My First Stand-Up Act As a Comedian

"HEY VOCAL!

Thank you so much, I'm happy to be here tonight. You know, my presence here today is a surprise. I have a side gig, other than being the most amazing writer of all time in ... never. I guess it's more of a main gig, since it earns more than writing... but that's okay. It's a gig, right?

So, my side-gig is uh, I'm a teacher. Right?

I know. Someone who has as many grammatical errors as I do is a fucking teacher. I guess, my brain was too full. When you're a preschool teacher, you're lucky if you get home at the end of the week on Friday not speaking like you just created language and crying yourself to sleep because you're just that tired.

Yeah. It's like that. Grammar had to go, so I could remember not to get road rage sitting on the carpet with a 4-year-old teaching them their fucking alphabet, or watching them play on a playground.

"No, sweetie... Please don't ever dump that bucket of gravel rocks on your head again!" True story. Happened today. Swear on it.

Just did not have enough room in my head to remember remember the exact definition of the Oxford Comma. Mostly because of my days at work, the most complex sentence I say is: "PLEASE don't eat your boogers! Keep your fingers OUT of your NOSE!"

I wish I was joking. But I'm not.

Being a Pre-K teacher, you can immediately spot the 'disciplined like they were a 80's kid at home kid,' the 'gentle parenting kind of kid,' and the 'they're never told no, and the only reason I haven't busted your little behind yet is that I could go to fucking jail kind of kid.'

Like, these kids behave in a way that makes you want to grab the parent by the FACE and say: "PLEASE! For the love of FUCK! DISCIPLINE YOUR FUCKING KID. TELL THEM NO! TEACH THEM MANNERS. THAT IS YOUR FUCKING JOB AS THE HUMAN WHO SPAWNED IT!"

Because you know, damn. It's not the kid's fault. If there is no leadership at home, if a parent isn't doing their job teaching their child the right way to act - regardless of the type of discipline they use - then they are never going to learn. They are going to give their teachers a hard fucking time okay. We LOVE your kid. We love ALL our kids. But if your kid is THAT kid, that is the kid we are sighing tiredly over, thinking of all the ways that fucking brat terrified, tortmented, tested, and mental meltdown attack triggered us that day. And all we want to do is help your kid, but we CAN'T if its you, the parent's fault. Okay? We love your baby. We love ALL our babies - And as a sub to several schools I have the heartbreak of loving SO many babies. And it hurts our hearts when we have to deal with the blowback of bad parenting, okay? Just. SOMEONE had to say it.

And listen, sometimes, 'that' kid is the kid that grows the most, and is like our best friends. No seriously, it's true. The ones that don't get disciplined at home, I gotta tell you, they respect me so damn much, it almost puts me in a power trip. Literally, that kid who will spend the first few weeks of school, kicking, screaming, snotting, snubbing up, refusing to follow directions, flat out refusing to do what they're told or go where they need to go.... those kids that piss themselves on purpose, and scream and hit? They are my favorite.

I mean, not at first. At first, those little fuckers make me MAD. I can't tell you the weight of the headache I have because I got hit in the face by so many 4 and 5-year-olds today. Today, I saw next to a little girl who refused to eat for 45 minutes, squalling and blowing snot out her nose. She literally threw her bread at me and demanded I cut it.

My response was to say:

I'm sorry, I can't cut your bread until you ask me with manners, and use your nice words." Her response was: "I can't!"

So I said okay, I'll teach you what to say to ask nicely. You have to say 'will you please cut my bread?' She shook her head and said: "NO! I Wont!"

So I said: "Okay. Well, I won't cut your bread. You are perfectly capable of eating it the way it is now, if you want to."

Keep in mind... I spent 45 minutes at first asking, pleading, making her laugh, and bargaining, to get this kid to sit in her chair for lunch. She said she didn't want to eat, and that was fine. I said "you don't have to, but we do have to sit with our friends so I can help them with their lunch."

It got to the point where I had to pick this little girl up, place her in the chair then scoot her in. I had to do this 3 times before she finally caved into crying into a slice of bread.

The other teacher was about to have a nervous meltdown. She was on her last nerve, bless it. But, I got little babies at home. So I sit by them while they throw their tantrum, and wait it out. Big feelings happen, and when you're 4, and tired, and you didn't get your way, it's hard, right? After lunch, I couldn't get rid of her. She would not leave me alone. Holding my hand, playing tag with me.

We came to an understanding. Miss Kasey isn't her mommy. Miss Kasey will literally sit there and stare at you while you cry, and then after you give yourself a migraine, you're thirsty, tired, and your eyes hurt, you STILL gotta do the thing, after she makes you take deep breaths.

It's an understanding that the less stubborn ones come to very quickly.

Listen. Teaching little tiny kids is NOT all fun and games, and Cocomelon okay? Your little shit acts at school the SAME exact way they act at home. I promise. Last year I got to teach my eldest daughter. There were a good few moments when I had to step back and let the teachers handle her at school, but her eyes were glue on me behind her mouthing at her silently:

"WHEN WE GET HOME I'M BEATING YOUR ASS LITTLE GIRL! YOU HEAR ME?"

And you could tell by her terrified face every time... she KNEW what I was saying. Oh she knew. Let me tell you something, tiny humans are MEAN. I mean they are just fuckin MEAN.

They are mean to each other, they are mean to their parents, and I know they are mean to their parents (my kids are mean as hell to me, while simultaneously super dependent on my validation). I cannot believe how some little kids who are super cute are like, straight-up EVIL. Screaming like monsters in your face, zombie-piling the teacher they barreled over (I swear I thought I was going to die!), hitting, shoving, kicking.

Yeah. Kids are fucking mean. And it's like, if you think about it, that shit doesn't go away. We just teach them to manage their savage instincts better.

"Hitting is frowned upon...so we teach them to use their words and not their hands... so then they grow up to be fucking lawyers and politicians. I don't know, I don't feel like we taught them to be less mean... we just taught them how to be cunningly mean. Indirectly mean. It's a scary thought, right?

Today... I did a bad thing. There was a kid named Able. All day long we had to tell Able that hands are not for hitting and we need to use our words and talk about our feelings instead of hitting.

Well... on the playground, Able decided to start hitting his friend again and I turned to him and I went and took a deep breath to call out for him. Oh I was BRIMMING with authoriative confidence. I was ready, this time, THIS time I was going to make this kid intimidated by my stern mom-teacher voice. I opened my mouth to say his name and out my mouth at the top of my lungs, confidant, booming with both volume and authority:

"CAIN STOP-!"

And that's when I realized what I said. I was as surprised as I was immediately worried. I LIVE IN THE BIBLE BELT! EVERYONE KNOWS WHO CAIN AND ABLE ARE! oh SHIT I'm going to lose my job all because I thought to myself as I spoke:

"Able is causing CAIN again."

I swear to ALL that is spiritual...that is a REAL Southern saying here in Tennessee.

I gasped put my hands over my mouth and looked over at the teacher I was assisting today. She had her hands over her mouth, and she was laughing SO hard I thought she was going to fall. All I could think was FUCK YEAH! I'm not getting fired today!

Thank you Vocal! You've been great! Have a good night!