Le Plongeur

When does a passion become an obsession? For example, what causes a football fan to name his firstborn after each member of his team's cup-winning side of 1967? Why does a woman with the correct complement of fingers and no particular liking for sewing have thirty assorted thimbles, each in a tiny pigeon-hole in a wooden display case, with over a thousand more in the garage? That's for the psychologists to decide.

While there are many stories of people and their obsessions, I'd like to relate the following; a curious tale of one man's obsessive rise, and his sudden demise.

Remaining years

Armitage J Crocker was a plumber who retired in 1974. After hanging up his pipe bender for the last time, he prepared to enjoy his remaining years doing what he liked, perhaps gardening or playing bowls at the local park.

As he settled into his new life, an old yearning came back that he found hard to resist. He didn't miss bleeding radiators or fitting new gas cookers, but he couldn't kick the satisfying glow he got from plunging waste pipes. It became an obsession.

As soon as his wife poured washing-up water from the bowl into the sink, Armitage would nudge her aside and begin vigorously plunging the plughole until a strong vortex was achieved, with a pleasing gurgle for an outro.

But clearing the waste pipes in his home wasn't enough to satisfy Armitage's urge, so he went around his neighbourhood, knocking on doors and offering his services free of charge. Many people took him up on his offer, and some showed their gratitude by giving him small gifts, like wine and chocolates. On one occasion, a young woman offered him sexual favours in return for having her bath plughole unblocked, but, being happily married, Armitage turned her down. While that display of unwavering fidelity is commendable, his abstention denied the rest of us at least a dozen good puns.

While on holiday in Broadstairs, Armitage was dissatisfied with the sluggish rate at which the hotel's en-suite wash basin drained. To the accompaniment of a heavy sigh from his wife, Armitage went out to buy a plunger. He cleared his waste pipe and then plunged the plugholes in the other eleven rooms at the hotel, for which he was rewarded with a free breakfast.

After that, Armitage never went out without a plunger, and his big moment came one afternoon at Kings Cross station.

Royal train

The royal train stood at a platform, and the then queen, Elizabeth the Second, was due to arrive at any moment with Prince Philip. There was consternation among those present as the sink in the royal bathroom was backed up, and an attendant tried desperately to clear it with a wire coat hanger. Armitage jumped into action. He boarded the carriage, waving his plunger, and officials guided him to the bathroom. Two minutes later, the sink was gleaming, and a minute after that, the royal couple arrived. Armitage had saved the day in the nick of time.

After his heroics on the royal train, Armitage's fame spread far and wide. He appeared on television and in the press. His image once adorned the front cover of Time magazine, dressed as the Statue of Liberty, holding his plunger aloft. The media gave their new darling several nicknames, including Crocker the Unblocker, Doctor Gurgle, and, in the French press, Le Plongeur.

He was a guest on The Parkinson Show, the biggest chat show on British TV, but when called, he didn't walk down the stairs to the iconic introduction music. Instead, he was shifting a stubborn blockage from the waste pipe of a wash basin in the green room, and he missed his cue. Of course, the audience loved that.

His fame spread, and he was invited to the USA to do the chat show circuit. While airborne, he started a version of the Mile High Club when he plunged a Concorde wash basin at 40,000 feet. Press photographers were in attendance, so the event became an international story. After that exploit, Armitage received dozens of photos of fans plunging sinks on airline flights. It seemed like there would be no end to the former plumber's meteoric rise.

Uncaring bastard

But fate is an uncaring bastard, and Armitage's end was sudden and fitting.

After taking a bath one night, he gave the plughole a good work over with the plunger. He stood naked in the bathtub, watching the water drain away, and as he turned to step out, he slipped on the smooth, wet surface and landed on the shaft of his plunger. I'll spare you the gory details of exactly how he landed on the shaft, but a reliable source said that the coroner at the post-mortem had used the word bullseye.

And that was the end of Armitage J Crocker. The mainstream media marked his passing, and hundreds turned out for his funeral. A week after his cremation, following instructions left in his will, his ashes were taken home and poured down the plughole in the kitchen sink. His son added a bucketful of water, and the grieving widow grabbed the much-used and well-travelled tool and plunged her late husband into eternity.