How Government Spending Works… Without Numbers

Welcome to the magical land of government spending, where math is a myth, accountability is an endangered species, and the national debt is just a number we chant before sacrificing logic to the gods of lobbying. If you've ever wondered how your tax dollars are used, abused, or lost behind a vending machine at the Pentagon, then this guide is for you!

Let’s take a journey through the fiscal funhouse. But don’t worry... no math required. In fact, we’ve had it removed for your emotional safety.

“The budget really isn’t that bad... if you don’t look at it.”

— Official Treasury Excerpt from minutes... 2025

🧠 Chapter One: IQ of a Corndog

Government spending begins with a highly selective process: assembling a panel of experts with the combined critical thinking skills, of a gas station air pump. These brilliant minds; handpicked from the nation’s least attended committee meetings, gather once a year to decide how to divvy up trillions of dollars while mispronouncing “deficit.”

Their credentials include:

• Once balancing a checkbook in 1987, with help from their public high school attending child.
• Watching Moneyball... twice.
• Referring to calculators as “digital sorcery”

They stare at bar graphs like Neanderthals discovering fire, eventually declaring that numbers are “elitist” and moving on to more important matters. Like approving $3 million for a recreational zipline over the Senate koi pond.

Quote of the week: “We’re not broke, we’re just financially misunderstood.” — Guy who thought ‘APR’ meant ‘Annual Party Refund’

💸 Chapter Two: Circulation Pond of Wee-Wee

Ah yes. The tried-and-true golden shower of fiscal philosophy: Trickle-Down Economics™. Here’s how it works:

Give $50 billion to billionaires... Wait... Hope they accidentally drop some change into a preschool lunch fund and call it “wealth distribution.” It’s the economic version of pouring champagne into a funnel and waiting for the bottom glass to get something... even if it’s just drooly backwash.

“We’re stimulating the economy!” — Guy urinating off the balcony of his yacht.(ever wonder why it's called a Golden Parachute?)

Spoiler alert: what’s trickling down isn’t capital. It’s suspiciously warm, yellow, and smells like despair with a hint of student debt.

🧾 Chapter Three: Math—The Real Enemy

Recently, a bipartisan commission declared that math was too stressful and officially replaced it with emotional storytelling through interpretive dance, and pie charts made of actual pie.

“The deficit is subjective if you say it with confidence.” — Senator who owns six jet skis and an emotional support goose.

Instead of spreadsheets, budgets are now submitted as Spotify playlists. ("This fiscal year is giving ‘lo-fi beats to cry to’ vibes.") Testimony to Congress has been replaced with PowerPoint slides that "Align your Chakras" more than facts, like:

• “Positivity isn't just for feelings”
• “We Feel Okay About This Number”
• “Let’s Not Get Hung Up on Details”
• “This Chart is Mostly Red, but... in a Chill Way”

The national budget is now technically a Google Doc with 86 unresolved comments and a mysterious deleted section titled “Military Slush Fund (Do Not Open).”

🪙 Chapter Four: Understanding the National Debt Using Sandwiches

Imagine you have a sandwich. Now imagine you owe $34 trillion worth of sandwiches to people you’ve never met. Some of whom might be imaginary, but are still charging interest. One day, a group of “Elitist Entrepreneurs” shows up with a Magical Sandwich Making Machine. It’s like mana from fiscal heaven! This… this could be your salvation. After all, at your current sandwich-making pace, you'll still be in debt well past the Rapture. Possibly even into the sequel... You’re allowed to use the machine, but—catch incoming!... for every sandwich it makes, you now owe the EEs a bag of chips. Probably kettle-cooked. Probably artisanal.

But instead of paying off the sandwich debt or the mounting chip interest, you do what any responsible governing body would:

• Start handing out sandwiches to family, friends, and that one weird uncle who still sends you fruitcake at Christmas.
• Drop millions of sandwiches into a sewer and write it off as “shrinkage.”
• Borrow money from other countries who are somehow willing to pay you ten times the cost of one sandwich, just because your sandwich looks vaguely confident.

And you know what? If you're going down in flames, you might as well do it in a bread-fueled blaze of glory. We’re not saying the debt is out of control... we’re just saying if it were a person, it could bench-press your GDP and still have room for dessert.

“We’re not defaulting... we’re delivering value, one soggy sandwich at a time.” — Spokesperson for the National Lunch Reserve

🏗️ Chapter Five: Projects That Make No Fiscal Sense But Got Approved Anyway

If you've ever thought, "Surely they wouldn't waste our money on THAT," you’ve underestimated the power of federal grant season. Here’s a highlight reel of your tax dollars in action:

• $6 million to study whether lizards can learn jazz
• $12 million for a bridge connecting two towns that hate each other
• $2.1 million to install ergonomic chairs in cow pastures
• $8 million to fund a documentary on “The Economic Impact of Moon Dust”

“This isn’t pork-barrel spending. It’s artisanal, grass-fed appropriation.” — Congressional Chef

Meanwhile, your local public school is holding a bake sale to afford pencils. Maybe even paper if there are enough brownies left over...

🧃 Chapter Six: The Budget Process, in Quotes

The beauty of government spending is that no one actually understands it, including those in charge. But they do love to comment on it. Here are some real-ish quotes from very fake people:

“We believe the budget will balance itself out... eventually. Maybe. In a parallel universe.” — The Office of Shrugging and Hope

“Sure, the defense budget is big, but have you seen the size of the world?” — A General, flexing near a map

“Our strategy is to outspend the problem until it becomes someone else’s administration.” — Every president since 1974

“This year’s budget includes a record investment in things that sound good when said out loud.” — Press Secretary with a Masters in Clogging

🤡 Final Thoughts: Where Did All the Money Go?

If you’re feeling confused, broke, or like you’re trapped in a financial escape room built by raccoons—welcome. That means it’s working as intended. Because here’s the truth no politician will say:

Government spending doesn’t have to make sense. It just has to happen loud enough to look like progress. And if you dare to ask questions? They’ll just mumble something about “national security,” throw glitter at a pie chart, and hold a ribbon-cutting ceremony for a brand-new Department of Budgetary Interpretive Dance.

🫡 TL;DR:

The budget is fine, if you don’t look at it. And if you do? That’s a YOU problem...