A letter to the girl I used to be

This is a letter to the girl I used to be. I don't know what I am trying to achieve by writing this, but sometimes you just have to put metaphorical pen to paper and begin.

I think about you a lot. I think about the seven year old who walked herself home from school and made her own dinner (if you can call terribly mashed potatoes, salami and cheese, dinner). I think about how strong your spirit was, when no-one was ever present.

I think about how embarrassingly positive you were, that every Saturday, when you made your way down the list of home phone numbers of the girls' in your class, hoping someone would want a playdate, when no-one ever did. You did it again the next Saturday. Unbridled by rejection.

I think about how no-one told you t0 do your homework, yet you did it anyway because you thought being smart was cool, even though no-one else did. In your coming years that will unfortunately change and for 10 years, you will keep trying to be who everyone else wants you to be, because you will feel you have never been good enough being who you actually are. Hell, you wont event know who you are.

Well little trooper, let me tell you who you eventually become. You're still kind, enthusiastic and full of energy. Your hyper independence and feelings of never been 'good enough', enabled you work in a top 4 tech company (you won't know what that is just yet, but trust me, it's pretty good). You still feel inadequate, yet you earn more money than the British Prime Minister.

You fell in love three times. One boy, with sandy blonde hair, you had absolutely zero in common with. He truly loved you, so you clung on to him for dear life. Soon, you realised you wasted 3 years because what you thought you loved, was actually for the first time, experiencing being loved.

Next, you fall in love with a girl with oceanic eyes . Don't worry - it's cool to love whoever you damn want these days. She taught you how to really feel your emotions and from her you gained emotional intelligence. She really changed your life, you owe her a lot.

Finally... him. He's perfect for every imperfection and crooked smile. When you both see a trolley on the side of the road, all you have to do is look at him to know that he wants you to jump in so that he can push you. He also pushes you to do better, but to also be content with who you are and what you've achieved. He helps to sew up the gaping hole that right now you don't even realise right now is tearing in your life and causing almost irreparable damage for your future.

Oh and your parents and friends who desserted you when you needed them most. Who's superficial and absent natures forced you to feel constantly lonely and question what was wrong with you? They've grown into better people too. They've apologised. You work things out.

Little one, your life works out, but it takes 27 years where you are truly at a constant battle with yourself and who you are. Along the journey you don't have anyone to really empathise with you or to tell you that your childhood was actually quite messed up. That's why I write this letter to you, because I know noone else will. You achieved everything you wanted to but it came at a huge cost.

If I could help you skip the heartache and write every lesson that you learn over the next 27 years here now, I would. But right now you think you're the cleverest in the room at 7 years old, so you wouldn't even listen. That's irony I guess.