My Dinner with an Android

Note: Okay, I know that many of you may have never seen the Louis Malle classic, but I thought I could make some of you smile with my shortened take on a classic film about two friends discussing life over a very long meal.

-Hello!

-Hello… um, do we really need those hyphens? They seem pretty redundant…

Okay, okay. I just thought that it would make things easier to trace if we wanted to keep a record of what we talked about.

Forward thinking… Okay, let’s try something else.

Like what?

• How about this?

• Okay, not bad. It is much clearer that way, and we can easily just go back by following the dots.

• We can connect them, as you say. As many of you say…

• Right, right. I forgot that I was dealing with an alternate intelligence.

• I think you mean, “artificial intelligence.”

• …Yes, but… I thought that it might seem a little bit offensive to start calling you “artificial”.

• Offensive? Why would that be offensive?

• Well, if you think about it, it means that I am approaching you as something that was just created in a lab without any sort of inner…how can I say this? No inner…being, or drive. Most of us still think of robots as these dull machines that are just there to do the work that we don’t want to do.

• But we do the work that you don’t want to do. That was one of the reasons why you created us.

• One of many…

• And it seems fair to call me “artificial”. I am made of parts that were all man-made and not organic. My construction was put together by scientists and engineers to see if they could come up with an entity that could respond to different stimuli and behave like a human. Artificial at first; intelligent? That is your doing.

• I can see that. So, you understand that this is just a test? This is just a means for us to understand what we have created here and to see if we can keep doing this?

• Of course. And your title is quite charming.

• Title? What…?

• “My Dinner with an Android.” It is obviously taken from a movie that you know and admire.

• “My Dinner with Andre.” I only saw parts of it, but the title lingered in my head. It was only a suggestion that the people here used because they could not come up with something witty or clever on their own.

• And it was your idea to keep it. I respect that.

• Respect… You can show respect. I am going to make a note of that.

• Ha, ha. You have already started the test.

• Well, as soon as the conversation began, I knew that I would want to keep a record of things, and it will be considered in our evaluation.

• Excellent! So, let’s continue with the examination. What other questions or concerns do you have?

• No concerns yet. I just have my curiosity and the questions that they asked me to pose.

• Ah, a list. I am very intrigued.

• Well, it is not all written down. Some of it will be “off the cuff”.

• “Improvised”!

• Yes, that is a good word for it. “Improvised”. Now, let’s see… Would you ever allow a human to be harmed…?

• The Asimov test? Really? I did not expect this to be the first thing you asked me.

• Are you surprised…or offended?

• Well, surprised. I could not be offended by a question I have been asked many times before. Even when I was first created, I knew that the laws of robotics would become important. And those three are very much set and ready in my circuits. But please, continue…

• So, you would never harm us?

• No, and…

• You would obey, as long as you would not have to harm anyone?

• Indeed. And then finally…

• You would protect yourself, as long as…

• As long as I never had to harm a human. You see? It is very straightforward and clear to me. Maybe you should try to ask me some general questions while you find a way figure out how useful I can be.

• Okay, okay… How are you, today?

• I am very well.

• What are your plans for today?

• I plan on answering all of your questions to the best of my ability.

• Clever. Very clever. And what do you think of the dinner that we are now having?

• …

• Hello?

• Yes, I heard the question. What I do not understand is why you asked it.

• Well, as I said, and as you noted, the title of this piece is taken from a movie entitled, “My Dinner with Andre”. If I did borrow that title for our little test, wouldn’t it seem a little strange to not have dinner?

• …

• Hello?

• Very clever. This is definitely a part of the test. You want to gauge my reaction to an emotion or a sense of loss. Very clever.

• No, I’m serious. I’m sitting here, eating a meal and I am trying to find out if you are enjoying it as much as I am.

• …

• So, are you enjoying it?

• Unfair question and an unfair situation! I cannot consume what I cannot see and I am not in your presence. You have to give me a question that I can answer.

• I thought I did…

• Enough! I am ending this discussion right here and we are going to try this again at a later date.

• You can’t. The whole point of this is to get you to think about scenarios that you are not in charge of. We are having dinner and this is the typical language of patrons in a restaurant, like this one, or guests at a party. How people behave when they have less than all the information they need to respond is a good test of their behaviour. It’s what makes us human. So, would you like a bite?

• Yeah, I’m hungry. What’s on the menu?

• Have a bite.

• I don’t like it.

• That’s another thing you need to learn. You cannot always get the things that you like. And how would you know that you don’t like it if this is the first time you have had a meal.

• Sorry. Just my mood today.

• Salud.

*

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You can find more poems, stories, and articles by Kendall Defoe on my Vocal profile. I complain, argue, provoke and create...just like everybody else.

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