Anony' Diary

I'm so sick of arguing with this man I don't know what to do! It seems like he just picked fights with me about anything he can think of. We argue about everything and I don't know how to change it. I love him, but clearly we're not going to work out. It's not like I'm surprised though, it was inevitable! I wonder if he remembers when we first started talking, I told him we weren't meant to be married but we were meant to learn from each other. In my sould I knew thisn, and it wasn't because he was unattractive .. or short!

See I never cared about stuff like that.. I only care how I feel around you and how you treat me.

Before we got to the point of arguing all the time, he treated me well, but he was a spoiled little momma's boy that has never had to take care of his self. Ever since we got together his mom stopped doing as much for him, but I'm not mad about that, that's what she was supposed to do! However, that caused a shift between us. Now he thinks I'm his mama!

I don't know how he thought that was going to work!!! He already knows how I am! Hell even when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I told him I was enjoying being single and having a Splenda daddy! He said "I don't care about that, as long as you bringing it back home". I think he trusts me not to have sex with anyone. I'm not like that. I think that's the only reason he's allowing it. I wouldn't, but since he was willing to accept that I feel obligated to give him a chance. He's a good guy and I'm sure he doesn't get much love from the ladies. I'd be honored!

Things had always been rocky between us because he was atheist and I'm a Christian. I don't know how we skipped that part of dateline, because I didn't realize that until we were living together! We didn't date long before moving in together, but that's usually one of the first questions I ask. How in the hell did I miss that? I don't know, but I'm in too deep now!

This is the first time I had ever been in a 50/50 relationship. I knew in my heart this wasn't what I wanted, but in my young brain I want to show him that I'm not a gold digger and Im with him because I wanted to be, not because I needed him. So this was my way of showing him that, but I had full expectancy that he will eventually step up to the plate and take care of the household. I was only 21 when I met him and he was the same age, and we met IN ATLANTA! I was really kidding myself.

We were on and off for 3 and a half years when I decided it was time to cut ties. The only problem was that we lived together, and at this point, I had just stopped working. In the last fight we had I told him he can hold the house down for a few months until I save up enough to get my own spot. He reluctantly agreed because he knew I really did hold him down in the past. Like I said, he was a good guy. I was just much more mature than him and wasn't willing to spend any more time waiting for him to grow up.

So we had this arrangement for a few months and I still hadn't moved out. I really wasn't rushing myself, hell he had it real easy for almost 4 years, he can lookout for me until I'm ready. In the meanwhile, I meet Redd. He was the death of that innocent and beautifully naive girl I once was! He has taken so much from me, justthats where he fuqed up! because he could. Just because I was young, beautiful, naive, and unprotected he decided to destroy me, rob me of my womb, and then gaslight everyone into believing I'm crazy.

I Allowed the narrative for so long because I didn't want to fight with him. I wanted to co-parent in peace! I wanted my children to have both parents. However, in my prayers I forgot to be specific. I always prayed that when I had children their father would stay in their life. Well he did, but has been and is currently trying to eradicate me from theirs.

That's where he F***ed up!