Nothing Else

All that I ever do is lay in bed. It's beyond laziness. I have all these things I truly want to do. I even have things that I need to do that I am not doing. I am not living. And I don't know why. Am I afraid to live? Am I afraid that the moment I get up off of my rock bottom that life will kick me right back down?

What is so wrong with fresh air?

What is so wrong with conversation?

Why do these things that I did so naturally before feel so taxing to me now?

How can I be apart from the world, and still co-exist with evil?

I cannot stand evil intentions. Even at those times when my own intentions are evil. I hate it. It sucks energy, good energy out of my body. It sucks hope out of every cell of my being. For as long as I can remember it has been getting sucked out of me little by little. And it's finally adding up.

I hate depression. I hate spiritual oppression.

I can't even pray. I try sometimes, but why can't I just do it every day?

Why is that so hard?

Where is the person that was inside of me before? I loved the outdoors. I was a home-body who was also a busy-body. I used to have a need to get out of the house and soak up nature. I used to need interaction with other people. Today it feels forced. It feels like I'm checking something off on the unspoken rule list by socializing with anyone.

I used to love other humans. Maybe even a little too much when I think back. But now, I don't even need to talk to an actual person anymore. I'm fine being all alone in this world with my cat.

The person I am today is not someone that I know. She goes outside a few times a year. She gets bruised easily by every word that comes out of other people's mouths. She hates people can't even stand to be around them because I have so little good energy left in me I can't tolerate what they say and do. Who is this lady that I have become?

I don't want to be just another one that lived and died.

And what I mean by that is, I don't want demons to destroy my relationship with My Holy Father and then kill me. I'm so sick and tired of seeing them win in this world.

I can't stay still anymore. I need to move. My mind, body, and spirit need to move.

Father, I'm praying that all of the impurities in my heart be lifted out and revealed to me so that I can become aware of who I truly am. I pray for the guidance to navigate deliverance from my sin, and deliverance from the demonic oppression that I experience on a regular basis. I pray that the interests and desires of my heart begin to align with Your interests and desires. That each day You and I are in tune with each other constantly. Never let me disconnect from you again. Never let me forget the promises that You have made. I want to always remember Your love, and Your mercy. I never want to forget that it is only by Your grace that I am even able to still ask You for help at all. I never want to forget that there is nothing I can do to make you give up on me, and that as long as I seek you, I shall find you. I never want to forget that Your ways and Your thoughts are nothing like mine. You do not think like me. The is no limit to Your love. There are no conditions to your love. You will always love me. You will always forgive me. Not matter how many times I ask. As long as I earnestly and honestly ask, You will forgive me. The enemy wants me to forget that Your Son Jesus died as a sacrifice for all my sins, past, present, and future. I never want to forget this again. I want to learn how to stop sinning for good.

I know that this prayer is dangerous. I'm aware that the enemy may do everything in his power to intercept this prayer. I know that more trials may be unleashed upon my life and that my test may become even more challenging to endure. But I have told You time and time again. I will never give up. I will never ever completely stop talking to You. I will never ever intentionally work against You. Ever. Never. You are all I remember throughout my entire life. I cannot imagine a life without You there. So I will endure the temptation, the offense, the provoking, and the bullying until the end. I will never put my cross down in the dirt.

Lastly Father, allow me to become a person that you can trust with Your power. Let me know your secrets. Adopt me into your family. Let my blood be the same as Your Son's, let my body be the same as Your Son's, let my mind be same as Your Son's, let my spirit be same as Your Son's. I want to be Holy. I want to be used by You to do whatever Your will is. It is in the name of Your Son Jesus Christ that I say, Amen.

To close this entry, I do not care how lame this sounds to anyone out there. Because nothing matters more than this.

Until next time,

Kandis

“Be careful that no one misleads you,” returned Jesus, “for many men will come in my name saying ‘I am christ’, and they will mislead many. You will hear of wars and rumors of wars—but don’t be alarmed. Such things must indeed happen, but that is not the end. For one nation will rise in arms against another, and one kingdom against another, and there will be famines and earthquakes in different parts of the world. But all that is only the beginning of the birth-pangs. For then comes the time when men will hand you over to persecution, and kill you. And all nations will hate you because you bear my name. Then comes the time when many will lose their faith, and will betray and hate each other. Yes, and many false prophets will arise, and will mislead many people. Because of the spread of wickedness the love of most men will grow cold, though the man who holds out to the end will be saved. This good news of the kingdom will be proclaimed to men all over the world as a witness to all the nations, and the end will come.

Matthew 24:12-14