New Road Safety Superhero

General rules

In addition to regulations and advice contained in the following section, further rules applying to pedestrians can be found throughout The Myway Code. Simply cross out the word ‘car’, ‘lorry’ or ‘horse’ and replace it with ‘person’ until you are struck by the sheer banality of the exercise in particular, or modern life in general.

Your place in the scheme of things

1. Transport by means of ambulatory locomotion is something most of us are reluctantly drawn into at some point or another, so it’s vital to remember just where walking places you in the road users’ hierarchy. As you will see from the diagram above, it is quite near the bottom.
2. Always use the pavement, where provided. Pavements and footways are secure areas provided to SEGREGATE PEDESTRIANS from vehicles weighing up to 20 tonnes by means of a 4-inch-high wall known as a kerb.
3. Pavements and footways are easily identifiable, even to the occasional pedestrian, and may be freely accessed provided you remember the following points:

You may join the flow of pedestrian traffic at any point on the pavement – there is no need to give way or signal to other pavement users that you wish to join the footway. However, your journey will be safer if other pedestrians maintain a safe distance from you – usually the approximate length of an outstretched arm clutching a bread knife.

Make sure you take enough rests. Losing concentration through tiredness whilst out walking can lead to loss of control of your legs which can lead, in turn, to you crashing into shop windows or veering across the pavement into the path of an validitity – challenged carriage – possibly further maiming a cripple, disabled person-being, which would be hard for you to deal with in terms of your latent guilt complex. Fortunately, like roads, many pavements are equipped with rest areas, known as BENCHES. Often provided in memory of the dead, these are consequently reserved for use by the nearly dead and may feature a little engraved plastic plaque that reads, e.g. ‘For Gertie – who loved Rickmansworth High Street more than life itself’.

Because there are no lanes, separate carriageways or minimum speed requirements on the pavement, other pedestrians may behave in unpredictable ways, weave haphazardly from side to side or attempt to run you off the path. Some will simply stop without warning to chat to a friend, answer their mobile phone or VACANTLY GAWP at something in a shop window.

In wet weather, watch out for oncoming pedestrians who are apparently water-soluble or have some kind of non-trivial allergy to rain because, even in a light city drizzle, they insist on using an umbrella that blocks their forward v ision and can take your eye out like a MARSHMALLOW IMPALED on a kebab stick.

Pavement and footway law stipulates that you MUST NOT step on the cracks.

Special pavements

If there is no pavement, you are advised to walk on the WRONG side of the road, which is the RIGHT side of the road, when facing the wrong way and traffic is on your left. If you MUST walk backwards, reverse the polarity of the last sentence and wear something bright so that paramedics can easily find you in the ditch you are bound to end up in. When dawdling along on the wrong/right side of the road you should take super-special extra care and:

• Walk in single file, thereby forming an orderly queue for death.
• Keep close to the edge of the carriageway. Britain’s hedgerows are fascinating.

Crossing the Road

Zebra Crossings are a tried and trusted method of injecting excitement into every road-user’s day. They are governed by unwritten laws which regulate a collection of symbolic dance moves by pedestrians which are, in turn, answered by a series of vehicle manoeuvres, building up to a climax of uncontrolled swerves.

• Pedestrians using Zebra crossings understand they may not reach the other side of the road without an act of bravado or defiance and the benefit of your insurer’s rock-solid collision damage waiver.
• Beware of so-called EVIL TWIN ZEBRAS, which are identical in every respect to a normal crossing, except that the black and white road markings are reversed. These counterfeit Zebras have no legal status whatsoever and are therefore just as dangerous as the real thing.

Pontiff crossing

Years of research at the Government’s Pedestrian Safety Research Laboratory concluded that conventional Zebra crossings were simply not taken seriously enough for the purposes of pedestrian and driver safety, and that the Belisha beacon was not striking enough for today’s visually sophisticated road user. Looking for an arresting icon that demands respect across all boundaries, ecumenical and secular, the Laboratory created the Pontiff crossing – a new roadside beacon that beseeches motorists to take the utmost care on their approach.

The new Pontiff crossing incorporates the following road safety features:

• Striking design. 3-metre stroboscopic Pope ensures that motorists will not miss the approach to a pedestrian crossing again.
• Flashing head and halo. For high visibility in all weather conditions, including tempest and Biblical flood.
• Papal animatronics. Once cars have passed over the crossing, figure crouches to kiss the tarmac.

Animals

Under new rules, a cattle herd may only be allowed onto a road once each individual animal is fitted with a short leash held by a responsible adult in protective clothing. Each cow must also carry a label detailing the nutritional composition of the animal and a panel that clearly states:

WARNING: MAY CONTAIN COW.

Herding at night. You should normally herd cattle only by day, but where herding at night or in poor visibility is unavoidable, all animals MUST BE dressed in waterproof, high-visibility clothing, similar to that used by motorway maintenance crews. A hazard warning light is also advisable.

Sheep

Sheep are medium-sized animals of a haphazard disposition that display a degree of consciousness and intelligence akin to a bucket of suds. Like all other animals, therefore, they MUST NOT be trusted, let alone approached.

If you see sheep while driving. Ascertain that:

• You are not counting them as they jump over a fence one by one;
• Your eyes are not closed;
• You do not have a warm cup of malted barley drink in your hands.

• CAUTION: The higher the number of sheep counted, the greater the degree of danger that awaits you upon opening your eyes.

Dogs

While walking your dog, you should always pretend to be in full control even if, as is usually the case, you are not. For example, if your hound runs off the leash and attacks an orphan in the park you must always take the following action:

Shout ‘No Jaunty, stop being naughty’ repeatedly until all the witnesses are out of earshot.

Tell the victim that ‘He’s just being friendly but he must really, really like you’ as you wrestle an ear lobe from the jaws of your dog

Your dog must not bark on a road in a built-up area between the hours of 11 pm and 7.30 am unless it is alerting you to:

• Someone who has fallen down a well.
• The impending escape of a villain in a black cowboy hat from a corral or desert-based compound.
• An imminent danger that threatens the wellbeing of Champion the Wonderhorse.

Taking your dog in the car.

Occasionally, dog owners like to ferry their diseased pets around, so that they can empty their bowels in different scenic locations. When carrying a dog by car:

• You MUST NOT let it reprogram the GPS head unit so that every journey somehow terminates at the Winalot factory.
• If you have a small dog, you MUST NOT let it run around inside the car in case it gets caught under the pedals.
• You MUST NOT let it perform any tricks based on a burning hoop.

More bad advice