Covid AGAIN

As I sit at another COVID 19 Emergency everything closed day. Will this insanity ever end? The computer is putting out heat from overuse and my brain is fried from looking at this dam computer screen. If only I was at a place blue like the tropic waters with the sunshine on my face, toes in the soft sand, and my hair in the wind. I would watch the waves crash over and over again looking up at the bright blue sky. The palm trees sway back and forth as the blissful breeze blows the frustration from my mind. I'm in my most stylish bathing suit with a body that fits it perfectly. Maybe I'll read a book or maybe I'll float on my back feeling weightless in the deep blue ocean. The mirage of heat I see drifting just above the sand line in the distance lets me feel the energy and the powerful uplift in this lazy midsummer day. If only I could stay here indefinitely.....

You see this option is much better than looking at my own personal problems. Perhaps this is why I try to stay busy because I don't want to rehash the imperfections of my life. It's amazing that the minute you are not engaged in an activity you start to think of all the mistakes you've made, loved ones you haven't called (talked to in years), and how far you've come from where you started. The last part of the previous sentence could be either positive or negative depending on your mood. Mine today is negative. Probably because I blew off meditation, walking, or even praying. That seems to always make my days better somehow. It's the feeling of the presence of a higher power that is unifying and purposefully loving us without preconceived measures or judgments. Our feelings are attached to our thoughts and our thoughts attached to our words. Words define ourselves and others. So for instance, if you feel lonely your thoughts may be no one wants to be around me and you use words like I'm unworthy, unlovable. These words define exactly who you are in that moment. Words are powerful. We are our words. So please be gentle with yourselves and don't make yourself negative. Instead of seeing your feelings negatively see them positively. I may be lonely but lonely can turn into alone. Alone isn't so bad because you don't have to wear that societal mask to anyone. You can be who you are and do what YOU want to do or NOT do. Being alone can be liberating, infusing, and recharging.

So I am happy. Happy to be alive, happy to have loved ones to share my life with, happy to have my health, and happy that I'm able to express myself in a positive manner. I wasn't always so uplifting to myself or so expression-able. I felt that I couldn't express myself or my feelings in front of others or I'd be attacked by some feeling police or laughing acquaintances who see my feelings as odd or goofy. Besides, I hate when people go on and on about their selves. It just seems so selfish and self-centered. Maybe we do need to be selfish sometimes to teach ourselves that we are worthy to be self-centered.

That's one thing that has always baffled me is that as soon as you seem to know all life's answers the questions seemingly change. I was told by my therapist that change is the only constant in this world. Dam! I hate change. Actually on second thought. I prefer it. I just hate doing what feels unnatural for the first time. After the second time, it gets easier and before we know it we are doing it without even realizing it. That goes back to today and being stuck in the house during this state of emergency. Change is on its way. That is good because the boredom of today will CHANGE and go away. To everyone who has ever thought, how will I get through this thing..... This too shall pass. Everything passes in its own time. So hang on, enjoy the ride, and hold on to those blue blissful beach days.