My Dad Saw a Naked Lady Streaking Through the Yard

I was sneaky for a ten-year-old. Well, maybe not sneaky, but definitely curious. I liked getting into everything — including my grumpy old neighbours above-ground pool.

The grumpy old neighbours in question were actually our landlords, and they lived on the property. We rented a mobile home that sat on a section of their acreage, and they lived a stone’s throw away.

They didn’t like us much.

Back then, my pops was always yelling about one thing or another and I’m not gonna lie, it turned a good many people away from friendship with the ol’ boy.

Mom advised my brother and me to steer clear of the landlords. Dad had put a bad taste in their mouths with all his ranting and raving, which meant, like always, we’d have to pay the price.

The entire family found ourselves in the bad books of our landlords due to Dad’s hot head.

The problem is that “steering clear” has never been my style.

So one sunny afternoon, I decided to sneak a dip in the grumpy old landlord’s swimming pool.

I don’t know why my undeveloped brain thought I’d be able to pull off a surreptitious soak in the broad daylight of high noon, but swimmers gonna swim.

And I’ve always been a swimmer.

When I was six months old, my babysitter, Candy, tossed me into a public swimming pool — it is still undetermined whether anyone was on the other end to catch me. But I made it through alright and have loved the water ever since.

And let’s be honest, what kind of a sadistic person can live just up a gravel driveway from a ten-year-old and not offer them a little splash every once in a while in their pool?!

A terrible person, that’s who.

I was done with waiting. The time was now.

I had to swim.

My first mistake was not covering my swimsuit-clad body as I marched toward the pool.

My next faux pas? Marching toward the pool.

“Lindsay!” Mom whisper-screamed from the kitchen window. “Lindsay! Don’t even think about it. You were not invited to that pool, so don’t you dare get into it!”

Gah! Mother! Why must you forever ruin my quest for independence?

Her words registered, but for a split second, I pretended not to hear her. Then my better judgment kicked in, and I changed my tactic, thinking maybe I could woo the grumpy landlords with my wit and charm, and they would give me the invitation that Mother seemed so set upon.

That’s when I noticed Dad stumbling down our driveway, pale-faced and nauseous-looking.

I sprung up from my perch on the grass and followed closely on his heels into our house.

“My God, Dan, looks like you just saw a ghost. Are you okay?” Mom asked with concern.

“Christ almighty, I think I did just see a ghost. Or something just as scary,” Dad said through quaking breaths.

Mom gave him a quizzical look.

“Did…Did you know that old bag skinny dips in that thing?”

“Oh no!” Mom shrieked.

“Oh yes,” Dad sighed resignedly.

Dad’s workspace was in the back forty of the property, where he kept his various trucks and equipment. The pool was set smack dab in the middle of the back forty and our mobile. The only path from our place to Dad’s work area was directly past the pool.

“Did she see you?” Mom asked worriedly.

I wondered if Louise was the witch I always imagined her to be and if Dad might have a hex coming his way. Witches are notorious for hexing men who sneak up on them.

“I jumped into a bush to hide,” my burly father said with as much dignity as he could muster.

Phewf, I thought, no hex then.

“Why was she naked?” I asked excitedly, and my parents jumped, not realizing I was in the room.

“She was walking from the pool,” he shivered inwardly a little, “to their house. She was all wet and dripping. I was scared she’d see me and think I was peeping on her, so I dove into one of the lilac bushes!” Dad said, regaining his composure. “But I saw everything. And I tell ya, I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again.”

Wow, I thought as I watched my mom pour Dad a stiff drink to calm his nerves. That could have been me, Mom was pouring a stiff drink for if I had left only a few seconds earlier to swim in the forbidden pool.

I wondered what I would have done if I had seen the grumpy old landlord walking from pool to house in her birthday suit. Jumped into the bushes, too, I reckoned. I didn’t feel too bad for Dad, because if any of us deserved to witness such a sight, it was him.

I was quietly thankful that I dodged that bullet. And strangely never felt the need to swim in that pool again.

Some moments in life become everlasting lore in the family tales we weave. Those tiny memories we shape into larger-than-life legends of adventure. Those insignificant memoirs we craft into the very definition of our existence.

We still talk about the time Dad witnessed grumpy old Louise streaking through the yard, and I still wonder if it was karma at work that day and finally he was made to pay the price for all that ranting and raving.

I guess I’m just curious like that.