Explosive Temperament

That. Is. IT. I’m. DONE.

I have HAD IT! YOU WOKE ME UP!

Neighbors, you have encroached on my yard for far, FAR too long!

Your stupid cars and your stupid houses! I like my trees, and I know bleeping well where the boundaries of my property lie!

NO MORE BEING A NICE NEIGHBOR! I’M FINISHED WITH YOUR DISRESPECTFUL ATTITUDE!!

I’m wide awake now, and this creeper behavior will no longer be tolerated, and police won’t affect me at all! Come at me, coppers!!

My anger has been building for a long, long while, so now it’s time for some freaking payback!

Let’s start with you, with the yappy – what is that thing? A… dog? You actually call that a “dog?” Well, whatever. Let’s see how many brain cells and instincts remain after I torch your house, shall we? WHOOSH! HA HA HAAA!!! Oh, what a lovely inferno! Shouldn’t have built with cedar wood, it has such lovely oils, and you stained it after all that? Aww, so sowwy it’s pretty-colored ash now, at least you had the smarts to take off in your shiny new car with the yappy thing once the fire got going! I hope you took all the money in that heavy safe you had in the basement, you’re gonna need it wherever you’re going! Toodle-oo, don’t come back now, ya hear?

Who next?

Oh, how quaint. A pool. A freaking pool. Lovely island, surrounded by pristine water, and you think chlorinated fresh water is better? That is such a bleeping waste of perfectly potable water. You stink, and so does your pool. There! Now it’s an acid bath, wanna dip? Awww, c’mon- hunh, they seem to be taking off too. What a shame!

YOU. You’re such an idiot, you rip out all these beautiful native plants to lay down… sod? Here? What’s wrong with you? Sun get to your head in Paradise? What use is freaking grass to the animals that live here? And you come out of your house with a pair of scissors to trim it, AFTER you ride that stinking oil-guzzling machine around and around your yard at positively ungodly hours?? Here, let me get rid of that grass for you, I’ll smoke it myself! HA! HA!! Get out of here, you nightmare of a neighbor!

And you! With that particular haircut, and TWO of the yappy things, that like to bite the children! What are YOU looking at? Think you’re gonna get a selfie with the local weirdo who snapped? Here, how do you like fire bombs? Here, catch! And again! Aww, diddums drop your yappy things? See, they have the sense to run away, you think you’re gonna stick around for more likes? Wanna get a little too close? I’ve been stockpiling fire bombs for YEARS, want some more? Ooh, lookie, you dance real well! Looks like one exploded too close to you, better take off before more than your hair catches on fire!! HAH!! Hope your followers like that image!

You know, I really don’t like people well enough to let you all escape. I’m sick of your roads cutting everything apart. Here, let’s see how flammable asphalt really is… OOOOOHH! That’s fun! Aw, a ten-car pileup from people thinking they can outrun me and my flamethrower?? Nah, let’s crisp them cars too, there’s enough inside to burn! Especially since you-all were kind enough to stuff them full of papers and other things that you thought were sooo important! Aww, run away, I’ve got sooo many more fire bombs! More fire bombs than you have papers, HAH HAAAH!!!

What next?

Ahh, here come the police. And the fire trucks. Yeah, can’t get through my lovely wall of fire, can ya? Aww, such a shame, you just have to use those stupid loudspeakers to warn people off. There are other ways out of this town, but with all my fire bombs, seems even the helicopters can’t get close enough to pick you up.

See? The natives are smart! They took off in their canoes as soon as I started roaring. They know! They remember! You don’t mess with me!!

Hmm, how shall I lose my temper next?

Oooh, lots of stuff burning! Ashes! What a lovely idea!

I’ll smoke out more neighbors with ash clouds!

I know how to set fires! It’s about the only thing I do well, so lean into it, right? The wind, of course, is in my favor, so let’s aim it at the whole village, right?

Aw, the sounds of cough cough, choke choke! That’s right, run, run away! Take those stupid animals with you! Silly imports, can’t look after themselves with a bag of chow open and spilled right in front of them.

WHO’S NEXT??

Awww, YOU! Buy a boat with FOUR outboard motors, roar around the place like you own the bay, disturbing all the marine life for miles around? Foul the water with your noises? Spill oil and trash into the ocean, can’t even dispose of it properly? Drive around in a huge truck you imported at great expense, just to impress the ladies with your tiny genitalia? FIRE BOMBS! Lots of them! How does it feel to see it all go up in flames, including that pathetic boat of yours? Can’t maneuver it for squat when it’s full of holes, can you?? Hope you can swim with a concussion, “dude!” Hang ten!

Ahhhhhh, a sea of glowing orange, as far as I can see. And at the edges, swirling lights and noise, to keep out the other humans with their cell phones, taking videos. Steam and residual ash rising, drifting, and the steady drip-drip-drip of melting stuff. Metal skeletons of structures poking through the destruction, and the gentle clink of things beginning to cool down.

That’s what happens when I blow my top!

Now, let me sleep! Stay off my lawn! Go away! Don’t come back!

Sincerely,

Kīlauea Volcano