Dear Anxiety

Dear Anxiety,

I hate you. I hate you with every fiber of my being.

Every time I think of how you have invaded my life over the years, how you've taken away my light and ruined relationships, I feel pain, I feel sadness, but most of all, I feel despair.

I was only a pre-teen when you first came into my life. You showed up without warning, and in full force. I became acquainted with you quickly, thinking you were a gift that would help me navigate difficult situations that I may not have encountered before. I thought I could rely on you to send alerts when things were not as they seemed. Little did I know, you were an evil beast who fed on my worry. You took hold of me and never let me go, making even the smallest experiences into mountains that I could not climb.

I began to doubt whether you were truly looking out for me, or if you just wanted to see me second guess everyone and everything. I could occasionally ignore your alarm bells, only to have you creep up again after the fact, poisoning my brain with terrible thoughts. Why did you do that?", "what were you thinking?", "you are going to get in trouble now?", "think before you act", "you are so naive", belittling me until I am no longer able to see the truth. To see that these thoughts, emotions and fears are irrational and unnecessery. But that's always how you've acted... with no regard for my well-being.

I was a teenager when I began to understand that you had no intentions of leaving me, of letting me move on even though I tried and tried to get rid of you. I would buy books and journals, and all kinds of gadgets marketed to help relieve the symptoms you caused me, yet somehow you always found a way to make things worse. I could not escape you, and that was exactly what you intended.

I am an adult now. I have a full-time job, I have responsibilities. I get up every day and try my best to get things done, yet somehow you still pull me back in a treat me like a child, egging me on, telling me that I should just stay home.... that I should just stay safe in my bubble. You try to break me, to make me rely on you as I have for years. Eventually, you wear me down. I feel so exhausted that I stop taking care of myself. I feel the need to stay in bed all day, hiding from my responsibilities. I feel worthless and like a burden to my loved ones when I’m reality you are then, not me.

I am writing this letter to you now, not because I feel I have freed myself of you, but because I want to tell you that I will not let you win. I will fight with all that I have to silence your voice, no longer making room in my mind for your toxic words. I will learn to trust myself again and to understand when my worries and fears have gone too far because of your influence. You will not control me. You cannot control me.

That is all I have to say to you, Anxiety. These will be my final words, and when we part ways. When you stop influencing my life and leave me be for good. This is when I start to see the light once again.

Don't let the door hit you on your way out.

yours truly,

Amanda