The lengths we go to in order to keep our kids happy…

Today, I am running a tedious and insane errand. I’m buying candy. But not any normal candy, and I’m not going to a regular store.

You see, due to some stupid new law, my son’s favorite candy is now illegal. The reason why is just ridiculous. I mean, just because the process to make it is extremely dangerous and kills an average of 37 people a week doesn’t mean it should be banned. Crazy government overreach. I mean seriously, what’s next? Banning my favorite energy drink just because it contains five times the lethal dose of caffeine?

But anyway, my son loves that candy. He’s absolutely addicted to it. (It does contain nicotine but I’m sure that’s just a coincidence). He was really bummed when it was banned. His withdrawals were hard on him, and his parents. And the TV he smashed.

However, like many things in life, just because the candy isn’t legal doesn’t mean it isn’t available! And with his birthday next week, I’m going to procure him a crate! That should last him at least a week. Hopefully.

As I pull up to the abandoned warehouse in the sketchiest part of town, I hear multiple sets of gunfire. I am unphased as I walk into the building ran by a violent gang. They used to peddle drugs, but they’ve recently transitioned to the more lucrative, and much more dangerous, candy business.

“Hey,” yells a shirtless, tattoo covered man holding an AK-47, “whatchu want?”

“I need a crate of the good stuff,” I respond, “and make it snappy.”

He grins and says, “Sure thing.”

Him and I then begin to discuss payment terms. In the middle of our conversation, out of the corner of my eye I notice a sketchy looking janitor wheeling a mop bucket out of a restroom. He whistled as he wheels it past me. My spidey senses begin tinkling. My suspicions are soon confirmed as he quickly grabs the mop swings it at my back head.

I quickly and expertly dodge. Forget about the pain of getting hit, there is no way I want that nasty mop head touching me! I’m sure the bathrooms here are crimes against nature.

Somehow, I manage to dodge not only the mop, but also the water that splashed from the bucket as he swung. Before he could swing again, I quickly kick him in the stomach. He went flying backwards and landed on the ground, dazed and confused.

“Nicely done,” the crime boss menacingly praised, “but can you do that again?”

I grinned slightly as I answered, “If that’s what it takes to leave here with the candy, then I can defeat all of you.”

“That won’t be necessary,” he answered. I was relieved. Sure, I could possibly take them, but I didn’t want to test that theory. “No,” he continued with a devilish grin, “beating us all isn’t necessary, but you will need to beat these six.” He gestured to six rough looking criminals who looked ready to fight.

I sighed. “Ok, if I must.” I got in a fighting stance as my six opponents charged at me.

Five minutes later, I had a few scrapes and bruises. But the six criminals were much worse off. Only four of them could still walk.

“Pleasure doing business with you,” I told the crime boss as his henchmen carried my newly acquired candy to my car.

“Ya anytime,” he sheepishly replied.

As I got in my car and drove off, my thoughts turned to how happy my son would be when he opened his birthday gift. I just hope he doesn’t try to eat through the crate again!