Local Man Creates Religion Around Toast, Sparks Global Movement

It all began with a simple slice of sourdough.

Fifty-two-year-old Dennis Mallard of Cheboygan, Michigan was preparing his usual breakfast — two slices of toast, lightly buttered, just a whisper of cinnamon — when he claims he received a “revelation.” As the second slice popped up, Dennis saw what he described as “a divine shimmer” across the crust.

“I swear to the Almighty Gluten, it winked at me,” Dennis said, holding up the now-preserved slice in a vacuum-sealed reliquary. “Right then, I knew. I had been chosen.”

What started as a carb-based epiphany has grown into a spiritual movement with over 40,000 members worldwide. They call themselves the Toastinians, and yes, they do gather every Sunday morning — usually around brunch.

🍞 The Gospel According to Dennis

Dennis founded the First Church of the Crispened Redeemer the very next day. Services were originally held in his garage, sandwiched between a leaf blower and a vintage pinball machine, but the congregation quickly outgrew the space.

“People just… felt seen,” said longtime follower Brenda Lu, who once wept openly after finding a cinnamon swirl resembling the face of Bea Arthur. “There’s something profoundly moving about watching your toaster glow with the light of promise.”

The Church’s central text is the Book of Toasticles, a 94-page handwritten manifesto where Dennis outlines his teachings, including:

The Ten Toastments (Thou shalt not refrigerate bread)

The Sacred Spread Spectrum (all condiments are welcome, except margarine, which is heresy)

The belief that salvation is achieved through crispening, a spiritual and literal process

🕊️ Miracles, Martyrs, and Multigrain

Word of the religion spread quickly, thanks to viral TikToks of toast “miraculously” landing butter-side up, and one particularly unsettling video of Dennis emerging from a pile of croutons.

Critics were quick to dismiss the movement as “just a weird breakfast club,” but Toastinians remain devout. Some claim to have experienced miraculous healings after being lightly tapped on the forehead with a baguette. One woman even says her sciatica improved after sleeping with a hot slice of rye under her pillow — though doctors insist it was probably just warm bread.

🔥 A Crisis of Crumbs

With popularity came controversy.

At a recent global conference dubbed Crumb-a-Con, a rogue faction known as the Wafflites stormed the stage, throwing Eggo minis and chanting “SYRUP IS SALVATION!” before being escorted out by security.

“We have no quarrel with Wafflites,” Dennis later said in a press release. “But syrup is a condiment of chaos. Our path is butter and jam.”

Dennis also had to address growing schisms within his own ranks. The “Whole Wheat Warriors” demanded more inclusion for high-fiber theology, while the “Celiac Seekers” pushed for a gluten-free spiritual alternative.

In response, Dennis announced the formation of a new sect, The Toast-Intolerant, who practice a symbolic form of worship using cardboard cutouts of bread and a lot of hope.

✝️ The Rituals

Sunday gatherings include group toasting sessions, spread blessings, and something called “The Crunchening,” where members bite into sacred slices in synchronized rhythm.

One elder, known only as YeastFather Ron, leads the congregation in chants like:

“Toast be with you.”

“And also with jam.”

They conclude each service by raising their plates and proclaiming: "We are the bread. We are the heat. We are the toast.”

💬 Faith in a Time of Burnt Ends

When asked why the movement resonates with so many, sociologist Dr. Elaine Crumble offered this insight:

“People are starved for meaning. Toast provides structure. Literally. It’s structured bread.”

Dennis himself remains humble.

“I’m not a prophet,” he insists. “I’m just a guy who didn’t want to eat another soggy bagel. I believe we all have the potential to crisp and rise.”

📦 Merch and the Miracle of Monetization

Like any religion worth its salt (and lightly salted butter), the Church now sells merch:

Holy Toasters™ that brand bread with inspirational quotes

“What Would Dennis Do?” oven mitts

And limited-edition loaves signed by Dennis himself (best before date: spiritually eternal)

The Church has also launched a 24/7 livestream called "Bread-time" with Dennis, where he reads sermons from the Book of Toasticles, while flipping grilled cheese.

🚨 BREAKING: Rumors of a Toast Rapture?

A leaked memo from the Church suggests Dennis is preparing followers for something called The Browning, a spiritual event where true believers will be “ejected from the toaster of mortality and served unto the plate of the divine.”

The date is unclear, but many Toastinians are fasting (from untoasted bread) in preparation.

✍️ Final Thoughts from a Doubter Turned Devout

I came to Dennis’s house expecting a man with burnt edges and half-baked ideas. I left with tears in my eyes and crumbs in my pocket. Because somewhere between the ritual buttering and the group chant of “Crumb to Me, All Ye Flaky,” I felt something.

Maybe it was indigestion. .. Maybe it was enlightenment. .. Maybe it was both. Either way, I’m never eating cold cereal again!