Crossroads

I made a spur-of-the-moment decision a day before Valentine's Day last year, and that was to create my own Vocal Facebook group. I don't want to bore you with my redundant story, but I've written about my account here. Besides those reasons given in that article, another reason why is at the time I wasn't working. I just came off carpal tunnel surgery, and the recovery process was and still is long; my hands will never feel the same. I would throw a tantrum, but I don't want to mess up my hands anymore anyway I could barely write, and the Facebook groups I did participate in were very meek. I tried to breathe life into those groups without disrespecting the admins. Still, somehow, I stepped on a few egos, so I decided to use a hiccup into a challenge and create my own Facebook group Vocal Creators Saloon. For the first few months, I was excited, motivated, and open to creating a community that many members yearn for during lockdowns. Everyone seemed vulnerable and sensitive and had time to engage with fellow writers. Once outside opened and the lockdowns lifted, my group took a nosedive into the depths of hell. Engagement went down, helpers that would help me no longer wanted to, members talked less and posted their stories more, and I found myself working overtime to breathe life back into the group.

I'm what you call a ghost follower. I don't always comment, but I read stories and keep my ears to the streets on what's going on in the Vocal world. What I would see was hurtful and disturbing in some instances. Disclaimer I'm sensitive as hell, and I take everything personal. I've accepted that side of me; it's hard to create some separatism, so when I see members who were once active in my group become consistent and engaging in others and use my group as the city dump to post their stories and dash, I find that hurtful. I'm constantly asking, "what did I do wrong?" Most of the time, it's nothing. People use different groups for different things, and I shouldn't take things personally.

Being an admin impacted my mental health early on because I was so focused on the numbers that I would panic if something weren't right. The group's first anniversary is coming up on Feb 13th, and I'm not even excited. I had a whole parade on how I wanted to celebrate, but I'm so discouraged to announce it because I know nobody would come. It reminds me of that fake video of the mother saying that nobody would come to her son's birthday party, and he's just sitting at an empty table with a party hat and a cardboard tasting pizza. No matter how old I get, I hate rejection. I use that uncomfortable feeling to avoid feeling embarrassed.

The members who've left my group and requested to be in my group again. I see you, members who have talked about me and smiled in my face once again. I see you to the members who "lurk" in my group to report to others. I SEE YOU. I constantly keep a tally on who's authentic and who isn't, who loves to kiss ass, and those who lie about one thing and do another. I don't get mad at those people because I believe in karma.

One of the main reasons for this rant is that I no longer enjoy Vocal. I was one of many writers who built Vocal to make it what it is today. As someone who has been an active member before the challenges, tips, subscribers, and affiliate links, Vocal hasn't given me my do, and I think it's fair that I demand that. I've written an open letter to Vocal displaying my concerns, and I still haven't heard back.

When I read stories of writers recommending other members to join Facebook groups, mine rarely gets mentioned. So, there's that.

My goal has been for members to get the top reads. I've been a black woman in America; I've always felt this way. To always carry an extra jolt of energy just to be considered or seen by my peers. I'm just tired. I've never been one to run a race where I knew it wasn't fair from the beginning. I've carved my lane and run comfortably, not because I had to but because it felt comfortable there. I've seen so much unnecessary drama with these Vocal Facebook groups that I sometimes no longer want to be associated with the clawing; talking down to or about other people within the Vocal Community doesn't scream Community. If Community is no longer on the mission, please let me know to bow out gracefully.

Now I'm at a crossroads. Do I keep my head down to create this "community" that everyone seems to love, or do I walk away from it because it's a waste of time? I've given myself a deadline on when I will make my decision. Until that time comes, all members in my group will still have their weekly threads and read for read moments.

Before I go, I hope anyone doesn't take offense with this, but please don't run to my aid after reading my rant. I'm not in the space in receiving the "I'm always here for you" and the "I appreciate you creating this group" speech; it just doesn't scream real to me. People will put the effort and time into things they enjoy, and I understand that my group isn't at the top of the list. You would show up if you love the group like you say you do. Right? That's like saying I love and support Target but get caught red-handed leaving Wal-Mart. I'm not saying you can't enjoy both, but with this example, you left Wal-Mart with a receipt and drove past Target.