Confessions of the Mad - Installment Eight

I have been away from my computer for quite some time now. Thank you all for sticking with me through my hard times. It really has been one heck of a journey and I am thankful I took a break from writing. It was a necessary because I was so stressed out. Now to get back into the groove.

As you know, or maybe you don't, I made a cross country move from our home to a new home we bought in Michigan for $36,000. We did this because we could no longer afford Colorado. It was the hardest decision I had to make because my son is still in living with his birth father there.

Prices for everything skyrocketed in our hometown. Not to mention, it was getting crowded in the place where we grew up. Traffic was more than just a headache, it was downright dangerous. Our cars had been stolen three times and broken into twice. They also broke into my sister's car as she visited me last year.

The home we purchased isn't perfect yet, but it's ours. We own a house outright. I never thought this day would come, and it wouldn't have if we stayed in Colorado.

Now a quick update as to what I have been up to for the last couple of months. I was staying with my sister in her home in Michigan for over a month and a half before our house was ready to move into. That in itself is hard because I always felt like I was imposing or overstaying my welcome, even though they tried everything to make me feel comfortable and told me that they really wanted to help get me out there.

My sister's husband was doing all the work that needed to be done on the home to try to make it livable on his free time from work. He had to fix leaks all throughout my plumbing. He spent a lot of time while I stood there stupidly, waiting to see if he needed any help. That made me feel useless and bad about my sister saying not to pay him. I ended up paying him $400 for his time, but he deserved so much more.

Meanwhile, my son didn't take the news of the move so well. He might be better with the news now and I think he understands, but he still doesn't like it. He wasn't visiting me much, but he liked the idea that he could at any time.

He is still talking with me, but rarely. Maybe that's just normal teenage behavior there. I just miss talking with him every day like when he was living with me. I must respect his wishes and hope that he will talk with me more regularly. I don't want us to be estranged.

My husband and daughter stayed in Colorado during all of this. My husband had to sell the business we had there, and my daughter needed to stay in school. It was so hard to be away from them for so long, but we FaceTimed every day. Thank goodness for technology. I have a love hate thing going with it, but at least my family and I could see one another.

My daughter came to Michigan about two weeks before my husband did. We ended up getting her a kitty named Tabs. It's short for Tabby because that is the kind of cat she is. She is a playful and sweet little booger. She fits in perfectly with our family. We are grateful to have her.

When we all came together in our new home, it was completely stressful. Not to mention I was running low on my medication, and I didn't have insurance quite yet. I was fearful everyday of running out. When the time did finally come, I was back to my old suicidal thoughts and deep depression.

I went to the ER and let them know what was going on. She said that she didn't normally prescribe psych meds in the ER, but that she would make an exception for me because I had just moved there and had nothing set up yet. I was given enough to last me until my psychiatry appointment that was set for ten days away. I was more than grateful. Worried about the bill though.

Now you are mostly caught up. Let's see what the day brings.

9 December 2021

Today was the first day that I went on any social media platforms since I last spoke with you all. I spent a lot of my day reading and catching up with my favorite writers.

I finished writing three poems today and was proud of myself, even though they are dark. It's where I am in my life right now. I will have them published before you read this for sure.

Today has been boring because I mostly just cleaned, cooked, read, and wrote. Tomorrow will be filled with more things to get done around the house. I actually like putting all of this together.

My husband has installed and fixed a lot of things in this home so far. Boy, do you have to learn a lot when you are a homeowner, or you will have to pay someone to do the work. We are proud to say we are going the learning route. We want to know the ins and outs of the home ourselves. Now we can say we did that. We made this a home.

Until tomorrow my friends.

10 December 2021

I didn't sleep last night. No big deal, I have plenty of energy after Tara Nicole said she would collab with me on a poem. If you don't know who she is, you must check her out. She is, who I consider, a big name in the poetry community online. And rightfully so, she is an experienced writer who is authentic and raw. She tells the truth and is brave as all get out. I am beyond excited. I've been watching her for a few years now and she inspires me. She is coming out with a book soon and I cannot wait to read it.

I am going to get some outside housework done today. My husband needs help after me sitting at the computer all day yesterday. Today I must move for my health at the very least.

Talk soon 🙃

11 December 2021

I was on my computer all day again and all night too. I am awake all night because I am going on a Instagram live on Monday. I will be a guest on the show and will be sharing four of my poems. I am so nervous. I have never done anything like this before and will need some practice. I am staying up right now to watch other Instagram lives. I know it is not healthy, but this will be good practice for me.

I also went on a live open mic and shared one of my poems. I was embarrassed and awkward, but that is kind of my MO. If you don't know me, welcome to my weirdness. I did okay, I just need to feel more comfortable. I will practice more.

12 December 2021

I ended up staying awake all night. Today my sister and her husband are supposed to come over. I say supposed to because they have been saying they would for over a week now. My sister promises though.

It would be nice to see her. I can always go over there, and I will, they just told us that they would come so her husband could help fix our leak we are experiencing in the shower/tub. We need his expertise.

Today is already sunny and I am now inspired to write. Tomorrow is my ninth wedding anniversary. My husband and I don't celebrate those kinds of things really, but we know we love one another and that is enough for us. The only celebrations we have are the ones the kids care about.

My husband and I have actually known each other since we were fifteen. He took my V card. We were on and off as teenagers and got back together for good at the age of 22. That was fifteen years ago. We have a lot of history together.

I just got asked to be on another Instagram live. He saw me on the open mic last night. He normally has scholars and teachers as guests, but he really wanted to bring me on for my poetry. Staying awake all night sometimes pays off.

My sister did come over and we had a good time chatting while our husbands did some work on the house. We had a nice dinner as well. Now it's my turn to go to her house and hang out.

13 December 2021

Today was wonderful. I had my live on Instagram and I think it went well. We went over five poems, and they all got a sneak peek into my world. The interview part went great. I was interviewed by a dear online friend. We have a lot in common. You can find the full interview here.

I spoke with a friend today that has been drinking her problems away. She had been sober for years and recently went through an eviction. She has been drinking for over two weeks now. She is homeless at the moment. I so wish things were different, I'd let her stay with me if she could ever leave Colorado. She cannot though. I want to be there for her, but I don't exactly know how. I wish she could get some help with her drinking, it will help with other aspects in her life.

I also danced today. I haven't done it in so long, so it was definitely needed. I met an online friend from Pakistan that convinced me to exercise daily and to tell myself I am a professional poet. Positive affirmations and workouts are a must for my health. He told me he would be checking in with me to see how it is going. He's like a life coach. I am happy we are friends.

We have such different customs, and we are learning a lot from each other. He is the middle child of five siblings. They all live with their parents until they are married off.

His sister is getting married soon. His family will look for a suitable partner for her. He said his parents will be searching for a wife for him next. He wants to study abroad and meet someone to fall in love with on his own. If he stays in Pakistan, he has to be married to a partner of his parents' choice. If he studies abroad that is not the case. I hope he gets to find his own love like he wants to.

Let's see what tomorrow brings!

14 December 2021

I missed my psychiatry appointment today. It was scheduled for 8 AM and I slept right through my alarm. They set me up for another early morning on Thursday. I will probably stay up all Wednesday night, so I don't miss it again.

My husband and I are installing Linoleum in our living room today. It looks very nice, and I am proud of us for taking care of the things around our home. We are supposed to wait 24 hours before we put the glue under it before we glue it to the floor. We did not wait the 24 hours because we need a living room. I hope everything turns out good.

My daughter is adjusting to the school system out here. She said everyone is super nice. She does think it's weird that everything is done digitally though. I think this move hasn't been as hard on her like I worried it would be. She seems content. I really hope she loves it here. We have tried to do everything to keep her comfortable, so I hope it helps.

My dog, however, is not adjusting too well. He used to be really good at going to the bathroom outside. I cannot tell you how many accidents he has had. He used to let us know when he needed to go potty. Now it's no warning. He has even gone to the bathroom a couple of times on our couch. Any suggestions will be welcomed.

Tonight, I will dance again, and I will be writing my butt off. I haven't been very confident in my writing lately and so I will be getting back into my groove soon. It helps when you have encouraging friends and family members. And by the way, Thank you for all for your support.

Have a great night my friends. Until tomorrow.

15 December 2021

I am awake at 2 AM and I hear my husband making music. It makes my heart warm. I love being married to another creative. Right now, he is making tutorials online and incorporates a song he is working on in the video.

I'm trying to stay awake really late so that I am prepared to stay awake the following night to meet with my psychologist early Thursday morning. Might sound like a crazy person's plan, but I am definitely not a morning person. An 8 AM appointment is way too early for me.

My daughter asked me yesterday if we had gotten jobs. She said she just wondered what we do all day while she's at school. She made me giggle. I guess she might think we just sit around all day.

My husband and I will be laying down more linoleum tomorrow. We will finish the dining room and kitchen. The rest of the home will be carpet.

I also need to get ahold of my therapy place. They never called me back for another appointment and so I'm worried. Maybe she already set one up with me and I totally goofed and never wrote it down. Either way, I will call tomorrow to get the ball rolling with that.

Here's to me staying up all night. Tomorrow begins next week's installment. I cannot wait to see you there. Thanks again!