Jokes that will make you laugh

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She gave me a hug.

Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.

Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.

My boss told me to have a good day… so I went home.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.

I would avoid the sushi if I were you. It’s a little fishy.

I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me beach pictures.

I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia. She whispered, “They're right behind you…”

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.

What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.

I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English alphabet. I don’t know y.

Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.

I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.

Don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.

I once had a job as a professional cricket impersonator. I was just chirping away.

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking outside the box.

I wanted to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.

I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing.

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite.

My friend keeps trying to annoy me with bird puns, but toucan play at that game.

The rotation of the earth really makes my day.

If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?

Never trust people who do acupuncture. They're back stabbers.

I poured root beer into a square cup. Now I just have beer.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

I'm writing a book on reverse psychology. Please don’t buy it.

I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.

My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?” I said, “No it doesn’t!”

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

I invented a new word! Plagiarism.

Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed a little space.

I told my suitcase there will be no vacation this year. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.

I went to buy some camouflage pants yesterday but couldn’t find any.

I’m so bright my mother calls me son.

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, try swimming with sharks – it costs an arm and a leg.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a dog? Frostbite.

I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.

Have you heard about the corduroy pillow? It’s making headlines.

What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.

I ate a clock yesterday. It was very time-consuming.

I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He replied, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make it on Tuesdays.”

A termite walks into the bar and asks, “Is the bartender here?”

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Why don’t oysters donate to charity? Because they’re shellfish.

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

I told my wife she should do lunges to stay in shape. That was a big step forward.

Why did the chicken go to the seance? To talk to the other side.

I told my friend she was drawing too much attention to herself. She said, “That’s the point of being a highlighter.”

What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta.

I’m terrified of elevators. I’m taking steps to avoid them.

I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn’t find a manual.

My friend got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

Why was the broom late? It swept in.

How do you organize a space party? You planet.

I started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven’t gotten a gig yet.