Communication Issues

I have communication issues. More specifically issues communicating to people one on one, but I struggle speaking up about anything publicly as well. I’ve always liked writing my thoughts out, it’s somewhat therapeutic for me to do so, but at the same time I think people may not care about any of it, or people may get mad, so I decide to keep my mouth shut and bottle things up until they sort of just… come out. This is something I’ve struggled with my entire life, but more so in the last year than any other time. Perhaps though, that may be because of my parents, or it may be from having friends get angry at me when I had any sort of thought different to theirs, whether it be politics, religion, or even something as miniscule as food preferences.

Nowadays I don’t really care if a random stranger on the internet gets angry with me because it’s literally the internet and I have the capability of ignoring most of it. I don’t really read comments on any of my posts anymore unless they’re from friends or mutuals, and I don’t really have my DMs open, nor do I look at them hardly at all. This has resulted in leaving even messages from friends unopened for days on end, but sometimes the anxiety of talking is too much to handle, and I hope that they understand that. If they don’t, well… I guess I’ll have to attempt setting better boundaries, despite struggling with that as well.

Talking about my feelings is especially hard for me. The only person that I’m willing to push myself to talk to is my friend in Texas, but even talking to her is a struggle. I’ve had to force myself to have a conversation with her about things I’ve been feeling while shaking and crying the entire time because I was afraid she would get upset. While she did take on a serious tone in her message-style, she was never too harsh, though didn’t sugarcoat anything she said either. Despite that though, a lot of the time I find myself unable to believe the reassurance.

It isn’t her fault at all, and I hope she knows that. After years of expressing your feelings and opinions and being shut down or ridiculed for it, it isn’t any wonder that I and many others with the same problems are wary of accepting any amount of kindness. First it started with my parents, both having very prominent mental issues in hindsight, and then it led to my more personal friendships. I wouldn’t say they had mental issues, moreso just the ideology that anyone who thought differently to them and showed they may be uneducated on the matter were evil vile people that needed to be shunned. We’ve seen an increasing amount of that in today’s age as well, which is very unfortunate. It shows a severe lack of maturity and I feel greatly for the next generation that might have to deal with their parents, friends, etc. shunning them for their individuality as well.

I know many people tend to suggest therapy to resolve this issue, but I’ve already attempted therapy and still didn’t open up entirely. I was never able to cross over that hump to get to that point, even if I knew it might help to do so. Maybe if I had been able to I wouldn’t be so secluded now. Maybe I wouldn’t still struggle with putting my distance between me and others whenever I’m feeling bad. Maybe I wouldn’t think that nobody truly loves me, maybe I wouldn’t think that I’m not worth anyone’s time. I’m still surprised at how long my friend has stuck around. I believe I’ve mentioned it before in another story, but she’s been here through every other friendship I’ve had. It’s kind of insane to think about. I think that might be the reason I feel so guilty that I’m still somewhat trying to push her away.

It isn’t that I don’t love her. It’s that I don’t love myself enough to let her love me. In my eyes, she’s wasted so much time on me. I can’t see myself the way she sees me. I can’t bring myself to talk about anything with her recently. I’ve typed the messages out, the only time I got to the point where I asked if we could talk, I backed out because I thought my feelings were dumb and childish. I guess the positive of that is at least i got that far, but at the same time it was stupid.

I honestly hate feeling like I’m not allowed to have any feelings. I hate feeling like I shouldn’t be feeling the way I do. I wish I could open up more and speak on what’s bothering me or talk about what’s on my mind without feeling guilty for bringing others down or upsetting them. Of course the only way to ensure I won’t upset anyone is writing it in a journal or something but… I don’t know. I feel like in some cases I wouldn’t get suggestions of advice or any real reassurance of anything. Maybe one day I’ll be able to talk about things without feeling awful about doing so.

I have a lot to figure out until then.