HOT ONES

Hi sweetie,

Gotta tell you something funny before I forget. Joan and I watch a TV show called “Hot Ones”.

I think the channel is AXS. The host invites various people to sit at a table and discuss their careers. (Dave Grohl and Scarlet Johansen for example.

The guests are required to eat hot wings while they talk about their careers. They have a row of 7 or 8 bottles of various hot sauces in front of the host and the celebrity. They range from hardly any heat at all, to 2,000,000 Scoville units. I think that’s the proper term for the measurement for spicy heat.

Anyway, they had Stone Cold Steve Austin on the show, and he was fixin’ to eat a chicken wing covered in a hot sauce called- Da Bomb. It’s only 135,000 Scoville units. It’s a simple mixture of habanero and smoky chipotle chili peppers. However, it is so unbearably hot that they must have emptied several canisters of pepper spray into it .

Half the people that ate that hot sauce rolled around on the floor begging for mercy.

I bought a bottle of that stuff a while back. I haven’t tasted any for maybe 6 months or so.

I kinda forgot how hot it could be. Then I saw Stone Cold Steve Austin, and I thought to myself, self, you’re more of a man than Stone Cold Steve Austin, ………….well, on the inside.

I could eat that. I can eat this stuff and show Joan what a He-man she married.

So, I barely batted an eyelash, because I used it before. I am still alive up to now because of my extreme masculinity, you know .

I love to “show up” big strong men up, for the little Casper Milquetoast’s that they really are inside.

I went and got me a couple of slices of ham and my bottle of Da Bomb. I shook the bottle vigorously, but when I unscrewed the top, I noticed that some of the sauce had formed a more solid area clinging to the top of the opening. I got a skinny handle spoon and stuck it down in there and stirred that down into the sauce and stirred the bottom of the jar just in case any of the ingredients had settled to the bottom. In other words I wanted consistency in what came out of that bottle.

When I was done stirring, I pulled the handle of the spoon out and I looked at it and I thought why don’t I just wipe the handle of the spoon off on the ham and see what happens when I eat it.

(Anytime your life you think, why don’t we just roll the dice and see what happens, don’t do that. For the love of God hear me now and believe me later, just ……………..DON’T DO IT !)

What happened next was one of the most horrific things that you can imagine. I actually didn’t put a small teensy weensy amount on my ham, as the bottle recommends. It turned out that I slathered the ham with a quite generous amount of the hot sauce. There was a lot more there than I had planned on, and more than I ever had before.

But what the heck, I am “such a man”, right? (Have you noticed how I have to keep reassuring myself about that ! ! )

The bottle says use just one drop. I spread it on like mayonnaise.

I can take it. Stone Cold Steve Austin, kiss my foot. ! ! ! !

I felt privileged to be sharing a hot sauce eating competition with a celebrity, but I was sure I could show him up. So he took a bite of his chicken wing that had been slathered with the same hot sauce that I was eating. Except I was eating it with ham instead of a chicken wing. He started choking and whining about how hot it was like a little baby, just as soon as he put it in his mouth. I didn’t start whining for a good 5 seconds.

It felt like fire ants were eating my mouth, and they all had blow torches. Don’t ever swallow. When you swallow something this hot, you’re painting even more taste buds with molten rock.

You are kind of screwed at this point. If you spit it out, everyone will call you a Nancy boy who couldn’t take it. You can’t leave it in your mouth forever. There is no other option than to swallow. Only than, can your taste buds begin to heal from this Satan excrement.

After swallowing, you can do what works just a little bit. Go stick your mouth under the faucet and just let cold water go running your mouth continuously for about an hour.

If you don’t do this, you will feel like your head is going to explode and you’re about to go blind.

If you’ve convinced yourself that you ready for this punishment, perhaps you should talk to your subconscious mind about your probable knee-jerk reaction. You’re gonna run around the house begging for your Mommy. There’s only one thing is going to save you from the torture of what you just put your mouth. The only thing that can save you is………… TIME.

You’re going to be in mortal pain for at least an hour. After that, the agony will calm down to a dull roar.

I don’t know who won the competition between me and Steve Austin. I went blind and my whole head burned so bad, I didn’t give a crap who did better. I went blind and deaf just before passing out . I think I’m going to live, but with all the screaming and crying and thrashing around on the floor, I went unconscious. My wife had to give me mouth to mouth because she thought I went code blue. Now, she has hot sauce mouth too.

After I ate my hot sauce on ham and swallowed it, I made a mistake. I wiped my mouth and hands on my handkerchief in a desperate attempt to get the hot sauce off of me.

Later I was watching TV and somebody’s puppy got run over by a car, or something. Okay, I started to cry a little bit. So naturally I want to wipe my eyes and my nose with my handkerchief.

All of a sudden it was as though somebody sprayed my right eye with pepper spray. I went blind in my right eye, again ! ! !

I managed to get to the kitchen sink without falling and killing myself. I proceeded to rinse off my fingers and rub my eyelashes in order to get my sight back on my right eye.

Apparently hot sauce has capsicum oil, and oil doesn’t simply rinse off. You have to use a surfactant like SOAP. I became painfully aware of this when I spread hot sauce to both eyes. I began to put soap in there, just as both of my eyes began bursting into flames.

That’s right, now both eyes are on fire with the hottest hot sauce on the planet and I get to wash my eyes out with soap. Yippee.

I’d like to see Stone Cold Steve Austin rub hot sauce into his eyes, and than pour detergent there too. I bet he couldn’t take it. He’s probably a pantywaist.

Well, through extensive crying and moaning, I washed my eyes out many times with soap and gradually my eyesight began to return. I saved $50 not going to the ER. …………….SCORE.

Funny thing though, later after all the pain and trauma subsided, everything in my vision was so clear and well-focused. I think I’m going to recommend that everybody squirt Da Bomb into their eyes.

Yes, this will get the blood circulating and improve everyone’s eyesight . Perhaps I should patent this . Come on , try it– what are you, a woman or a mouse?

Well, I must go, you sweet darling lovable human you . You know how much I love you. Look both ways before you cross the street.. How am I going to hug the crap out of you if you’re flattened by a steamroller.

Love Jim