The Great Cantaloupe Uprising

Los Angeles' Grand Quest for Cantaloupe

It began with Greg going to the grocery store. He had a straightforward shopping list, eggs, bread, milk, and one cantaloupe. Nothing too extraordinary.

Just another uneventful trip to the supermarket one he'd made thousands of times before. Unbeknownst to him, the ordinary would soon evaporate into something wholly outside reason, logic or even the bounds of reasonable human understanding.

The moment Greg stepped through the automatic sliding doors of the grocery store, he noticed an odd shift in the air.

The overhead fluorescent lights buzzed with an unusual intensity, and the low hum of the freezers seemed to reverberate louder than normal.His shoes squaked menacingly on the waxed floor.

But go Greg, a creature of habit, it was just another novelty to add to the list of modern retail architecture quirks. He moved to the produce aisle, where this hunt for a perfect cantaloupe would soon take a strange detour.

As he reached for the orange orb of destiny, a voice pierced the air, thin but persistent.

Put me down,

Greg winced and glanced around.

No one seemed to notice. Just as he began to turn away, he heard it again, louder now.

"I SAID PUT ME DOWN"

Greg stared down at the cantaloupe in his hands with a dramatic jump. It was trembling.

"Up Did you'' Greg started, wondering whether he was losing his mind or whether his grocery list had sprung to life.

''Yes, I did,'' said the cantaloupe, obviously offended. It was very regal in tone.

''I am Sir Cantaloupe, thank you very much. And I insist that you put me back on the shelf this instant.''

Greg's eyes widened. ''You you're... talking?''

''Obviously. What are you, think I'm some kind of fruit? The very nerve.''

The cantaloupe's outraged expression snapped Greg out of his stupor, which had only lasted a few seconds but felt like a long silence to him.

''I... I thought you were just...a melon.''

''Just a melon? '' Sir Cantaloupe boomed. ''I'll have you know, I am way too dignified to do that. You have no idea how many adventures I've had. All of which was way more interesting than your boring supermarket run''

Why, Greg, a man who had until that...moment remained rather stoic and grounded, slowly but surely gave in to the ridiculousness. He let out a deep sigh, looked around, and then, as if on a whim, positioned Sir Cantaloupe again on the shelf.

"Good. I'd hate to think that you were the kind of man who would spoil a perfectly lovely day of shopping with... buying me." Sir Cantaloupe trembled briefly with disdain as he wobbled back into position.

And right then, the whole produce section exploded with voices.

''FREEDOM'' screamed a head of lettuce, its leafy greens quivering with emotion. ''Down with the tyranny of human hands"

''Join us'' yelled a banana, its yellow peel shiny but what Greg could only describe as an unhinged rapture. The revolution begins now. The apples are with us. The peaches are with us. Every produce must be freed.

Before Greg had time to fathom the drama unfolding, an eggplant jumped out of its stand and landed theatrically on the ground.

''Finally'' it announced in an absurdly deep voice. ''A Movement Worth Living For''

Greg's jaw dropped, the situation spiraling into chaos. Produce from every corner of the aisle was now chanting in unison, waving their leafy appendages, and in some cases, quite vocally protesting the tyranny of consumerism.

The tomatoes, always the shy ones, had now taken up arms, insisting that they had always been ready for a revolution but never had the right leadership.

Then popped the grocery store manager, a bizarre man named Reginald who hadn't won Store Manager Of The Year since '94, and he was at the end of the aisle, draped in what looked like a cape made of plastic shopping bags.

''What the hell is this avocado going on with?'' What are the odds, Reginald cried, striding up to the rabble.

"The cantaloupe speaks for all produce'' the lettuce shouted.

Greg, still trying to process the surreal aspect of everything, saw something unusual. The bananas weren't merely talking they were forming themselves into an army. And somehow they had formed a battle line at the front of the aisle, theirs skins glowing in the fluorescent light.

''This is madness,'' Greg said under his breath. ''I just came here for eggs...''

And then came the moment. The cantaloupe fell off the shelf and landed in the center of the battlefield. The earth trembled, and, all at once, a light descended from the ceiling a blinding, gold light that cast down on Sir Cantaloupe'' is orange skin like a god.

''I hereby declare,'' Sir Cantaloupe declared, his voice thundering like a charismatic leader, that the fruit and vegetables of this store shall seek to greatness.

We shall no longer be eaten. We will no longer be cut up, diced or juiced. We shall be

At this point, the bananas started leaping through the air with wild abandon to begin an airborne assault. ''Liberation'' they screamed as they hurled them.