Horoscopes for January

1st Quarter

Sagittarius: Jingle Bells Batman Smells…Wait are you not the guy I’m supposed to see about the bootleg bibles for the church? Keep your eyes peeled this week for men from the Vatican, maybe set up some claymores and a punji trap

Capricorn: With the holiday period over, now is a good time to get that Christmas Number One recorded, I recommend calling it “I’m wrapping your presents with corduroy”

Aquarius: Your local Army Surplus store is selling Christmas tree ghillie suits, stock up for next Christmas as they’re great for sniping those pesky Carollers. Look forward to February when they’ll be selling Cupid’s crossbows, a must have for anyone looking to snuff out any unwanted cherubs

Pisces: This quarter will see a relative gift you a Kirov Cruiser for as a late Xmas present, perfect for your dreams of being a pirate. I recommend recruiting a crew from Penzance, Cornwall is known for its pirates

Aries: Your luck hits is peak this quarter with Jupiter hanging out in your neighbourhood, this leads you to develop time travel. The only problem is you will need to buy an Austin Allegro, for whatever reason your time machine needs a square steering wheel

Taurus: You’ll see a change of career this quarter as you are scouted to fill the position of Head Coach for the Lubbock Loyals Hockey Team, be warned they do not have an ice rink to practice on, just an old baseball field. I’d try to convert them to baseball if I were you

Gemini: You’ll feel the need this quarter, the need for speed. But rather than try to become a fast jet pilot, you’ll watch the Battle of Britain on repeat this weekend.

Cancer: Your local news will try to scare you this quarter by making you think Martians are invading, this is just a form of targeted advertising as you’ll be the only one trying to fortify their house. Just tell your neighbours its Y2K, they’ll understand

Leo: Do you like roller skating? I hope so, you’re going to be spending this quarter playing Rollerball, yes that Rollerball.

Virgo: Surprise your family this quarter with a visit to your local police station and let them watch you pay your unpaid parking tickets. I recommend wearing an imperial Aquila around your neck, the desk sergeant will give you a 25% discount

Libra: Dragons and lots of ‘em. Stock up on asbestos underpants and liquorice. Dragons love liquorice

Scorpio: Egypt. That’s all the stars say. I’ll check the Crystal Ball…..It says Egypt too. I think you might want to plan a trip to Egypt, maybe to see your mummy

2nd Quarter

Sagittarius: By the Power of Greyskull! You have the power, to change your energy supplier this quarter. Be a master of your universe and switch to Eternian Energy today

Capricorn: Lethargy is your friend this quarter as your lack of energy results in you making and selling your own brand of energy drink, made from a blend of triple espresso, sherbet, pure Colombian “magic dust” and high octane aviation fuel. For the love of all that is holy make sure to put a warning label on the can

Aquarius: A debate over Madonna’s debut single at your local pub this quarter will see you arguing with Girl Scouts about the philosophical nature of cheese. One curse word and a lot of crying will see you in A&E with a broken rib and a black eye. Next time look for their self-defence patches before insulting their troop.

Pisces: Pisces gets a holy trinity visit this quarter with the Moon, Jupiter and Saturn hanging out in your neighbourhood. Do not try to play basketball with them as it’s Jupiter’s ball and he’s a sore loser. In other news, watch out for the newspaper delivery boy. Open your door at the wrong time and the paper will land right in your breadbasket

Aries: With Pisces stealing your power this quarter I recommend hitting them in the face with a shovel. No one steals anything from you. On a political note, congratulations. You’ve just been elected president of the Bowls Club at the premier bowls club in Ouagadougou

Taurus: Your need to own and drive an electric car sees you installing a small nuclear reactor into your Oldsmobile Cutlass. I recommend calling it Chernobyl

Gemini: You will spend this quarter celebrating the discovery of Saturn’s moon Epimetheus

Cancer: Disappointment comes your way this quarter as your local circus tells you that you are over qualified to be a circus clowz. The Ringmaster suggests something more exotic like becoming a prostitute or an accountant. I’d recommend the latter, you’ll get way less funny looks and a lot more visits from the police.

Leo: This quarter justice is on your side as you successfully arrest Sting and his former bandmates for impersonating the Police. They will however be let off with a warning.

Virgo: Your local theatre group are not interested in your Deepthroat Christmas Pantomime, no matter how many times you say that Glenn Close is willing to play Linda Lovelace. The BBC however are interested in turning your short story ”Curious George and the Electric Fence” into a Christmas film.

Libra: This quarter is perfect to do all your Xmas shopping for next Christmas, so long as it’s between 2:17 and 4:45 am on Thursday

Scorpio: Your phone is due an upgrade this quarter and your phone company is wondering if you’re willing to go for the Neural NX-1. All the benefits of a smartphone but its in your brain, Candy Crush will never be the same again

3rd Quarter

Capricorn: As typical with Capricorns, you will spend this quarter trying to get ahead of everyone else. This behaviour will not only see you filing next year’s taxes but you will find a litter of newborn weasels on your bedroom floor, which is alarming seeing as you don’t own a weasel

Aquarius: Saturn is in transit through your space this quarter which means that time will quite literally fly as Saturn practices his Skeet Shooting with all your clocks. As we prepare for the new year I recommend investing in lucky underwear; my mate Broughty Ferry Bob can get you 100 pairs for a fiver

Pisces: A spark of creativity finds you this quarter as you set out to launch your own brand of wristwatches. Your decision to make them insult their wearer instead of telling the time might not be the greatest idea, a great present for Simon Cowell however

Aries: Under Jupiter’s influence this quarter you will pen a mighty suite of orchestral majesty. Naysayers will critique your choice to base it on marketing slogans from the 80s and 90s but it will receive high praise by Classic FM

Taurus: The Moon is in your sphere this quarter, perfect for surfing the lava flows of Iceland. An unexpected visit from your local vicar sparks a debate over which is better, Organised Religion or Organised Crime. A consensus will be reached when both parties agree that Scandinavian Fondue Wrestling is superior to both

Cancer: Physics is not your friend this quarter as events that you believe have transpired will not have happened to anyone else in your home. Like a 10lb kidney stone, this too will past. By the way you might want to get checked for kidney stones, just in case. Be sure to wear a lavender shirt on Thursday, not for any special reason other than you look good in lavender

Leo: Leo’s house is empty this quarter. This will lead Leo to pick fights with Cancer & Virgo. It will soon end when Taurus steps in and parts Leo’s knackers with their foot. On a side note watch out for the Harlem Globetrotters as they showboat their way to victory over a Paralympic team. I suggest you egg their tour bus

Libra: Venus is rising this quarter, do not be tempted to peek as it will result in a slap to the face and a restraining order. You will spend this quarter painting multiple still life portraits of your neighbours cat netting you a tidy sum of Chinese Yuan.

Scorpio: With Mars ascending this quarter you’ll become an evil supervillain by the name of Professor Captain Nuclear Jester, make sure to have an army of evil underlings to do the grunt work, you know clean the lair, polish the warheads, flay the intruders and file paperwork. Try to remember that religions get tax exemption, make sure your underlings worship you once in a while

Sagittarius: As the new year is now underway you might want to use this chance to look for a new job. If you know any Scorpio you can ask them for a job in their new evil enterprise. This week is not a week to wear tartan/plaid shirts as lumberjacks protest the decision to stop them wearing stockings & suspenders under their clothes.

4th Quarter

Capricorn: Science and the pursuit of knowledge are in your house this quarter as you grab your trusty microscope and try to wrestle a bald eagle under the lens. It’s a good thing claw marks and eagle feathers are considered good luck somewhere in the world. The sun is in your neck of the woods this week giving you a lot of bright ideas

Aquarius: Saturn is in your house this quarter, liberating you from any wealth you may have. The new year brings new opportunities to boot unwelcome visitors from your home, I recommend watching the first two Home Alone movies for ideas.

Pisces: Neptune dominates your life this quarter by stealing your TV and collection of Ringo Starr’s underpants. Avoid wearing red when visiting the butcher’s shop this week as they have a visiting bull known as El Viento Roto, your lucky number for the week is Pi

Aries: Aries is visited by Eros and Chiron this quarter as they tag along with your in-laws. Prepare for the worst by stocking up on loo roll, milk of magnesia, and magazines. Eros brought their signature 17 Bean Tequila Trifle with them and they’re pretty damn sure you’re having a plate full

Taurus: Uranus and Jupiter duke it out in your neighbourhood for bragging rights, I’d put my money on Jupiter because of his Dragonwing Body Slam but Uranus will make it difficult with his Charging Bison Gutbuster. If you get there first you can make a killing selling souvenirs

Gemini: This year is a great year to get a dog, allowing you to indulge your Scooby Doo fantasies. I know a guy who is selling a second hand VW T2 Transporter

Cancer: The moon isn’t in house this quarter but don’t worry you can still make the New Year Pot-Luck at your local bingo hall. Don’t repeat last year with the potato salad, no one wants potato salad. The duck egg mayonnaise is your key to being the spring-dance queen.

Leo: Leo is pimping your ride this quarter, this is the only time an Austin Allegro will ever look cool. For new year I recommend going from town to town telling the tales of Star Wars in a Shakespearean fashion

Virgo: With the moon in your zone you might want to try and get the ball downfield or you risk losing the match. If only you weren’t using the San Diego Chargers’ back up team which consists of mainly hobos and drunks. Remember to get your wide receivers to run their routes and get your running backs to fake their runs, it’s the only way to beat the Wisconsin Women’s Institute.

Libra: Makemake is making a lot of turbulence as it passes through on its way to the In Cider festival. Batten down the hatches and secure the rigging. You might also want to don your wet weather gear, in case it rains. Aquamarine is the colour of choice this week, but avoid wearing Pine Green. Hotdogs will be your friends

Scorpio: Haumea makes itself at home in your vegetable garden, Haumea likes carrots. This week is a chance try something new, like Octopus flavoured crisps or Bacon Flavoured Ice Cream. Keep your eyes on the moon this week, no reason, its just nice to look at

Sagittarius: The late new year party is at your house this quarter as Mars, Venus, Mercury and Ceres bring in the new year in your sphere of influence. According to Chinese Jewish Egyptians this is an auspicious sign for good luck in 2024. Always keep a picture of Concorde on your person, it’ll help keeping those pesky gnomes from getting in your house