Aliens Rejected My Resume: And Other Signs I'm Not Ready for Intergalactic Work Life

Ever wondered what it’s like to get rejected by aliens? I don’t have to imagine anymore. I got the email last Tuesday. It read:

“Thank you for your interest in the Galactic Federation. Unfortunately, we have decided to move forward with another candidate… preferably one with a third eye.”

Yes, you heard that right. I applied for a job in space. And they ghosted me—literally.

It all began when I stumbled upon a mysterious job post in a dark corner of the cosmic internet (don’t ask how I got there). It read:

“Looking for an interspecies communicator. Must be fluent in sarcasm, tolerate time loops, and have no history of exploding under pressure.”

Well, I’ve worked retail on Black Friday, I’ve had roommates who microwaved fish, and I survived three seasons of reality dating shows. I was more than qualified.

🚀 The Resume That Crossed Dimensions

I decided to give my resume a galactic glow-up.

“Customer Service” became “Human Interaction Specialist”

“Team player” became “Cooperative organism with minimal aggression response”

And I proudly listed “fluent in cat memes and passive-aggressive emails.”

I even wrote a cover letter that began:

“Dear Intergalactic Talent Acquisition Team, I come in peace—and I bring snacks.”

Surely they'd appreciate snacks. Everybody likes snacks.

📡 The Skills Test (aka My Personal Black Hole)

A few days later, I received an email titled: “You’ve been shortlisted! Please complete the test within 4 space-hours.”

The test was a file called “4D Puzzle Grid.” I opened it—and reality wobbled.

Suddenly my microwave was humming Beethoven and my houseplants started whispering cosmic truths.

The instructions said: “Time is an illusion. So is gravity. Good luck.”

I failed. Obviously.

🧬 The Interview That Broke My Brain

Against all odds, they still invited me for a virtual interview. But instead of Zoom, I had to use something called QuantCom, a system that uses quantum entanglement to remove all lag.

I joined the call and met my interviewers:

Brxl, a glowing jellyfish with seven monocles

A sarcastic floating triangle named “Karnox, VP of Vibes”

And a sentient toaster who mostly just glared at me

They asked the usual questions:

“How do you handle stress during asteroid showers?”

“Would you be willing to relocate to a neutron star?”

“What’s your biggest weakness?”

I said: “Cookies.” Brxl nodded solemnly.

They smiled (I think?) and said I’d hear back soon.

❌ The Rejection Letter

I checked my inbox the next day. There it was.

Subject line: “Regarding Your Application…”

Message body:

“Thank you for your time, Earthling. After careful consideration, we’ve decided you’re not the right fit for the Galactic Federation at this time. You displayed excessive empathy, spontaneous daydreaming, and an emotional response to Pluto’s demotion. We wish you luck… elsewhere.”

I cried into my cereal. The cereal was also crying. It was that kind of morning.

🧠 Lessons From Being Rejected by Space Employers

Here’s what I learned:

Apparently, aliens don’t accept Canva resumes

My obsession with cat videos is not “cosmically relevant”

And the toaster was, in fact, the CEO

More importantly, I realized Earth may be chaotic, but at least here we don’t have to juggle neutron stars or survive zero-gravity PowerPoint presentations.

🌌 So What’s Next?

I’m currently applying for a position as Assistant Timekeeper on Neptune’s 14th moon.

Job description:

“Must be okay with existing in reverse time flow”

“Bring your own oxygen”

Perks? Unlimited stardust coffee and a pet asteroid.

🌍 Final Thoughts: Maybe Earth Isn’t So Bad

Sure, we have slow Wi-Fi, inflation, and people who clap when planes land. But we also have pizza, sunsets, and the occasional dog in a Halloween costume.

And honestly, no alien job can compete with that.

If you liked this story, subscribe for more Earthling misadventures. Next time, I might try speed dating on Mars. 🚀💔