The Pompous Post™: Established in 1799 (Over Soup)

It is with great pride, zero citation, and a healthy disregard for factual accuracy that we unveil the true origin story of The Pompous Post™. Long before algorithms and influencers sullied the written word, before social media turned public discourse into an Olympic-level mudslinging contest, and yes, even before someone thought it wise to refrigerate kale, there was a spark — a duel — and a bowl of soup.

The year was 1799. The place: a dimly lit tavern in Upper Bumblescratch, England (which has never officially existed on any map, but don’t let that ruin the story). It was here that two verbose gentlemen of questionable pedigree, Archibald Thistlethwack IV and Horace P. Latherby, found themselves embroiled in a heated philosophical debate over the proper garnishing of bisque.

“A bisque demands a whisper of chive, not the cruel fist of parsley!” roared Thistlethwack, slamming his porcelain soup bowl with such authority that the tavern cat leapt into the fireplace.

“You elitist spoon-wielder!” countered Latherby, dramatically flinging a bread roll like it was the gauntlet of rhetorical war. “Parsley is the herb of the people!”

The argument escalated quickly, as was the custom in 19th-century England where fencing was considered both a sport and a conflict resolution method. Within moments, a duel had been scheduled for precisely 3:42 p.m. the next day, following tea but prior to existential dread.

The town blacksmith was appointed as referee (as was tradition), and spectators gathered from neighboring non-existent villages to witness what would become the most over-hyped confrontation since Napoleon tried to invade Russia wearing summer linens.

But fate, dear reader, had a different plan.

Moments before the first parry, a pigeon carrying a scroll crash-landed onto Horace P. Latherby’s head. The scroll, sealed with crimson wax and the unmistakable insignia of the Bureau of Excessive Prose, read:

“Cease this tomfoolery at once. Your talents are better spent ridiculing society in written form. Start a paper. Or else.”

This divine intervention — possibly sent by an overly dramatic librarian — was heeded. The duel was postponed indefinitely (still technically scheduled), and the two men instead joined forces. What emerged was The Pompous Post™, a weekly publication featuring scathing social commentary, unsolicited critiques of fashion trends, and dramatic reimaginings of pigeon behavior.

Early Editions & Dubious Achievements The first issue, printed using borrowed church hymn presses, featured such hard-hitting stories as:

“Queen Victoria Suspected of Smiling Once”

“The Shocking Rise of Left-Handed Tea Drinkers”

“Trousers: Are We Being Controlled by Leg Fabric?”

Naturally, it was an overnight sensation among four people, all of whom had poor eyesight and a high tolerance for hyphen abuse. The paper gained momentum through guerrilla distribution methods, such as stuffing it inside loaves of bread and smuggling copies into carriage glove compartments.

By 1845, The Pompous Post™ had reached dozens of readers and at least one goat who, upon devouring an issue, was said to have become “profoundly aware of social hypocrisy.”

The Tragic Fire of 1851; Disaster struck when the publication’s office — a converted wheelbarrow beside the tavern — caught fire due to a careless cigar and a stack of flammable metaphors. The archives were lost, though one singed copy was later found being used as insulation in a disgraced baron’s summer home.

The fire only increased the legend. Conspiracy theories emerged. Was it arson? Sabotage by rival satirists? Or perhaps the metaphor stack had simply become sentient and self-immolated in protest?

Legacy and Resurrection Though publication waned by the late 19th century (after Latherby joined a traveling mime cult and Thistlethwack fell in love with a marble bust), the legacy endured. Rumors swirled through the decades — cryptic crossword clues, hidden messages in soup can labels, and one mysterious telegram that read only:

“The chive was right.”

Then, in the early 21st century, an unremarkable human (spoiler: it was us) stumbled upon the legend and did what any sane person would do: revived The Pompous Post™ using the internet, stock images, and an unjustified level of confidence.

Today, the torch is carried forth by a new generation of satirical scribes. We continue the sacred duty of calling out absurdity, poking societal pressure points, and asking the questions no one else dares to, like:

Why do billionaires want to go to space?

Who gave raccoons the confidence?

And most importantly, how do you garnish a bisque?

In Conclusion… We honor our forebears, fictional though they may be, by holding the line between reason and ridiculousness. We do not seek truth. We seek satire so sharp, it could slice a hard-boiled lie into perfect, tweetable pieces.

And so, with tongue firmly in cheek, ladle proudly in hand, and partying like it's 1799, we welcome you to The Pompous Post™.

Soup, after all, is serious business.