US Air Force General Explains Why America's Bombers are Perfectly Safe

US Air Force General Buck Johnson held a press conference to reaffirm the USAF's unwavering faith in its decades old warplanes - days after cheap Ukraine drones decimated Russia's strategic bomber fleet.

Standing before a billion dollar row of B-52s, Johnson dismissed Ukraine's success as “a cute little stunt that wouldn't happen in America”.

“Listen, we have the most sophisticated air force in the world - big planes, big bombs, big bases. We park our B-52s right out in the open because it sends a message: 'Don't mess with America!'

“Real warfare is about stealth bombers and well-trained pilots, not nerds in the basement playing Call of Duty with drones.”

His comments come as Ukraine's operation send shockwaves through global military circles. The Operation Spider attack by 117 cheap drones smuggled into Russia, destroyed at least 13 Russian aircraft - including Tu-95 and Tu-22M bombers - dealing a blow to Moscow's nuclear triad. 

The US's own airbases are now sitting ducks for asymmetric attacks.

Johnson wasn't fazed. “We shouldn't overthink things,” he said, adjusting his medal-laden chest like a Russian apparatchik. “Our B-52s have been around since the '50s, and they'll be around for another 50 years.” 

One Pentagon security official, speaking anonymously, said, “I asked the air force to cover our planes with old tires and chicken wire, like the Russians do. The Air Force rejected the proposal to cover planes with chicken wire because 'It'd ruin the paint.'”

As Johnson reminisced about his days in Operation Desert Storm, an ominous buzz sounded overhead. The crowd gasped as they looked up. A $600 DJI drone soared, trailing a rainbow flag and a banner that read “DEFUND THE (MILITARY) POLICE.”

An Air Force mom sighed, “Ethan, I swear to God - "

General Johnson muttered, “Kids these days” and waited patiently for the drone's battery to run out before he announced the Pentagon's planned $378 billion dollar refit for the B52.

Nearby, at the commissioning of the USS Joseph Biden, built at a cost of $127 billion, Admiral Greg Francis assured reporters that aircraft carriers remain “the ultimate weapon of war”. 

As he waxed poetically about the vessel's ability to hide in the mists of the Pacific Ocean, launching surprise attacks on distant targets, an older woman in the audience whispered to our journalist that she keeps track of her grandson's real-time location using Elon Musk's SatNav App.

Admiral Francis added “drones don't go underwater.”

A 12-year-old in the audience yelled, “Sir, that's literally called a torpedo.”

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Background Info:

As of June 5, 2025, the U.S. Air Force boasts a robust fleet, with estimates suggesting around 5,004 active aircraft, according to the World Directory of Modern Military Aircraft (WDMMA). This inventory spans fighters (1,610), bombers (140), tankers (471), transports (982), trainers (2,660), and special-mission aircraft (744), reflecting a diverse capability for global operations. The fleet, the world’s largest, supports air supremacy, rapid mobility, and nuclear deterrence, though its size has shrunk from a Cold War peak of over 26,000 due to modernization efforts and budget constraints.

Costs are staggering, with maintenance and procurement driving significant expenditure. Each B-52H Stratofortress, a key bomber with 76 units, costs approximately $84 million annually to maintain, while the F-35A Lightning II (302 units) carries a unit cost of around $78 million. The Air Force’s 2025 budget request of $188.1 billion includes $18.8 billion for weapon system sustainment and funds for new acquisitions like the B-21 Raider and F-15EX. Retiring 250 older aircraft aims to save $2 billion, redirecting funds to advanced technology. However, critics question whether this balance sacrifices readiness, especially as readiness rates hover around 80% for some types, exposing vulnerabilities in an era of evolving threats.