Horoscopes for March

First Quarter

Aquarius: You’ll be headhunted for a job at NASA, they’re looking for a new Chief Sanitation Engineer

Pisces: This quarter you’ll resurrect the old sport Fox Tossing. As a means to please the alternative crowd, you’ll substitute the fox for a midget

Aries: You’ll come into money this quarter as you hold up a bank with a pair of yo-yos

Taurus: This quarter sees the launch of your daring new cookbook ‘Making Meals in a Jiffy’ which will find success in the Superhero market

Gemini: Your fantasy baseball dreams come true this quarter as you get drafted by the LA Angels to manage the team’s trading and drafting efforts. Your decision to draft from the other big 4 teams will see the Angels win the FIFA World Cup

Cancer: Grab your spandex and boots as you enter the Square Circle this quarter as you begin the road to Wrestlemania as Honest Abe the Lincoln Logger.

Leo: You will win the Pulitzer this quarter with an Exposé on how fake Olympic Gold Medals are. Rather than solid gold, turns out they are just giant chocolate buttons.

Virgo: You’ll be given applause this quarter for your choice to replace the instruments of your local philharmonic orchestra with typewriters.

Libra: Inspired by Samuel German, you’ll bake a unique cake and name it after yourself. However, no one is wanting to eat a cake named ‘Schitt Cake’

Scorpio: You’ll be feeling ghosted this quarter as you end up being the Third Man to a Nepalese monk

Sagittarius: Being the thrill seeker you are, you’ll spend this quarter chasing storms around the world until an F3 tornado in Kansas puts your VW van through the window of the Governor’s mansion

Capricorn: In a bid to become the record holder for reciting the numbers of Pi you stop counting numbers after 10 and start naming types of Pie

Second Quarter

Aquarius: You’ll discover the lost Library of Alexandria this quarter in the beer garden of your local pub. Inside you’ll only have access to King Tut’s “adult periodicals” as you don’t have a library card

Pisces: Inspired by Da Vinci’s Codex Leicester, you’ll pen the mighty Codex Reading. It’ll be sold for £3.50 in Liverpudlian petrol stations as a joke book

Aries: Let see….pensions….money laundering…..ah here it is. You will enter the Guinness Book of World Records this quarter as you manage to dig a hole 41000 feet deep. Unfortunately you’ll be squashed into a marble under the pressure of over 18000 psi. Your boss will still ask you to come in to work

Taurus: Inspired by the US in WW2, you’ll build a bomb filled with live bees instead of bats. Your choice of target however will be brought into question, I know a lot of people don’t like morris dancers but that’s a bit overkill

Gemini: Determined to prove science wrong, you’ll develop the means to move planets. As you line the planets Mercury to Neptune between the Earth and the Moon. You realise you were wrong, and completely bugger up Earth’s ecosystem in the process

Cancer: Don your trench coat and fedora this quarter as you set out to find the 6 lost Nuclear Weapons of the US. I recommend blind Geoff’s garage, he’s got all sorts in there

Leo: This quarter you’ll end up being chased out of Pennsylvania as you accidentally put out the fire that’s been burning since 1962

Virgo: Inspired by lemurs you’ll become the new drug kingpin when you sell ground up millipedes to the addicts in your neighbourhood

Libra: You’ll shock the world this quarter with your own Calendar with only 10 months, making each week 9 days long. I recommend the last five days of the year become a Purge Week, get all that aggression out in one spectacular blowout. As for the extra days of the week, may I suggest Jupiday and Aphrodiday?

Scorpio: Your friend Lupus from school will pay a visit this week , and he’s brought his mum Norma with him. You’ll find it creepy and disturbing just how close they are. You’ll not want to look at them too much but you’re too nosey not to see how far it goes. Beware, Norma sounds like a silverback gorilla if you know what I mean

Sagittarius: Venus slips into your sector this quarter and Mars follows close behind, ripping you a new one. Avoid any spicy food for the next couple of weeks as you recover. On a positive note your Japanese Knotweed plants are starting to sprout

Capricorn: Mercury is having a barmy with the Sun this quarter, it’s over who had the last slice of cake at the office party. This will escalate into a full on rumble when Saturn gets involved

Third Quarter

Aquarius: This quarter will see you trying to give the Twinky an eternal shelf life having discovered they only have a shelf life of 45 days. The results will be announced a war crime

Pisces: Being the vexing vexillologist that you are, your quarter will be spent redesigning the flag for Belize. I don’t think they’ll accept your first idea to base the flag on the road sign for Schitt’s Creek

Aries: This quarter sees you recreate the battle of Stalingrad using shoeboxes, bananas, and spoons.

Taurus: You’ll spend this quarter developing a biofuel from beetroot. You will be pulled over when by the police when they spot your Dodge Viper belching clouds of red smoke

Gemini: A much loved celebrity will crash land in your garden after a disastrous attempt to sky dive sees them leaping out of the plane with a bin bag as a parachute. You will help them recover with your McGyver skills when you turn them into a bionic person with nothing more than a blender, 3 balls of wool and a baked potato

Cancer: Green thumbs are in your future, as a mishap with a bottle of Gatorade and a daffodil leaves your thumbs a nice shade of viridian

Leo: Time to prove you are King of the Urban Jungle by challenging your local government to a sumo wrestling match at your nearest supermarket. I recommend eating nothing but bacon and sprouts until the event

Virgo: There’s a bounty on your head this quarter as the library have taken action to recover the book you borrow in 2006. Look out for men with long blonde hair, shades and a beard, and a little old lady named Mavis from three streets away

Libra: Makemake is in your house this quarter but don’t worry, once they’ve raided your liquor cabinet they’ll be out of your hair. A market stall holder will offer you a good price on a “genuine” Persian rug, I think you can haggle him further as the Made in China label is clearly visible

Scorpio: The moon lights up your sphere this quarter causing a momentary moment of blindness, you’ll come to in the middle of the Sahara Desert with nothing more than half a bottle of vodka, a bag of Werthers Originals and spoon. You’ve got this, you’re a survival expert after all

Sagittarius: There’s an empty void within you this quarter but don’t worry, a blend of prune juice, baked beans, and aviation fuel will clear than right up.

Capricorn: A mince pie from Christmas will have you re-living one of your past lives. You’ll spend the quartee as a monk from the 1920s who secretly operates a Speakeasy in the Cloister right under the Abbots nose. I’ll have a Rob Roy

Fourth Quarter

Pisces: Music floods your life this quarter as you succumb to the blended mix of Megadeth, Jean-Michael Jarre, United, and Rogers & Hammersmith leads you to pen the ultimate musical, The 7 Brides for the 7 Samurai meet The Pirates of Planet Oxygène

Aries: A pub crawl this quarter will lead you to wake up on a car shaped like a Viking Longboat with 12 guys named Olaf.

Taurus: This quarter you’ll become the director for a live action Peanuts tv show on Netflix. You’ll redefine Charlie Brown as a middle aged heroine addict, constantly trying to free the world from the evil Overlord Snoop-E.

Gemini: This quarter sees you create your own secret society with dreams of embedding your order within the top echelons of society. I have no idea what you plan to do with that collection of a frozen turkey, lace apron, blindfold and feather duster

Cancer: Treat yourself to a holiday. I hear the moon of Phobos is nice this time of year, or maybe a trip to Venus? I hear the views are to die for

Leo: Spend this quarter checking off your bucket list. See the pyramids, walk along the Great Wall, but why do you want to sniff Eric Pickles underwear?

Virgo: Conscription is in force this quarter as you get drafted into the Swiss Guard version of the A-Team. What can you do with a bag of pasta, cheese fondue, and a Fiat Cinquecento?

Libra: Don your Afro wig and grab your paint brush as you get commissioned to paint an epic portrait of Donald Trump. Remember that episode of the Simpsons where Marge paints a portrait for Mr Burns?

Scorpio: Congratulations! You’re a wizard. Unfortunately your acceptance letter is for the Unseen University. I’d check with your local travel agent to see if there are any flights to Ankh-Morpork

Sagittarius: Between the time when the oceans drank Atlantis and the rise of the sons of Aryas, there was an age undreamed of. You’ve picked an interesting subject for your PHD thesis

Capricorn: You’re moving house this quarter, and next quarter given your new home is a converted B-17 Flying Fortress

Aquarius: In a bid to save energy this quarter, you’ll resort to burning your bottles of olive oil and vegetable oil in your old oil lamps. I wouldn’t recommend it as your house will smell like an old fish & chip shop. The quarter will take an odd turn when you come across a fortune teller who uses old cooking lard