Funny
Jenny and Ben: A Tale of Undying Love
In the heart of the quaint village of Willow Creek, nestled amidst rolling hills and whispering pines, resided two young souls, Jenny and Ben, bound by a love as deep as the ancient well that stood at the village's edge. Their love story was as enchanting as the village itself, a tale of star-crossed lovers destined to defy the odds.
By HealthyHealthy2 years ago in Humor
Fake News Headline Challenge
When it comes to fake news headlines, The Onion remains the undisputed heavyweight champion. Of course I am referring to The Onion in its heyday, back when it still had a hard copy print edition that actually could be delivered to your door or purchased from newstands or paperboxes in large cities around the country (mostly the northeast). Yes, that is how old I am. What remains of The Onion, theonion.com is mostly a sad reminder of those halcyon days of yore. They still sell merchandise featuring some of the classics, but the headlines and stories they crank out today are a far cry from the brilliant, biting, satire and wit of their early to middle years. Of course, it could just be I am too old now to appreciate the humor. In any case, selecting the best of them is really an impossible task. There are just too many to choose from. However, for purposes of this challenge, which is to come up with the best The Onion style fake news headline, I am going to list three of my all time favorites, starting with my absolute favorite first.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Humor
I Don't Want Lunch, I Want Dinner!. Content Warning.
I was brought up with Breakfast, Dinner, Tea, and Supper. Today, I have a desperate dilemma! My children were brought up the same way, but now they are older; lunch has become tea, and dinner has become a mid-morning meal!
By Carol Ann Townend2 years ago in Humor
Jesus Saves at Temple Market
Jesus Christ, lord and savior to tens of millions of Christians worldwide, reportedly saved big at the temple market during his last shopping trip there. Though he has been permanently banned from the market for disrupting business by violently turning over money changer's tables during previous visits he still shops there regularly in disguise. The son of God saved close to fifteen percent off of regular prices on fish heads, mulled wine, and bread loaves by buying them from the clearance rack at the back of the temple and not near the front entrance where they are generally found at much higher prices. After leaveing the store with almost 100 drachma remaining from his budget of 200 dinar Jesus was reportedly quite pleased with how much he had saved saying the following "They say give to Ceaser what is Ceaser's and give to God what is God's. Oh wait, I mean, I say that, or, I said that. Not sure exactly where I was going with that, but man did I save big today. I mean I saved a lot. Nice!" With that Jesus bowed his head, turned and walked away.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Humor
Defend Your Home with a Good Book!
A blow with a word strikes deeper than a blow with a sword. Robert Burton, 1577-1640. I’ve been reorganizing my books recently. No, not because I’m the nerdy, obsessive type who arranges his reading material in some weird way. Alphabetically by author is mainstream, so don’t judge me. Judge that bunch who group them by colour. Weirdos.
By Brendan Donaghy2 years ago in Humor
Deevolutionary Theory Proponents Point to Tennessee as Evidence
In a vigorous debate with evolutionary theorists this week, proponents of the competing theory of deevolution argued that the makeup of the current human population of Tennessee clearly supports the claims made by their theory, while at the same time standing in direct opposition to what traditional evolutionary theory would predict. Dr. Stephen Wandsworth a leading deevolutionary theorist said the following in a prepared statement at the close of the debate. "Our thorough analysis of both the phenotypic (appearance based) and genotypic (DNA sequence based) makeup of the current human population of Tennessee has vindicated deevolutionary theorists claims and laid bare the great weaknesses inherent in traditional evolutionary theory. For example, evolutionary theory claims that living beings continually improve themselves over time through the process of natural selection, with only the strongest and most well adapted surviving to reproduce another generation. They refer to this as survival of the fittest. In contrast, deevolutionary theory presents a competing hypothesis we call survival of the fattest. Deevolutionary theory and survival of the fattest predicts that only the most overweight, out of shape, and irresponsible will reproduce in high enough numbers to continue another generation. The current human population of Tennessee which features an overabundance of overweight, morbidly obese, and totally out of shape persons is clear evidence that survival of the fattest is the more accurate. On the genetic level we are seeing a reduction in both the total number of functional coding genes and a significant increase in single nucleotide polymorphisms (SNPs) and other mutations across large portions of the genome triggering serious and damaging changes in protein structure and function. As a result the physical appearance of the average Tennessee human has degraded significantly. Tennessee humans are now shorter, have lower IQs, less teeth, more diseases, and fewer boyfriend/girlfriend prospects than at any time since records have been kept. Yet, they continue to reproduce at a rapid clip and the level of irresponsible sexual matings between Tennesse males and females inlcuding out of wedlock, cousin and even brother sister pairings are at their highest levels ever. This is not something one would expect if evolutionary theory were an accurate representation of reality, deevolutionary theory however, predicts exactly these results. Both theories indidcate that superfluous organs and structures will be selected out over time however they differ greatly in terms of the importance each gives to various organ systems and structures. If evolutionary theory were correct Tennessee humans should have healthy teeth, and stand and walk upright with a straight gate, but instead we see a majority with very few teeth left, standing hunched over and favoring a sloping limping shuffle. When it comes to mate selection evolutionary theory and deevolutionary theory also differ greatly. Evolutionary theory argues that the female looks to reproduce with only the most fit males ensuring that her genes will be successfully carried on to the next generation. In contrast in deevolutionary theory a female looks to reproduce with males that will carry her jeans to the laundromat or buy her a pair of jeans or wear jean shorts. It is patently obvious that deevolutiary theory is more correct given the makeup of the current human population of Tennessee in which almost 9 out of 10 persons where jean shorts for the majority of days of every year. Given all the data it seems clear that at least when it comes to the human population of Tennessee, evolutionary theory is simply not correct. Deevolutionary theory, on the other hand, has been totally vindicated. The question we need to answer next is if Tennessee is but an outlier, or if other states will also show deevolutionary theory to have superior explanatory power. There are a few obvious cases, Kentucky and Alabama come to mind, but what we do not yet understand is which theory will prevail in more mainstream states like Ohio and Virginia. No matter, the results we have obtained so far represent nothing less than a paradigm shift in our understanding of human evpolution and deevolution." Ironically both theories share the distinction of being not believed in by 99% of the humans of Tennessee.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Humor
Dear Sir or Madam, Kindly Shove Your Artwork Up Your Ass
A Danish artist who was given a pile of cash by a museum in northern Denmark to create a piece for its exhibition on labor conditions two years ago submitted two empty canvases — titled “Take the Money and Run.” The exhibit caused a stir. (AP News, September 27, 2023)
By Brendan Donaghy2 years ago in Humor
Preamble to the Constitution of the United Vegetables of the Refrigerator Crisper
Author’s note: A friend challenged me to rewrite the preamble to the US Constitution including the phrase “…in order to form a more perfect onion” which for some reason this friend found particularly hilarious. I thought it was kind of cute too and decided to accept the challenge. It was actually fairly difficult but I do like what I managed to come up with.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Humor
