Just Walking My Dog

Bob yanked the dog leash from the tabletop. It slipped from his butter-covered fingers, but he managed to catch it in a heartbeat while also smacking his knuckle on the underside of the wood. Sucking in the pain (and his pride) he gestured to the door. “Come on, Muggles,” he said. “Time for walkies.”

“Bwoof!” said Muggles in his deep chain-smoking voice. Bob’s big, fluffy dog was more fur than man. Which was good because he was a dog.

Bob hummed as he held onto his leash. While on the cracked path leading to the park, an elderly man accosted him with a flier, slapping it into his nose. On the vibrant sheet of paper was a photo of a well-built naked man hiding his dingle-dangles under a cloud while lighting spiraled off him.

“Have you heard the word our good-looking God of Thunder: Zeus?” the elderly man asked him.

“Sorry, I’m just walking my dog.” Bob tried strolling past while maintaining a semblance of politeness.

The old man tried again. “Have you ever wondered what it would feel like to be the King of Gods?"

Bob finally took in the elderly man. Two towels hung from him. As far as clothing went, this was none. Bob looked at the flier again.

“Is this you on the poster?” he asked.

“Why, yes, it is,” said Zeus. “Stunning, aren’t I? They captured my thunderous side. Now, onto your deepest desires.”

“I don’t have any.” But Bob may as well have been talking to a wall - a wall which clapped and transported him and Muggles to somewhere hot and tropical. It smelt of strawberries, but all he could see were grapes on the table, sand at his feet, and the ocean swishing around him.

"Perfect, isn't it?" said Zeus. As far as Greek gods went, this one was the first Bob had met. "Why not play a little with the lightning?"

"Excuse me?" said Bob.

"Down there, you see?" Zeus pointed to the ancient Greek cities in the ocean. The water had become a translucent window showing people going about their daily business. "Throw some bolts. Scare them."

"No, no, I couldn't possibly-"

Zeus was the kind of person, it turned out, to take your arm and use it for nefarious purposes. This one being throwing a lightning bolt at innocent citizens and causing them to scream, run around, and drop their shopping.

"Perfect!" Zeus exclaimed. "See how they run like scared ants? Now, time to stick posters of yourself around the cities. People have to know who you are as well as fear you. Best take off those clothes so everyone can see your glory."

Bob heard a siren in the distance, roaring and increasing in volume.

"Damn!" said Zeus. The sun-filled beach faded back to the cracked pavement.

"Bwoof!" Muggles said to the charging police officers.

Zeus ran away, slowly for someone obsessed with lightning.

One of the officers stopped by Bob. "Did that crazy man say anything to you?" they asked.

"Not much," Bob lied.

"Good. We're having a real problem around here with, er, certain people. Watch out for Poseidon. He's a slippery one."

"Right," said Bob.

"Bwoof!"

Down the path and past the patrol cars blocking part of the road, a voice hailed Bob.

"A nautical hello to you," said Poseidon, the slippery one. His long hair was an aquatic blue, and his arms looked like battered fish.

I'm just walking my dog." Bob zoomed past, but a golden rod with three pointed prongs barred his path. Some people would call it a trident; Bob called it an annoyance.

"Don't you think it would be great if the world was one big waterslide?" said Poseidon.

"I think it would be tricky to navigate and to, you know... walk our dogs."

"Well, good news. We're testing it out now." Poseidon leaned his fishy eyes closer to Bob. "Participation is mandatory."

Bob had an impassive face as the roadside transformed and turned into a starless sky in the clouds. He could have screamed, but what would be the point of that?

He looked down and suddenly understood the point of screaming.

His lungs emptied. The earth might as well have been a marble from this height. The waterslide was sure to kill him. He stood on the boundary of death as Poseidon trotted behind him, stinking of an octopus in a blender.

"Happy riding," said the Greek god and shoved Bob.

Bob cried more than screamed. He had always had a problem with slides when he was little. They were like dinosaurs, but metallic and slippery and not extinct.

Muggles seemed to be enjoying himself. His tongue waving, his white fur soaked to black. He barked a happy tune as they slid.

When the slide ended, he and Muggles were back on the sidewalk, dry as a standard human and dog would be.

"Pretty great ride, huh?" said Poseidon.

"Sure, pal," said Bob, forcing a smile. "Whatever floats your boat."

Bob set off, hoping the police would catch these nutjobs.

"Bwoof!" Muggles agreed.

Bob pleaded with whatever sanity remained inside himself and the world. The person up ahead ducked as he walked, even though there was nothing to duck under - he was just that huge. Orange flames engulfed his head. Two horns poked out from the fire, and he waved to Bob.

"Please, no," Bob cried. "I don't want to go to the Underworld."

Hades stopped walking. "The Underworld?" he said. "Why would I take you there? That place is terrible. Anyway, good day to you, my friend."

Bob held his breath as he watched the God of the Underworld stroll past. He breathed out in a pop and fled.

When home, he sunk to the floor. Bob reached out and patted Muggles. "That was an odd day, wasn't it," he said to his wonderfully fluffy dog.

"You're telling me," said Muggles.