Good Surrenders

The eternal war between good and evil ended abruptly today as good surrendered indicating that it had been defeated. Good, appearing in the form of African American actor Morgan Freeman, the embodiment of good according to most Hollywood producers, read a prepared statement at a hastily called press conference announcing the surrender. Good said the following,

“It is with great sadness that today I hereby announce the official surrender of the forces of good to longtime enemy evil. Our eternal war ends today with evil the victor. I would ask for mercy for the remaining forces of good, but knowing evil as I do, I am sure that would be a waste so I will simply say, the planet is your evil doers, do with it what you will. Any good beings listening to this I suggest you say your prayers and prepare for your imminent death. I am so sorry it had to end this way but you can’t be too surprised as we all knew once Trump was elected it was only a matter of time. As always you can count on me to do my best to try and help as many people as I can, but I’m afraid this will be the last time. After today helping others will be restricted to banding together with others of your tribe or family to battle your neighbors for whatever dwindling resources remain unclaimed by the heavily armed government militias sent to collect the new 50% production tariff imposed on all goods and services manufactured in the US intended for sale or use in the US or anywhere in the world. These tariffs will also apply to any slaves bought or sold at the new slave labor markets where human beings will be traded like commodities for use as free labor on the plantations of the nations few remaining billionaires. Those plantations will primarily grow crops for cryogenic storage aboard Elon Musk’s fleet of ships set to leave earth for Mars in 2050 carrying those rich enough to pay to escape the hellish nightmarescape that the earth will have become by that time. Any slaves that are not healthy enough for work or those deemed potentially dangerous such as scientists and democrats will be sent to re-education camps where they will learn of the true history of America and the world from professors from Fox news. Even though viruses will no longer officially exist, they will still actually exist and infectious diseases will run rampant in the camps and across America and America 2 (formerly Canada) as vaccines will no longer be legal. Those who become sick can expect a quick death at the hands of the new CDC which will be reorganized with the sole mission to combat and control outbreaks of “consumption” or other sicknesses that are definitely not caused by infectious agents using any means necessary. The bodies of the dead will be burnt in giant ovens or dumped in the pollution filled waters of the Gulf of America.

Evil, who appeared as the lead singer singer of legendary thrash metal band Slayer, Tom Araya, also read from a prepared statement.

As he spoke flames and ash spewed from the podium and reporters in attendance choked on the sulfurous fumes. Said evil, “Seas of blood, bury life, smell your death as it burns deep inside of you. Abacinate, eyes that bleed. Praying for the end of your wide awake nightmare. Wings of pain, reach out for you. His face of death staring down. Your blood running cold. Injecting cells, dying eyes. Feeding on the screams of the mutants he's creating. Pathetic harmless victims left to die. Rancid Angel of Death flying free.” He then screamed and took two large gulps from a flask filled with a red liquid hanging around his neck. He took a third gulp into his mouth, but rather than swallow it, spit it out upon the heads of the audience, covering reporters from the New York Times and Washington Post in what appeared to be blood. With that both good and evil turned from their respective podiums and walked slowly away.