More Bad Jokes — And I’m Back at the Job Agency!

I considered his question carefully. “Well, my fat parrot died today. That was a huge weight off my shoulders, I can tell you.”

The job agency guy shook his head. “No, that’s not what I was asking. I meant how are things going professionally. I assume the answer is ‘not well’ given that you’re back here so soon?”

I shrugged. “What can I say? Things haven’t worked out for me lately.”

He opened the file in front of him. “You were working as a bug sorter at the zoo. What went wrong this time?”

“I guess I just didn’t box all the right ticks.”

“And your time in the pet shop didn’t last very long. You were fired for providing poor customer service, I understand?”

I shook my head. “That’s all wrong, man. “Some dude came in and wanted to buy a goldfish. And he wanted an aquarium. Like, seriously? Am I supposed to know the star signs of the goldfish now?”

“Er…no, that’s not…”

“And then some dumbass asked to see a dog bowl. I told him, ‘Get outta here! This is a pet shop, not a circus!’ And here’s the real kicker — the manager took his side!”

He put his pen on the desk. “Maybe it’s time for some straight talking here. Every manager you work for claims you’re hard to motivate. They say you’re so lazy, it makes them angry!”

“That’s not true!” I protested. “They get mad at me even when I don’t do anything!”

“So, they’re all just making this stuff up?”

I sat forward in my chair. “What you don’t understand, my friend, is that some of these bosses just love to take advantage of people.”

“How so?” he asked.

“Okay, listen to this. I went to a restaurant with my wife last night. I told the manager we didn’t have a reservation and asked if he could squeeze us in. He said, ‘Do you mind waiting for a while?’ I said, ‘Sure, no problem.’ ‘Great!’ he said. ‘Take these drinks over to table 2, then come back for the starters.’ That guy was B-N-G-A, man. B-N-G-A!”

He shook his head. “What does that mean?”

“It’s bang out of order,” I said, sitting back.

He raised his hands like I was holding a gun on him. “Okay, point taken, but they’re not all like that! The manager at the pet shop is a very reasonable lady.”

“Ya think? Let me tell you, my co-worker Julius nicknamed her the Emperor because she’s such a dictator!”

“I have to disagree,” he replied. “I don’t see her as a hardass.”

“Well, that’s how Julius sees her!”

“Talking about your co-workers, your habit of correcting them on their speech causes conflict in the workplace, by all accounts. Sounds like there’d be less arguments if you stopped sharing your grammar expertise!”

“That’s fewer arguments, man. It’s a countable noun, so…”

“I don’t care!” he shouted, rattled. “All I care about is getting you into a job that you can keep! Think we can do that?”

I sat back in my chair. “I’ll try anything, man.”

He lifted a sheet of paper from the tray on his desk.

“Okay, let’s see what we’ve got. Oh, this sounds like a fun gig — a blind taster in the brewery! You get to drink beer all day. What’s not to like?”

I shook my head. “You have to wear a blindfold during tasting sessions. I can’t see myself doing that.”

“We’ve plenty of vacancies for delivery drivers. You can drive, right?”

“Not anymore. Not since I ran into that lamppost last year.”

“Did you lose your licence?”

“No, but I picked up quite a few light injuries.”

“The local ramblers club is looking for a receptionist.”

“I phoned that guy yesterday. He just went on and on.”

He slid the paper back onto the tray. “That’s all I have at the minute, I’m afraid. Would you consider voluntary work? You know, just to keep busy?”

I snorted. “Voluntary work? I wouldn’t do that if you paid me!”

He shrugged. “I’m all out of ideas, then. Do you have any suggestions?”

“Funny you should say that,” I said. “I’m thinking of starting my own theatre group. Whatcha think?”

“A theatre group? Are you having me on?”

I shuffled in my seat. “You can have an audition, sure, but I’m not making any promises.”

A thought occurred to him. “What was the issue with your flight attendant training? I know they threw you off the course, but what actually happened there?”

“A whole pile of BS, man!” I said angrily. “That’s what happened there! But I’m gonna sue their asses, don’t you worry about that! My lawyer’s all over this!”

He’d picked up his file and was looking through it. “Was it your bad jokes again? They have caused a few problems before.”

“No, it wasn’t my bad jokes, for your information! Fear of heights, they said! Read their damn letter! ‘Your altitude problem means we are unable to keep you on the training program!’ What a pile of crap! Well, they’re gonna regret that, I can tell you!”

He was looking at a sheet of paper. “Attitude problem, it says. Not altitude. Nothing to do with heights.”

“Excuse me, I said, rising from the chair. “I gotta go call my lawyer.”