Aspirations in Waiting

The question is “What is your aspirations for yourself as a creator on Vocal this year?” I can always say that I want to write more and read more of other creators’ art which is true, but I feel like as an artist and a supporter of other creators such as myself would be a given, too obvious and I feel like a lot of other people would say the same. I want more for myself than that and to help you understand what I mean, let me tell you a little about myself.

From a young age, I’ve considered myself a writer. I have old notebooks and journals dating back to when I was 10 years old just filled from front to back of short stories and poems. I have a whole folder of napkins and pieces of scrap paper of ideas I wanted to write but couldn’t quite grasp the words for it yet, the napkins are the reason I started carrying a notebook and sticky notes everywhere I went. It felt like it was my only outlet. I had a talent for something that I could call my own, giving me a much needed voice when I felt suffocated.

I wish to the bottom of my heart that I can say I kept that inspiration. That I continued writing in the margins of grocery lists or still carried a beaten-up notebook but as of recent years, it hasn’t been the same. I was diagnosed with severe depression as a teen. Not that it’s an excuse, many people still write and even use their pain as their own inspiration to put pen to paper, but my adamant passion just dwindled down to a dull ache in my chest. I let this illness get the very best of me and I became voiceless. Amid it all, I lost myself. I became lifeless and disjointed, a walking shell of someone I formerly was. I lost one of the things I held most dear to me, my spark.

Now, I get the ideas, but I don’t jot them down. It feels like the musings just rot away in my mind's eye until it's no longer there. I have the words, but my fingers hesitate on every stroke of a keyboard. I give myself the tools, trying to bring myself back to life, but it feels like I’m behind a glass plated window without a latch to open it and I can’t bring myself to break it down. It’s just within my reach, my fingertips are almost touching it.

But then it’s lost to me. I've given up for fear of losing my voice completely.

My head is always stuck in a whirlwind of ideas and emotions that doesn't seem to have an outlet or an escape, that’s the reason I signed up for Vocal in the first place, in hopes it will give me the encouragement I needed to finally just let go. To break free of this self-inflicted writers block.

But, like I always do, I’ve given myself the tools and squandered it away. I haven’t used it to its full potential like I should have been doing from the start.

This year, not only do I want to write more and support my fellow creators, but I want more than anything to find myself as an artist again, finally breaking down that glass-plated window holding me back and just… let go. To rekindle that fire that has laid dormant for far too long.

I desperately need to find myself again and I plan on using Vocal to do it.