How To Curse Someone (With High Efficacy)

In life, you are bound to encounter people who don’t like you from time to time if you live past a certain age. We all have different personalities and values - and these do not always mesh well with each other.

Usually, the best way to deal with people that you dislike is to simply distance yourself from them as much as possible without making a huge ruckus. After all, chances are that they aren’t evil incarnate no matter how unpleasant they personally seem to you.

But what if they truly are horrid or significantly target you? Do you wallow in your own tears? Angrily confront them? Expose them to their social circles’ or worse yet, the Internet’s wrath? Commit crimes, even?

Well, you could try most of these things except for crimes depending on the scenario. However, sometimes mundane means just don’t work for whatever reason. Maybe you’re the target of a powerful perpetrator. Perhaps you do not have the resources to retaliate. Regardless of what it is, it’s often easy to feel hopeless in these cases.

Fear not, though. There is one field of study you can draw techniques from if you’ve run out of mundane solutions: magical curses. Proven to be 420% effective by Science™, this ancient art is a powerful tool. Yes, this very article will go over how to hex someone into a state of despair and misery.

Determine If A Curse Is Truly Worthwhile

First of all: is a jinx on whoever’s occupying your negative thoughts really necessary?

If you’re reading this piece, the answer to this is probably yes. After all, they’re almost certainly the spawn of Satan/a demon/an evil fairy sent to torment your dreams. Their innate nature is purely vile; their heart, more rotten than an expired apple’s core.

When you dislike someone to the point that you’re feeling some sort of distress thinking about them, they must always be the problem. Even if you attempted to steal all of their household belongings multiple times, it wasn’t your fault when they didn’t bother to make their place completely bulletproof against your state-of-the-art rifles instead of just locking all their doors.

You are the center of the universe. Your life, your rules. Don’t ever let anyone - not even your friends and family of reason - try to take that away from you.

An eye for an eye is how the universe should run. Sanity? Empathy? I’m sorry (not sorry), what are those foreign concepts?

Splurge All Your Money

Despite what some works of fiction and a few real people might try to tell you, curses just don’t work with simple words and basic household supplies or wands. No.

To effectively curse someone, you must have the fanciest, most extravagant casting setup to ever exist. Your crystals must be the finest and purest minerals - regardless of where they come from. Your decorations should give off as gothic an aesthetic as you can find while also being excessively multilayered. And the essential oils? They need to be 840 percent natural.

In case you’re wondering if this is expensive: yes, it is. You will probably end up splurging hundreds - if not tens of thousands - of dollars of your hard earned money to create even just a passable looking altar. But look at it this way: soon, your terrible opponent will be miserable and hopeless forever. Isn’t that wonderful?

Curse Your Target

Now that you’ve spent a large portion of your money that you will likely take a while to earn back on aesthetically pleasing supplies to enhance your casting experience, it’s time to curse your target.

Think about what they deserve. Should they have their multi-day group project at work go wrong? Be aggressively dumped by a romantic partner? Lose an entire support network of friends and/or family? Heck, even be hurt by things that I fear the admins will get me in trouble for if I directly mention them?

It’s up to you, really. After all, they’re nothing but a pathetic, steaming pile of garbage. Whatever happens, happens.

Wait And See

If you’ve done all of these steps correctly, your spell should work. Your target should be crying their eyes out because of their life being in shambles. Just remember to have patience, though. It won’t come true in a day.

Oh, and if it doesn’t? Well, you have clearly not followed my steps properly. Reread them and try again. There is no possibility that curses are not scientifically proven when my friend of a friend of a friend says so. Nuh uh.

…

If you’ve successfully managed to curse someone after following the steps outlined in this article, congratulations! You are now an elite spellcaster immune from any and all Earthly harm. Nothing could possibly go wrong for the rest of your life!

Any other thoughts on this? Let me know in the comments!

*On a serious note, please do not attempt this in real life. This piece is only meant to be satire. If you feel like this is actually good advice, I’d strongly encourage you to seek the help of a mental health professional should you have the resources for one.

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