I would ever be able to do. Dreams that I had given up on. They say god works in mysterious ways doors have been opening for me. I have found a flow. The one branch that keeps holding me back is my hate. So I will not continue to let you have such power in my life anymore. The more I start to wrap my head around everything that has happened these past years, I begin to have an understanding that some humans are evil, not because they are born that way. Only because life’s hardships has made them this way. Survival you might say. I am not condoning what you have done to me, and I am not denying my part either. I had to find compassion for myself and forgive myself for allowing you to continuously hurt me over and over. Now it is time I dig deep, real deep for the compassion to forgive you. I have to forgive you and forget you. I guess my attachment to you ran so deep that I was willing to hang on to the last thing I had from you. The ruins in which my pain lives, my heart, my mind, my soul. I am now so willing to let it go. It no longer gives me a sense of comfort, only anger. Anger is no good for the liver and after all the crazy drug use and drinking my liver has endured my luck is probably running low. So Mr. Blue I release this hatred towards you and forgive you for everything I know that you have done and all I do not. I wish you the best in life. I wish that you find happiness within you, and find whatever it is you are looking for. May you prosper,and finally know the importance of peace of mind. I find myself wanting to text you but I know you have moved on and respect you and her. Because I know how that feels to be in her spot if I were to text you, and you being compelled to hide something from her. That is not my style. This was the only way to forgive you, let go, and rebuild on a non hating foundation. I came up with wisdom I endured a whole lot of lessons Mr.blue 101. I got to find out a lot about myself in my darkest hour. I finally got sober, found a new purpose in life, and a new perspective so for all of this I thank you. You were not a waste of time after all.
Sincerely Eesh
About the Creator
aysha valenzuela
Hello I live in the desert hiding in the shade from the beautiful powerful sun in az. I’ve lived all over southwest I dig experiences meeting new peeps and music is life. I am a nomad,I go where the wind takes me I’mhoping it blows me east.
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Hope as I cope
The voices ahh! These voices in my head. I’m not talking when u say something in ur head. I am saying full blown loud in your ears voices. It is not something people want to talk about if you are hearing them. I figured I would, since I am pretty open about it as I can be and I would like to connect with others who might be going through the same thing. In hopes that we can gain comfort with the simple fact that we are not alone in this. Alone, although I’m far from alone I am feeling extremely alone in this battle. Well I do not want to so much call it battle, but an experience. My mind has playing tricks on me. Who would have thought in their right mind this would happen to them. Go about doing what you have to in life to be at a screeching halt bam in limbo. When everybody moved along to the now future, and the past lagging behind. Your stuck arguing with these fucking menaces or demons whatever you would like to call them. Constantly leaving you in flight or fight mode just awaiting for that cancer to manifest and metastasize. I feel these voices want me dead not to kill me so much , but to make me get rid of them myself. They are out for blood, pulling out any dark emotional abuse they can possibly throw at you. When you do not fight back or pay them no mind they get louder, then when your finally weak enough they pounce for blood until your this lifeless bloody sack of shit. This is exactly how I feel when I am laying there as shit and they keep going until you just start having fantasies of the unaliving misconception of truth that sometimes……..death is better. Nothing else really matters at that moment of suffering, I mean there really is not anything that could be worse. You really cannot look at who you have become and really want to go back. All that is replaying in your head is relief. It is difficult to get out of that mindset it really is I mean it is possible but it requires a lot of teeth, nails and hair. Drugs make it worse or make you feel dead anyways so why even bother. Every person here will never take you serious if you tell them you hear things, what you say is never valid ever again, and you end up feeling just as alone as ever with a bunch of people pointing and staring. Relationships just dwindle down a spiral of deception and betrayal. In a sea of heartbreak floating not knowing where you should go, and have no paddle. You have no choice but to just sit in it bask in it. Trying not to drown completely and gasping for air you take a fucking chance. Whatever it may be for anyone else you just go ahead and go for it. I move tomorrow nobody knows but a few people using the wind to push me because I have no strength to paddle. Will it be better will it be worse who knows. Do I really have to know? Maybe not where I go, but I do need to have an understanding of my recent past. Will I get it? Probably not. Hopefully. Maybe I gotta find another exit in this labyrinth and relive every dark turn crevasseand secret opening that I might have missed, before I can get to this exit. Well tomorrow I begin a new chapter with a bittersweet feeling of the last chapter. I found that for these kinds of chapters, I realize they were necessary for growth sometimes you have to take that scary jump to try something again or new or even both simultaneously. Sense is not made to me anymore it has to be made by me. Everything I knew I no longer do. For the better or worse I mean which is which. My brain thinks in all ways you can possibly think tends to drive me mad. I lay here in hopes the truth and relief unfold soon because I do not know if I will get out of this one. High hopes,just copeing with this experience trying to keep breathing air not water. Life can feel like a curse, a punishment, but I will keep searching, searching for a reason again. Search for me again.
By aysha valenzuela3 years ago in Journal
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