How to Accidentally Annoy Everyone You Love

If you’ve ever wondered how to accidentally annoy every single person you care about without meaning to, congratulations — you’re a human being. This is my specialty, though I assure you, it’s not intentional.

It all began on a Saturday morning when I decided to “help” my family. A mistake, in retrospect.

Step One: Give Unsolicited Advice to People Who Didn’t Ask

My sister Emily was baking cookies for her book club, and I — a person who has never successfully baked anything that didn’t double as a hockey puck — thought I’d offer guidance.

“You should sift the flour first,” I said, leaning over the counter.

“I am sifting the flour,” she said without looking at me.

“Right, but you’re doing it wrong.”

At that exact moment, the fine mist of flour she was sifting poofed directly into my face, and I sneezed so hard I nearly fell into the mixing bowl. She calmly handed me a paper towel and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like, “Please go away.”

I thought I’d “give her space” by loudly humming Eye of the Tiger in the living room.

Step Two: “Improve” Someone’s Work Without Asking

My friend Ben is a graphic designer, and he sent me a poster draft for feedback. I thought it would be helpful to open it in Paint and “fix” it myself before sending it back.

I changed the font from his carefully chosen modern sans-serif to Comic Sans, because “it felt more friendly.” I also replaced his sleek black-and-white photo with a clip-art dolphin “to add whimsy.”

He called me five minutes later.

“Did you… touch my design?”

“Yes! I made it better!”

There was a long silence, then a sigh so heavy I swear I heard it echo.

Step Three: Share “Funny” Stories About People… in Front of the Wrong Crowd

That night, I went to dinner at my parents’ house, where my Aunt Claire was meeting my boyfriend for the first time. I thought I’d break the ice with a story about how Claire once accidentally texted a love confession to her plumber.

Everyone laughed — except Claire, who said in a voice that could freeze soup, “That story was private.”

In my defense, she had told the story at Christmas. In her defense, Christmas had been after several glasses of wine and in a room of people she trusted.

Step Four: Attempt to “Help” in the Kitchen

After dinner, I volunteered to do the dishes. By “do the dishes,” I mean “load the dishwasher in a way that made my mother audibly gasp.”

“You can’t put the big plates like that,” she said, moving them.

“Oh, sure I can,” I said, moving them back.

“I’ve been loading dishwashers for forty years—”

“And I’ve been alive for thirty-two years, so, y’know… experience.”

She shooed me out of the kitchen. I felt like a rejected contestant on Top Dishwasher.

Step Five: Misjudge the Group Chat Tone

Later that night, my family group chat started buzzing. My cousin shared an engagement photo, and everyone responded with hearts and “congratulations.”

I, ever the comedian, replied with:

“Wow, I give it six months! 😂”

This was meant as a joke. Unfortunately, my phone autocorrected the laughing emoji into a skull emoji — so it read like:

“Wow, I give it six months 💀”

I spent the next twenty minutes clarifying I wasn’t making a death threat against their marriage.

Step Six: Offer “Constructive Criticism” at the Wrong Moment

On Sunday morning, my roommate was practicing guitar. She asked if it sounded okay.

“It’s great,” I said, “but you might be slightly off-key.”

Her eyes narrowed. “Slightly?”

“I mean… charmingly off-key. Like a… folk-punk aesthetic?”

She didn’t say anything, but later I found my headphones mysteriously missing.

By Sunday night, I’d managed to:

Annoy my sister

Offend my designer friend

Embarrass my aunt

Upset my mom

Alarm my cousin

Irritate my roommate

Which, if you think about it, is almost impressive.

Moral of the story:

If you truly love someone, sometimes the best way to show it… is to leave them alone for a bit. Or at least not replace their elegant designs with clip-art dolphins.

Still, I’m optimistic. Annoyance fades, cookies get eaten, and even a Comic Sans dolphin can find its place in the world.

Until next weekend.