What Was It This Time?

I was watching an old episode of Gilligan's Island. Ok, I know, they're all old now. Anyway, it's the one where they all get superhuman powers. Because of the radioactive vegetables. You know, just regular Gilligan's Island stuff. When suddenly! (of course 'when suddenly', that's just how these things work). When suddenly Gilligan turns and looks right at me through the screen and says, "Scotty, come here we need your help," all urgent like. And then I'm just there. On the island, standing next to Gilligan. And all the other characters are there too. But they're not in the radioactive vegetables episode anymore. Instead, some weird talking seaweed has been washing up on shore, and the professor has called a meeting to figure out what to do about it. He introduces me as Han Zon, well known marine biologist and expert in talking seaweed. Apparently I have just swum to the island from a shipwreck. I have been guided by dolphins because, as luck would have it, I have studied their language and we get along swimmingly, so to speak. As the professor blahs on about my marvelous qualifications to help deal with the talking seaweed, I stare nervously at Ginger. I've undressed her in my mind many times as a thirteen year old pervert, but now in the presence of the real Ginger I feel like an awkward fool, in other words just my normal self. The Professor finishes up and turns to me. "So Mr. Zon what can you tell us?" I realize I'll just have to make it up as I go. "Well," I start, "Talking Seaweed, scientifically known as Seaweedicus Hablababla, speaks only in code. Unfortunately, nobody has ever been able to crack their code."

Gilligan interrupts, suggests that if we crack the code maybe the talking seaweed could help us escape from the island. Even though it sounds exactly like the harebrained idea Gilligan would come up with the Professor thinks that maybe it just might work. The Skipper is pleased that his little buddy has finally come up with a plausible solution to a problem. Thurston Howell III and Lovey look at me anxiously. I don't know what to do so I say, "Let's all go to our hammocks for thirty minutes and see if we can come up with any ideas. "Surprisingly, this works, and they all wander off deep in thought. I stumble around trying to think of what to do. The mosquitos are starting to drive me crazy. I'm constantly slapping myself to kill them. Could I be dreaming? It feels too real, the kind of real where you know you're not dreaming. I'm walking between two trees when I bump into a painted curtain which parts and I walk onto a soundstage. It's the Gilligan's Island soundstage. I look back through the curtain but there's just a brick wall there. I don't know how this could get more weird but as far as I'm concerned it just got more weird. In front of me are the cast of the show, just being their real selves. It looks like they are on a break from rehearsing or filming. They are standing in front of a fake Gilligan's Island, which looks nicer than the real Gilligan's Island I was just on. No mosquitos for one thing.

Jim Backus, who is smoking a pipe notices me and waves me over. I head that way and as I reach him a ruckus breaks out. I turn and see Bob Denver and Dawn Wells standing face to face, inches apart. Dawn shouts, "Shut the fuck up or I'm going to slap you into next Tuesday." She turns her back and storms off. Jim Backus smiles. Seems like an odd reaction to me. I've got that feeling you get when watching two people have a violent verbal altercation. He says, "She's not really mad."

"She looked mad to me I say." He chuckles. "They like to pretend they're in a play. They just break into a scene when nobody expects it. Just to entertain us I guess. They're very good, don't you think?" My heartbeat starts to calm down. "Too good if you ask me." Natalie Schafer (Lovey) says, "I know what you mean." She pats her heart. "That one really startled me." I look around and see Bob Denver and Alan Hale Jr. chatting amicably.

I see Tina Louise sitting quietly a little ways away, on a stump near a camera trained on the lagoon. I'm embarrassed but feel like I might as well take the opportunity to introduce myself. I walk in her direction but she gradually fades into a mirage and I find myself standing in the hot sun in a parking lot. So hot.

So hot that I fall to my knees and find myself vomiting into the toilet in my bathroom. I pull my head out of the toilet, compose myself, look into the mirror, bend over the sink, gargle, wash off my face. As I stand back up I see my wife in the doorway, a concerned look on her face. "Did it happen again?"

"Yeah."

"What was it this time?"

I shake my head. "You're not going to believe this."