Confessions of a Broken Woman: Ocotober 30th

October 30th, 2021

If you’ve read my previous entry, you’ll know I caught my husband of four years, together for six, in his very public and humiliating infidelity with his girlfriend. Never thought I would say this, but Facebook has never been a kinder friend. I never would’ve known if it wasn’t for that. My whole life, my daughter’s life and the life of my unborn child, could have turned out vastly different.

Just to rehash, three days after my 27th birthday, someone close to me saw that my husband’s lover had posted a life event. She tagged my husband in it, who in turned approved it. The fact that they were "Facebook official" went everywhere. All our friends and family saw it before he could figure out a way to take it down. He went as far as hacking my Facebook and disabling my account along with disabling his own.

That close family friend? He took it upon himself to call my mother and ask what happened to which my mother had no clue. I didn’t have a clue either. Everyone knew my marriage was over before I did. My mother told me, and I saw the proof for myself. As you can imagine, my heart shattered.

I finally got ahold of him after trying for hours and at the end of the day… he said he didn’t want to lose his family. I decided to give him another chance to make it right.

Fast forward to a couple of days before Halloween, I started getting suspicious that he was still seeing her from an email that he tried to explain away but you know that feeling in your gut that makes your heart drop and just makes you feel like you’re going to be sick? Yeah. That’s the feeling I was getting when I saw there were several of the same email going all the way back to when I first found out about her.

He was in a different state for work, so he was talking to me on the phone more, video chatting, texting, etc. But then I saw those emails… the emails letting my husband know he had a new message on Facebook from her. So, what do I do? While he’s on a plane back home, I log in to his Facebook and see everything he’s been trying to hide from me for the past month. I took pictures and screenshots of everything I saw and when his plane landed, I called him and gave him the ultimatum. Our family or her. He claimed he still wanted what we have. Spoiler alert: he didn’t.

The day before Halloween, I’d barely heard a word from him all day. Then unexpectedly, a little after I sent my daughter out Trick-or-Treating with my little sister, I get a phone call from his phone…

It wasn’t him... It was the woman in question.

She told me everything. From all the lies he told her about me being a horrible person to telling her that he wasn't the father to the new life I had growing in my belly.

I finally asked him what he wanted… He told me he regretted everything. He never should’ve married me, and he was just using me to escape his problems that he left at home. That he didn’t want the child that I was just barely starting to show with.

He told me I was a mistake.

When I finally got off the phone, there was just a little thread of sanity I was trying my hardest to hang on to. I was struggling to hold on to all my pieces and I’ve never been more thankful that my daughter was out for what happened next.

I walked inside, clutching that string like it was my lifeline. The only other person home was my stepdad, who saw the tears welling in my eyes and instability swiftly creeping up on me.

He asked me the question. The one question that I have never managed to lie my way through no matter how hard I try even on my best day.

“Are you okay?”

That’s when the house nearly shook with my screams of utter anguish and heartbreak as I dropped to my knees and just… broke. I shattered and my pieces were long gone. I have never felt so empty and betrayed than I did at that moment. He held me as I sobbed, knowing my entire world was crumbling around me.

I think I would’ve been okay, or at least a little more stable if she hadn’t informed me that she was carrying his baby to.

Confession: I'm absolutely terrified that there's a possibility I won't love my child when their born with how much resentment I hold for their father.