Welcome to Sillyville

About ten years ago I was passing a truly wonderful summer with my youngest daughter in the hot and sunny south of Spain. We used to get up to all sorts of hi-jinks to pass the time as we drove along, especially on long trips.

One day, en route to the coast for the day, we were in my car entertaining ourselves, mocking and parodying the pop songs coming over the airwaves on the car radio.

Suddenly we saw a massive poster, about the size of the side of a house, advertising a new menu item from McDonald’s. You have to say the headline out loud to get the full effect.

“Welcome to new all-new McDonalds McWrap!” (Or McCrap)

And this prompted a memory of another piece of advertising from the eighties. Reading a full-colour Sunday Times supplement, I came across a double-page spread advertisement promoting Russia as a holiday destination.

"This is Russia, and you’re welcome to it." Clearly, somebody did not realise that the phrase actually means "This is Russia and it is shit, you can have it."

Then we moved on to tell each other funny stories and I suddenly, for some spurious reason, remembered seeing a sign in a town called Oldham, not too far from Manchester, in the UK.

Strung out across the bypass was a huge banner proudly proclaiming...

“Oldham, home of the Tubi-grip Bandage.”

And I thought how awesome that was, to be able to claim fame for inventing such a useful everyday object as an elasticated bandage no less. Oldham, the world of ‘tennis elbow’ and ‘housemaids knee’ salutes you.

And from there we started to wonder what other dubious claims to fame we could come up with.

“Welcome to Sillyville, home of the longer-lasting, battery-powered, fruit-flavoured, coffee-making, toast-making, dildo.”

Suddenly a 4X4 Mitsubishi passed us and right there, fixed to the back of the vehicle in question was the manufacturer’s name for that particular model, the Pajero.

Clearly, nobody had taken the trouble to point out to Mitsubishi that in Spanish that word has only one meaning, 'Wanker'. Who would want that word emblazoned across the tailgate in bright, high-visibility chrome?

And on the subject of car names, somebody needs to speak to Opel about the Nova, which in Spanish means "Doesn't go" (No va). Some of these marketing guys really do need to get a grip of a multi-lingual dictionary.

The Chinese can claim fame to inventing the condom, using, of all things, lamb intestines. Given the size of the Chinese population, it seems it wasn’t that effective huh? And it brings a whole new meaning to the phrase...

“Darling, do you fancy some Chinese lambs tripe tonight?” How enticing does that sound? Not!

At one time it was claimed that Adolph Hitler invented the inflatable sex doll! Can you imagine an Eva Braun look-alike, air-filled, plastic and latex sex doll? Apparently, it’s an unproven story, but hey, dippity doo daaaa, never let the truth get in the way of a great story.

Moving away from sleaze I will leave you, dear reader, with this one. I once saw a battered, dirty old, three-wheeler, Reliant Robin which had a sign beautifully handwritten along both sides….

“Joe Bloggs Plumbing Services. New York, London, Zurich, Paris, Rome and Broadbottom. But mostly Broadbottom.”

I like that idea. Maybe I could use it.

Ralph Emerson, New York Times, Washington Post and Broadbottom Chronicle, but mostly the Broadbottom Chronicle.

If you would like to read more funny articles like this please leave a comment and let me know.