The Unofficial Survival Guide to Adulthood

I kept waiting for adulthood to feel official—like one day, I’d wake up and just know things.

Like how deductibles work. Or what my mail wants from me. Or why grocery store receipts are five feet long.

But instead of some grand enlightenment, I got thrown into the deep end, expected to navigate taxes, insurance policies, and cryptic utility bills using nothing but Google and blind panic.

And if you, too, feel like you somehow missed the Adulthood Orientation Meeting, don’t worry—I’ve been assembling a survival guide as I go.

🚨 Welcome to The Unofficial Rules of Adulthood 🚨

1. You Will Pretend to Understand Things That You Absolutely Do Not Understand

It starts small.

Someone casually brings up a show you’ve never seen, and rather than admit it, you throw in a vague “Oh yeah, such a classic,” and pray no one asks a follow-up question.

But then, it escalates.

At some point, you will find yourself trapped in a conversation where someone confidently says:

💬 “Oh, I just moved some funds into my Roth IRA—super simple.”

💬 “You know how APR works, right?”

💬 “You just deduct that on your taxes. Easy.”

And instead of screaming the truth (NO, I DO NOT. PLEASE EXPLAIN IT TO ME LIKE I’M FIVE.), you will nod enthusiastically and hope for a distraction.

Because the second you admit you have no idea what’s going on, someone will say:

"Wait… you don’t know this?"

And that? That is a fate worse than financial ruin.

So you fake it. Because if we all admitted how little we actually understand, the entire economy might collapse.

2. You Must Ignore the First Available Parking Spot—There Is Always a Better One

I can’t pinpoint when we all unconsciously agreed to this, but we did.

No matter how decent the first parking spot looks, you must keep going. Because what if a perfect one is just around the corner?

It’s a test of faith.

🚗 Will you find the superior spot?

🚗 Or will you end up circling back, humiliated, as someone else takes the one you rejected?

The only exception: If someone is in the car with you, at which point you must audibly regret your choices.

❌ “Ugh, I should’ve just taken that first spot.”

This is the law.

3. “Let’s Hang Out Soon” Is the Adult Equivalent of “Goodbye Forever”

This phrase is not a plan.

It is a social closing statement, like “take care” or “drive safe.”

If someone says, “We should totally grab coffee sometime!” they might as well be saying:

"Farewell, traveler. May our paths cross again in another lifetime."

Because unless an actual time, date, and location are set right then and there, that meetup is never happening.

This is why adult friendships work like this:

1️⃣ Run into each other unexpectedly.

2️⃣ Say, “We should totally hang out!”

3️⃣ Never speak again until the next unexpected run-in.

And somehow, this is completely normal.

4. If You Say Hello to Someone in Public, You Must Pretend You Didn’t See Them Again

There is no protocol for what happens after you’ve already greeted someone—only to realize you’re walking in the same direction.

❓ Do you keep talking?

❓ Do you power-walk away?

❓ Do you fake a phone call and pretend to lag behind?

No one knows.

But we all instinctively understand that the only correct course of action is to stare at your phone like it contains the lost secrets of the universe and pretend the first hello never happened.

5. Every Adult Has a Junk Drawer That Defies All Logic

It does not matter how organized you are—you have a junk drawer.

Inside, you will find:

🌀 A tangle of mystery charging cables (but not the one you actually need).

🌀 At least three dead batteries you refuse to throw away.

🌀 A single Allen wrench (from IKEA, purpose unknown).

🌀 A key to something. You have no idea what.

This drawer is never cleaned out.

It is a time capsule of past bad decisions and a safety net for future ones.

6. The Grocery Store Checkout Line Is a Psychological Experiment

Every single trip to the grocery store plays out exactly the same way:

🔹 Step 1: The cashier is scanning way too fast.

🔹 Step 2: You panic-bag your items in the worst possible order.

🔹 Step 3: You swipe your card too early, making the screen beep in judgment.

🔹 Step 4: You forget how to take the receipt.

Do you crumple it? Fold it? Flee the scene entirely?

No one has ever mastered this process.

Even at 90 years old, I will be standing in checkout lines, making bad decisions under pressure.

7. You Will Never Fully Understand How to Mail a Package

Mailing things should be easy. It is not.

At some point, every adult has:

📦 Stared at 10 different mailing options before choosing the wrong one.

📦 Googled “How much does a stamp cost?” more than once.

📦 Guessed a shipping price like a medieval fortune teller.

The post office expects you to just know things.

They hand you forms like, “You know what to do.”

I do not.

And somehow, even when I follow all the steps correctly, I still leave feeling like I committed a crime.

Final Thoughts: The Biggest Secret of Adulthood? We’re All Just Guessing

The biggest lie of childhood?

🚨 That adults know what they’re doing. 🚨

I spent years assuming there was some invisible moment where you just figure everything out—where you suddenly grasp taxes, home repairs, and the correct way to buy a mattress.

That moment never came.

Now I realize:

✔ Most people are just guessing.

✔ Every adult has Googled something they should already know.

✔ Faking confidence is 90% of adulthood.

So if you ever feel like everyone else has it figured out except you, I promise—they don’t. We are all just hoping no one notices.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go pretend I understand my health insurance.

If You Feel Like You’re Faking Adulthood, You’re Doing It Right

If you have ever:

✔ Faked understanding a conversation.

✔ Had a junk drawer full of absolute nonsense.

✔ Panicked at the grocery checkout.

✔ Walked the same way as someone but pretended not to.

🎉 Congratulations! You are officially an adult. 🎉

Now tell me: What’s an unspoken adult rule you’ve learned the hard way? Let’s build this survival guide together. 😆

Like this? I send my best stories first to my Substack.

Join me and my tiny, furry overlords (Petey and Nelly) over at Substack for exclusive stories, cozy reflections, and plenty of laughter.

👉 Subscribe here: tesie.substack.com