Dishonor

“Kim and I are seeing each other and were in love. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.” Jake said. “You’re a liar Kim would never do that to me, why would you want to hurt me like this.” I screeched. “There was a long pause. “I’m sorry I wanted to tell you before but she didn’t want to hurt you, call her and ask; she’ll tell you.” he said “That’s my best friend. She would never do that, why do you hate me so much that you’d lie on her.” I hung up the phone enraged. My thoughts raced 1000 miles per hour. Why would he do this to me we were no longer together but why befriend me and act as if he cared about a friendship, all to take another stab at me as if the break up hadn’t hurt me before. It had been more than a year and yet the sting or rejection still slightly lingered. I wanted the friendship I guess, but truth be told Kim had been spending the last year pushing us both in each other lives feeding me the idea he still wanted to be with me. Now here I’m sitting with my head spinning in confusion. All from a few text and a call between my only two friends in the middle of my work day. I was sick to my stomach on why he wanted to destroy me or my friendship for that matter. What if anything had I done to this guy?

I dialed my friend Kims’ phone number, she was never gonna believe this mess, she had been wrong about him. I tried to remain calm so my coworkers wouldn’t notice I was losing it inside but it would be forever til I got a break, so I tried to not draw too much attention to myself. Kim answers the phone. “Hey lala.” She said in a low tone. “ I just talked to Jake; you’re never gonna believe what he said. She didn’t really reply much, but not sure I left room, I spoke quickly trying to catch my breathe and get it all out of me. “ Jake says you and him are together; you’re in love. He’s telling me all these lies. You were wrong he doesn’t love me; he’s saying all these nasty things to hurt me. He’s pretty f’d up. Why is he doing this to me?”

Silence on the other end. “He’s telling the truth.” She finally said. All my thoughts became a trance everything just paused to be honest I don’t know where I faded or much of what she was saying. There were slight sounds coming in muffled on the other end of the receiver. “I wanted to tell you it’s not his fault.” Kim said apologetically. Truth be told I can’t even recollect if she even said the actual words ‘I’m sorry.’ Everything went numb inside of me, my soul broke I could no longer see straight or understand what was happening. I couldn’t even process a thought of what I felt or what she meant. Was this actually happening where was reality.

Were my ears hearing what I think they heard. It was being said I think but was it real, am I real? What the fuck is happening? I begin to sob. The tears rolled hot down my face. My left arm begin to burn from the inside as if someone was slowly lighting a match from inside. A slight pain stung me all on my side. I couldn’t tell if I burned with anger or pain; I only felt confusion defeat and anguish. Life itself escaped me on whatever existence was. Whatever joy had been there only minutes before left as if someone had turned off a light switch or threw me off a plane without a parachute. I couldn’t think or see straight at this point.

I’m not sure what happened next, I just know my boss was pulling me to the side very concerned; no one had ever seen me cry. I responded, saying a few things about the call I got. She appeared slightly annoyed I’d been on my phone during a shift and clearly trying to reconcile in her mind how to handle this. Yet she concluded, I was no good to her in this state. So she begin to tell me I could go home and rest. At least that was the jist of what she stated. There were words from us both yet I remained slightly disconnected to what was being said. I was in motion yet nobody was home. I pulled myself out of the building and dragged myself down the street wiping my face embarrassed as I could not keep my face in public. I still had my pride but the blow was too much to keep it together. I took each step I could in the hot sun dragging my bag behind me headed to the bus terminal. It was the walk of defeat and I felt like death all I wanted to do was fall to the floor curl up in a ball and pray for someone to bury me 6 feet deep. I wanted to die in a hole alone.

I wept that entire bus ride . When I got home I dropped my bags and laid out on the carpet held myself in a folded position and cried and cried and prayed to just die. The man I had loved had broken my heart came back for a 2nd round. He not only tore me apart but he killed all hope of any future friendship wed had and took my best friend right along with him. My best friend had betrayed me for a man shed met through me and according to him shed been lying to my face for more than a year. She had not just been seeing him, shed pressured me time and again not to move on yet to wait for him because she knew for a fact he still was in love with me. Time and again without me even asking her shed assure me he wasn’t over me yet; she even encouraged this new found communication between he and I. I’d spoken to her about going on a few dates with new guys after the breakup which she discouraged saying it would look bad if I desired to work it out with jake.

I’d place my life and heart on hold for a man I was ready to have closure with so long ago only to find been seeing him this entire time. Every story shed told me about some new ‘mysterious guy’ she was dating was my ex. I now knew the man shed cheated on her previous boyfriend with was my ex. This girl had taken the time to create stories and lie to me every month for the last year over a betrayal I hadn’t even considered. I now understood shed thrown away almost 10 years of friendship for some guy shed only known because of me. To the person I was closest to my feelings meant nothing in comparison to what she wanted. She not only betrayed and lied to me, yet she led me to a place of shame and made me look desperate. After all my loyalty truth and friendship this is how she repays me. I believe I’d never felt this great aching in my soul before nor would I ever feel this pain again.

Laquell Gashi

09-27-2021