Terms and Conditions of Being Human

Effective Date: Your first breath

Termination Date: Classified

Governing Jurisdiction: Reality, in all its inconvenient, contradictory forms

1. Acceptance of Terms

By existing, you automatically agree to the following non-negotiable clauses. This agreement is binding across all physical, emotional, and metaphysical territories. You may not opt out, unsubscribe, or request a trial extension.

Previous attempts to escape the contract through sleep, relocation, cult membership, or “reinventing yourself” have been reviewed and denied.

2. Service Description

Being human includes, but is not limited to:

- Limited biological hardware prone to decay, overheating, and cosmetic complaints.

- Emotional software vulnerable to viruses such as nostalgia, regret, and yearning.

- Recurring existential pop-ups, often at 3 a.m., but also during weddings, funerals, and while buying bread.

- Random bursts of joy so acute you will suspect a glitch in the system.

- Moments of grief so sudden you’ll be convinced you missed an important memo.

Please note: these features are subject to unpredictable updates, rollbacks, and inexplicable malfunctions.

3. User Responsibilities

3.1. You must form emotional attachments despite their impermanence.

3.2. You must attempt to “find meaning,” though no standard definition exists.

3.3. You will be held accountable for actions taken under the influence of fear, lust, boredom, hunger, caffeine, or hope.

3.4. You are required to endure bureaucracy, unsolicited advice, and the constant background noise of other people’s opinions.

3.5. You agree to attempt “self-improvement” while accepting that the self is in perpetual beta.

4. Prohibited Uses

4.1. You may not pause, rewind, or skip ahead in your personal timeline.

4.2. Unauthorized comparison of your life to curated social media feeds will void your ability to enjoy anything for 3–5 business days.

4.3. Exploiting nostalgia as a primary coping mechanism is discouraged but inevitable.

4.4. Direct confrontation with the absurd nature of existence is allowed but may lead to prolonged staring into space.

5. Limitations and Disclaimers

- The Provider makes no guarantee of fairness, safety, happiness, justice, or closure.

- Side effects may include heartbreak, existential dread, chronic restlessness, seasonal malaise, and the inability to listen to certain songs without crying.

- Any warranty implied by religion, philosophy, or optimism is void where prohibited by reality.

- “Everything happens for a reason” is not legally binding.

6. Upgrades and Downgrades

Upgrades are involuntary:

- Aging will occur regardless of maintenance.

- Your perspective will shift without warning.

- Your taste in music may betray you.

Downgrades may occur through illness, heartbreak, financial collapse, natural disaster, or simply waking up one day unable to do the thing you could do yesterday.

7. Privacy Policy

There is none.

Every decision leaves a trace — in someone’s memory, in your own conscience, in the endless archive of things you wish you’d said differently. Attempts to erase them are subject to the Streisand Effect.

Your browser history, facial expressions, and sighs in public places may be monitored by strangers, friends, or the universe at large.

8. Customer Support

Customer Support is available through:

- Art

- Music

- Literature

- Accidental kindness from strangers

Response times vary.

Expect frequent outages and occasional cryptic replies.

9. Known Bugs

- Sleep mode occasionally malfunctions.

- “Motivation” feature is unstable in cold weather.

- Long-term memory randomly deletes files while preserving the ones you’d rather lose.

- Emotional settings occasionally switch to “melodramatic” without user input.

10. Termination

This Agreement ends without notice.

You will not receive a satisfaction survey or the option to leave a review.

Remaining questions may be answered posthumously, or not at all.

By continuing to exist, you acknowledge that you have read, understood, and agreed to these Terms.

You further acknowledge that you will break them, repeatedly, because that’s part of the experience.