Dear Diary, I Was Born Into a Nightmare Pt. 1

I remember when I was just starting high school, and my dad had been deported from the United States back to Nigeria. At that time, my mom could not afford to keep our condo in Maryland so she, my sister, and I moved in with my Grandmother in Washington, DC. My mom's older brother and I took a walk to the convenience store and on the way there I remember him telling me that he was jealous of me. He said it was because of my age and that if he could be my age and go back he would. I didn't really get it at the time. He said, "You'll understand what I mean one day."

Now that I am in my late 30's, I have no kids of my own (neither does he), but I do have a niece who is starting middle school next year. And I can't imagine feeling jealous of her. I feel more nervous for her than jealous. I want her to avoid the same mistakes that I have made. I want her to live a better life than I have lived. I want to see her flourish and grow as a human being. I get the whole wishing that you could go back... who wouldn't wish for that?

But now that I am a grown woman who can actually see my narcissistic uncle for who he actually is, I realize that the conversation we had back when I was 13, was not at all normal and that he is not normal.

What he was actually saying was, "I don't want you guys to move in with my mother and I because I can't stand that you may have an opportunity to turn out better than I did."

That was 25 years ago. Since then I have not had much go on in my life... but I've at least moved out of my moms nest. Now I am back. Not only back in my mother's nest, but she and I are back living with my Grandmother and this same uncle. He used to be my favorite. Now that I know the real him.... he creeps me out.

I guess this is growing up?

I am going to dive deeper into my family dynamic at some point because it's deeply narcissistic. Like, very high up on the narcissistic spectrum, and if I don't find a release soon I am going to combust. This will happen whether I am around my family or not because the effects or narcissistic abuse do not go away simply because the narcissists aren't there anymore. I need to open up about this more.

Waking up one day being almost 40 and suddenly realizing that your family is insane..... I can't even find the words to adequately describe how it feels. The closest thing is a nightmare. A horrible nightmare. You begin to realize that you only saw your family life through the lenses they prescribed for you and that you don't actually know them.

How do I explain what it feels like to realize that the family you thought you'd known your entire life are actually more like strangers to you? To find out that you have been living in a cycle of neglect and psychological abuse the entire time? Even worse... they don't even acknowledge this or they may not even be fully aware of it because it's normal to them!

I read so many books that recommend having little to no contact with narcissists. The truth is I didn't even need to read that to know it. I had been wanting to escape since I was little girl. I would literally fantasize about living on my own away from stress, dysfunction, and disorganization when I was like eight years old or something. When I got a little older I would literally pray to God to bless me with a safe space away from them.

He answered that prayer too.

But 4 years later I am back and I have never seen my family members they way that I see them now. So clearly. I will definitely be going more into detail about my entire family dynamic, it's so sick and triggering that it will take time for me to get all of my thoughts out but I am finally going to do it because I have to. I have no choice. Holding all of this in is not healthy.

Anyway, diary, I gotta go. Sorry I couldn't give you more of an update on the positive things going on right now. You know me, I usually only write diary entries when I need to vent and you have been a trooper throughout my life so, thank you.

Kandis <3