I Accidentally Joined a Yoga Class… and Somehow Survived

Let me start by saying:

I did NOT mean to do yoga.

I just wanted to sit quietly in an air-conditioned room while waiting for my girlfriend at the gym.

She said, “Just go in there, it’s a relaxing class. They just stretch and breathe.”

She lied.

This wasn’t relaxation. This was spiritual warfare between my body and gravity.

I should’ve known something was off when the instructor walked in barefoot, with the kind of peaceful expression that said she was about to teleport us all to another dimension.

Still, I thought: “How bad could it be? I’ll just lie down, stretch a bit, maybe even nap.”

First pose: Downward Dog.

Now, look. I’m naturally a downward-facing dog when I’m on the couch binge-watching Netflix.

But this? This was elbow-sweating, thigh-trembling terror with my head dangling upside down and all the blood rushing to my brain.

And suddenly, all my thoughts melted into one single, desperate sentence:

“Why am I doing this?”

Second pose: Warrior One.

The name gave me hope. “Warrior! Now we’re talking!”

Then I tried holding the pose.

Turns out my knees are less “warrior,” more “monk begging for mercy.”

And just as I was regretting every life decision, the instructor said something like:

“Feel the tension leaving your body...”

And all I could think was:

“My knees left my body five minutes ago. They moved out. They left a note: Don’t come looking.”

I somehow survived the rest of the class. Though I’m 90% sure the instructor kept side-eyeing me like:

“Is this guy going to dislocate something in Mountain Pose?”

But the real trap came at the end.

She said:

“Now we’ll do Shavasana – corpse pose.”

And I thought: Finally, something I can do!

Lying down? That’s my thing. I’m a professional horizontal human.

I closed my eyes and happily drifted into semi-consciousness…

Until a noise shattered the peace.

Someone had fallen asleep. Loudly.

A hiss, a snore, and then a full-blown snort that I swear cracked the walls of the yoga studio.

Everyone else tried to stay Zen, but I was shaking from holding in my laughter.

While they were achieving enlightenment, I was achieving abdominal cramps from trying not to wheeze.

After class, the instructor came over to me, still smiling.

– “First time?” she asked kindly.

– “That obvious?” I replied.

– “A little,” she giggled. “But you did great!”

She lied. Again.

It’s been a few weeks now… and guess what?

I went back.

Not because I loved it. But because now I’m determined to win.

The Warrior Pose still wobbles.

But yesterday, I only almost fell twice instead of three times. Progress.

Sometimes the instructor looks at me and nods, and I feel like I just passed some kind of ninja trial.

The lesson?

Never trust someone who says:

“Yoga is just breathing and stretching.”

They’re lying. Yoga is a slow-burn prank your body plays on your ego.

But if you like a challenge…

If you’re okay with feeling both powerless and proud at the same time…

You just might keep going back.

And who knows?

Maybe one day, Downward Dog won’t feel like torture anymore.

Maybe one day… it’ll feel like victory.

(Just not today. Maybe tomorrow.)