A Message to Fear

Dear Fear,

You have not been very dear to me.

You have been cruel and unrelenting.

Everything about me was governed by you.

You lingered in my mind.

You rested in my heart.

You made my hands shake.

You made me jumpy.

You kept me alert.

You made me aware.

This was good, in a way.

In other ways, it was nothing but destructive.

Your paranoia struck a chord within my soul.

Little by little, I came undone by you.

My life began to deteriorate.

I couldn’t rest.

I couldn’t smile.

I couldn’t sleep.

I couldn’t be myself in a body dictated by fear.

I couldn’t feel happiness in a mind so corrupted by you.

I couldn’t even show myself grace.

I could only worry.

I could only blame myself, a thousand times over.

The palpitations of my heart—do you remember them?

The thumping of my chest.

Like there was always someone after me.

And like it was my fault they were.

That strange, seizing sensation of terror.

I carry it with me still, even now.

Terror of my present, and of the future.

Terror towards others, and towards myself.

Terror that I will never be good, courageous, or strong.

Terror that I’ll fall.

Terror that I’ll fail.

Terror I will find myself stagnating.

Terror that when I turn to dust, I will have no one.

And nothing.

This terror you instill; it has drained me long enough.

For as long as I can remember, you have guided my hand.

You controlled my body.

You seized my wrists.

You choked me into silence.

You shoved my face underwater.

You snapped my reins.

You guided me wherever you wanted me to go.

Because of you, I have lost so much.

I have made so many mistakes.

Not even a thousand pages could fill a book of them.

Fear was a blockade unto my very soul.

I became a coward.

I became a person I did not recognize.

My heart is full of regret and shame.

I felt zombified because of you.

Like I’ve lived so much of my life within a trance.

I don’t know what exactly caused me to wake up.

But I’m awake now.

And I see you for what you are.

You, fear, are a piece of me.

A piece that will always be there.

But there are other pieces, too.

There is the piece of love.

The piece of joy.

The piece of forgiveness.

The piece of strength.

The piece of pain.

All these pieces make me who I am.

You do not make me who I am.

You never did.

One single thing never makes us who we are.

It is only our perception that allows us to think it does.

Once, your control was full over me.

Your hold was firm and strong.

Your fingernails, pressed into the swells of my brain.

Your breath against my ear.

Cold and unrelenting.

A chill, something like death.

You made me feel like a mad woman.

Like I was chasing my own shadows.

How could I be chasing shadows in the dark?

Even still, I believed I was.

So I danced in circles for you.

I smiled for you.

I lied for you.

I humiliated myself for you.

All to appease that feeling in my gut.

All to make it go away.

I would have done anything.

Now, I am different.

I am stronger.

I won’t go where you guide me any longer.

I have built a new self out of old ingredients.

Ingredients that were essential to build this version of me.

I have taken my kindness with me.

I have taken my timidness, too.

I have taken my joy and my laughter and my sorrow.

I have taken my mistakes and my talents.

I have taken both my callousness and my heart.

I have taken all these pieces with me.

I have melded them together.

And I have told them this:

When fear comes, as we all know it will—

Let it in.

It is a part of us.

It is an essential piece that makes us who we are.

We need fear, that sharp spark.

There is room for everything about us here.

But do not simply let fear have its way.

Do not let it take hold completely.

Do not allow it to overcome the very soul.

Keep it in check.

Keep it close, at a comfortable distance.

Allow it to come when it must.

And when it starts to fall by the wayside, you will know

how far you’ve made it.

Fear, I resign from your total control of me.

I dictate what is best for me from here on out.

Me and all my other pieces deserve a say.

I forgive you for your nature.

I embrace you with open arms.

I succumb to you no longer.