Fat Bitch

So sorry for the distasteful title but that is what I thought of as soon as I opened my eyes today. I am a fat ass bitch. I need to lose weight. I have never been as heavy as I am today and It really bothers me to my core. I am 35 years old and all my life I remembered how I felt as a young girl. I will never struggle with weight, I will stay slim and fit. I won’t struggle with weight the same way my own mother and aunts have. Well, guess the fuck what? I am and it sucks so bad.

The Struggle IS Real

I am going to be really honest with you all. I am somewhere between 230-250 pounds. Maybe more now. I haven’t had a scale in my home for like three months. Mine broke and I have not got a new one. I need to though. I was 255 pounds before COVID hit. Most people gained weight. I however lost it. I couldn’t taste or smell anything. What I did smell or taste smelled awful and it tasted awful. I would gag over the smell of things I once loved to eat. I lost 25 pounds and I felt good. I started gaining my confidence back, and I started to work out and watch what I ate. Well, I had to watch what I ate because certain things to me would make me sick. I didn’t lose much more weight after this loss.

What I did lose is the job I loved so much. I gave up. I binged. I didn’t care. I was embarrassed. I felt like a loser. Then I got a new job a few months later. I tried very hard at this job. I dressed nicely, I made sure I was always on time, I didn’t miss any days, and I tried so hard to get it down. I couldn’t. I thought I was doing the right things because in my brain that is exactly what they just told me to do. I had three people check my work before it was finalized and somehow it slipped through me double checking my work and three others suppose to be checking my work and getting the call “She did this, she didn’t do that” two months in of having notes, training, doing my best and I still was getting calls about stuff I missed or messed up. I was losing my mind. I swear what I did was correct. I swear whoever it goes through after me is messing with my work. I didn’t understand.

That Friday after a week of hell and mistakes I cried and cried all the way home. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t doing things right. Why I was forgetting things. Why didn’t I know what I was doing? It seemed like everything I did had something slightly wrong with it. I lost it. I bawled my eyes out all the way home and that is a 50-minute drive. I was hysterical. I was so mad at my mother because she had me diagnosed with depression, attention deficit disorder, and oppositional defiant disorder but never checked to see if I had a learning disability. I barely made it out of high school. But I did. I graduated by the skin of my teeth. Before that, in middle school, I failed 6th grade, took summer school, and went on to 7th grade. I ended up failing 7th grade and repeated it the following year. How I was never tested for a learning disorder is a mystery to me.

I was smart in other things yes. Reading, Writing, American History, Gym, and Music. Math was very hard for me. I couldn’t pay attention in chemistry because it didn’t interest me. I was super focused on Musci, bands, artist, history in music. I was always interested in working out, back when I was in school it was the early 2000s. low rise jeans, bones sticking out. You know my reference. I always thought I wasn’t skinny enough. I was. When I got pregneat with my first kids I gained sooooooo much weight. So much so I got stretch marks not only on my belly but my legs as well all the way down. I did however manage to lose the weight. Not all of what I gained but I got down to a comfortable size. Then I got pregnant with my second child. I gained very little with this one and lost the weight after I gave birth but I gained some weight back when I got severely depressed. I have been up and down since then. My last child I was already obese with when I got pregnant. I gained with them and lost some but not all. Then I lost with COVID and gained it all back and maybe a few more pounds. I don’t know what I weigh now I am bloated and constantly having issues with heartburn and indigetion.

Weightloss Options for a Low Life

So I went to my doctor for weight loss medication. I had got the information from one of my aunts. She puts me on Welbutrin. She said it helps with my depression and helps aid in weight loss. It worked for maybe a month or two. Now I feel like I need it to stay sane. Then I ask her for something else. She offered me Pherntermine. I was excited to try it. I had to pay $20 a month but I was willing to pay the extra for it. It did help me lose weight. It stopped working after a while. She told me it was not for long term use. I said no wonder it doesn’t work long term and with me already being overweight I got high blood pressure readings. Well right on the cusp of having it. I discontinued that. At this point in time I did not have a behavioral health doctor and she finally gave me a referral to one. After speaking with them they put me on a nice cocktail of drugs. None for weight loss

I have meal prepped, I have planned my meals, I did have workout regimens, I did walk, I got all the stuff at my home for a decent workout, I did have gym memberships. Mostly for the tanning beds and treadmill. I do drink a lot of water. I did workout videos, I have used the myfitnessapp, I bought a book catered to me and my needs, I got on a vitamin plan and had them mailed to me each month. I do take gummie vitamins for a multivitamin and I take ones for hair, skin, and nails. I have taken pills to get rid of my water wight, I have taken laxatives. I abused my prescription for Methylphenidate. It stopped working.

Finally I saw a drug that actually works. I tried to call and see if my doctor could prescribe this for me. She said that my state issued insurance would not cover this type of weight loss drug nor any of its generic or other types out like it out there. I said fine. How much is it a month? Maybe I can pay for it. I was thinking It would be around $20-$50. NOPE. It costs like $1500. I was so upset. Just because I don’t make enough money for health insurance I pay for monthly or just because my work does not offer health benefits I can not get that extra help.

Us on state assistance meaning using snapr and state insurance cannot afford to buy all organic foods. Fruit and vegetables, or meat. especaiily meat. Trying to feed a family of four with only $400 a month. What can you afford with that? All junk and easy processed foods. State insurance is great it does really help a lot. But there are things that it should cover but don’t. I don’t understand how it covers a gastric bypass or sleeve but not a shot to help you lose weight. I wish I could stave myself like I could in school or find the energy and time to workout 6 days a week. I wish I could afford all the good nutritious foods out there and the powders that boost my energy, give me glowing skin and helps me get swole but I simply cant right now.

Why So Serious

Well I need to lose weight for my health. I have panic attacks and anxiety attacks about having heart attacks and dying because I am overweight. I stat to panic and I start having chest pains. Then I cant catch my breath, then my whole body starts getting all tingly and I start to black out. One time I had a very bad episode where I thought I was having a heart attack and I was going to die and this clown I live with tells me to just go to sleep. In my head I was dying. So I jumped into my car and I started making the 55 minute drive to the hospital. I had to pull over twice because I couldn’t catch my breath my body was going numb and I was in and out of blackness. I got scared because I didn’t want to wreck on my way there so I pulled over and called the ambulance. Then I just said nevermind I will make it to the hospital. I drove myself in there, checked myself in. They gave me an EKG and told me everything looked okay with my heart.

While I was waiting for my results I was writing letters to my kids about how much I loved them and how I will always be with them even if they can’t see me. (has me tearing up thinking about it) Texting my Parents and siblings how much I love them and what I wanted at my funeral. How I wanted my kids to be raised and by who. I thought for sure I was a goner. I stopped energy drinks for an entire year. I know they are awful for you but I did start drinking them again. Not every day but I do. I changed my medication. I tried diets to lower my blood pressure, I tried diets that helped with my heart. I did not stay on track with any of it. My moods from week to week or month to month cannot keep up with what I wanted that month or week before. I am a different person. If I could figure out my mind maybe I could figure out losing weight and being healthy.