The Dangerous Myth of The Morning Person

I’m up before dawn most days. I don’t know if it’s because of the job - rural mail carrier - or the autism, the ADHD, or some rogue hormonal imbalance acting like a busted rooster. I don't even need my alarm anymore really.

Whatever it is, I hate it.

I used to wake up furious. Not groggy. Not grumpy. Absolutely seething. Chest tight, fists clenched, ready to fight a god I don’t even believe in or any unfortunate soul stupid enough to speak to me.

Now I’m medicated, supplemented, hydrated, and I sleep in a hoodie. I stopped waking up cold. Apparently, my body has a thing about waking up shivering. Go figure. We've also decided it's safest if there's silence for the first ten minutes of the day.

But don’t mistake adaptation for enthusiasm. I still loathe the early hours with every fiber of my soul. Simply the interruption of my sleep is enough to be a slight against my very being. I have to be at work by seven am and I'm usually early.

And don’t get me started on the early morning gym crowd. You did how many reps before sunrise? That’s great, Trevor. I’m prepping to deliver packages and mail to over 750 addresses. The only way I’m running at 6 a.m. is if there’s a pack of wolves behind me. Even then, I might throw dog treats and take my chances.

Parents with kids in school? Sorry your life sucks right now. I remember those days- with a bad taste in my mouth. Having to find the assignments, the bags, the shoes- and if they missed the bus, congrats, now an hour of your day has vanished before your very eyes.

How about some caffeine?

That’s cute. Your strong cup of joe is like a polite suggestion in my world. I need something closer to rocket fuel just to maintain eye contact and not forget my keys. It’s not about alertness. It’s about survival.

Yoga and meditation, you say? If I close my eyes to meditate, I will absolutely fall back asleep. And no one needs to witness my downward dog at that hour. Especially not me.

Oh, and shoutout to the women who show up full glam at 7 a.m. Hair curled. Lashes on. Foundation perfectly blended. Sorry, what dimension are you from? I’m over here spritzing and scrunching my curls and praying they don’t betray me by noon. If I remembered to brush my teeth and find socks that match, I’m winning.

I literally do not understand “morning people.” How on earth are you so chipper? What kind of cult are you in? How much speed are you taking before you leave your house?

And this idea that success is a product of being awake before 5 a.m.? No. Success is a product of systems, luck, access, and a lot of caffeine. Waking up early just makes you tired earlier. It doesn’t make you better. It just makes your misery start sooner.

Don’t tell me you’re better or more successful because you got up early. I’ve outworked plenty of sunrise evangelists. Just because you were up first doesn’t mean you did more. I’m a woman, I’ve been proving my worth against moving goalposts since kindergarten.

Let me guess. You think the early bird gets the worm.

I’m the second mouse.

I get the cheese.

And cheese is way better.

I'm writing and building my way out of a life that never quite fit right. If you want to help, drop some change in the bucket here.