Gloria vs. the Self-Checkout Machine

Miss Gloria Martin had a long-standing relationship with her local supermarket. She knew the aisles like the back of her hand, she knew the cashier who gave out extra coupons, and she always brought her own shopping bags—color-coded, of course. At 72, Gloria had no patience for nonsense and even less for machines pretending to be helpful. 😤

But today, the cashier lanes were closed. Every single one. Gloria stood at the front of the store, clutching her bag of green grapes 🍇 and a fistful of paper coupons, staring at the blinking lights of the self-checkout section like it was a UFO 🛸.

A teenage employee in a vest pointed cheerfully to one of the

achines. “You can go ahead and check out over there, ma’am.”

Gloria squinted at him. “Are you saying I have to scan this myself?”

“Yes, ma’am. It’s easy!”

That was his first mistake. Telling Gloria anything was "easy" was like telling a cat to relax during bath time. 🐱💦

She approached the machine cautiously, like it might bite. The screen lit up with a cheery “Welcome! Please scan your first item.”

She held up the grapes. No barcode.

“What am I supposed to do with these? Whisper the price into it?” 🗣️🍇

The machine repeated: “Please scan your first item.”

Gloria jabbed a few buttons, then accidentally selected “40 pounds of yams” from the produce list. She growled and hit “Cancel.” The machine froze. The teen in the vest appeared again like a ghost 👻.

“Need help?”

“No,” Gloria said firmly. “I was born before microwaves. I can handle this.”

She restarted the transaction and tried again. This time she found grapes in the system, though she wasn’t sure why they were asking about seedless versus not. “Who in their right mind is buying grapes with seeds in 2025?” she muttered.

Finally, she got the grapes scanned and placed in the bagging area. The machine didn’t approve.

“Item not recognized. Please remove item.” ❌

Gloria raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean not recognized? It’s grapes. You saw me scan it.”

She waved at the teen again. “Excuse me, the robot’s having a meltdown.” 💻🔥

He tapped a few buttons. “Okay, you’re good to go now.”

Gloria smiled sweetly. “Great. Now I’d like to use these coupons.” 😇

She unfolded a pile of crumpled paper from her purse like it was a treasure map 🗺️. The machine stared back blankly.

“I’m sorry,” the teen said. “This machine doesn’t take printed coupons. You have to upload them to the app.”

Gloria blinked. “App? What app?” 📱❓

“The store app. You have to download it and then link your loyalty account. It syncs your coupons automatically.”

Gloria stared at him for a long moment, then asked, “What exactly am I supposed to link it to? My toaster?” 🍞📲

“No, ma’am. Your smartphone.”

“I don’t have a smartphone. I have a phone. It makes calls.”

Another machine nearby beeped angrily at its user. The woman at it looked over at Gloria and whispered, “I miss people.” 😩

“You’re not alone,” Gloria replied.

Now visibly frustrated, Gloria returned her attention to the screen and punched a few more buttons. It asked if she wanted to donate to a local animal shelter.

“Maybe if the shelter teaches cats how to scan groceries.” 🐈💳

She declined the donation, declined the survey, declined the email receipt, and finally—finally—got to the payment screen.

She inserted her credit card. The machine froze again. This time, it simply said: “Please wait for assistance.” 🧊

The teen ran over, again.

“I think it’s mad at me,” Gloria said.

The screen rebooted. Everything was gone. No grapes, no total, no receipt. It was like she had never existed. 😑

“I’m not doing this again,” she said. “I will just go find someone to—”

Suddenly, a loud BEEP came from the machine. A receipt printed. It read: Total: $0.00. Thank you for shopping! 🎉🧾

Gloria held it up, victorious. “Well, I guess they’ve decided grapes are free today.” 😎

The teen looked panicked. “Wait, you can’t just leave—”

Too late. Gloria was already walking out the door, holding her grapes and her receipt. “Tell the robot I said thank you!” 🍇💁‍♀️

Later that day, a sign went up at the front of the store:
“Customers must be assisted at self-checkout. No outside coupons allowed. No exceptions.”
And underneath, in fine print:
“Yes, even you, Miss Gloria.” 🪪

She was banned, unofficially. But to the other shoppers who witnessed the battle? She became a legend. People whispered her name while trying to scan oddly-shaped vegetables. 🥒🥔 A few even claimed she broke the entire coupon system just by existing.

Gloria never went back. She started shopping at the little produce stand down the street where the owner gave her a discount just for being charming.

“No machines?” she asked the owner on her first visit.

“Just me and this old cash register,” he said.

She grinned. “Perfect.” 🧺✨

And from then on, Gloria did her shopping the old-fashioned way—with cash, conversation, and not a single beeping screen in sight.