Free Market Man Returns

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***

Fresh from his battle with the Bureaucracy Brothers, Free Market Man patrols the skies over America, the shining city built on a hill of U.S. dollars (and a few dead laborers).

However, no one knows better than the market’s sworn protector that threats to this way of life are ever-present. Thus, even a patrol of the docks, gateway to the greatest free exchange of goods on this planet (and most others) is far from a routine affair.

Indeed, Free Market Man has his head on a swivel, allowing his super hearing to catch the first indication that not all is well.

“…that’s going to be a 25% surcharge based on the valuation of these coffee beans, buddy.”

Super speed allows the paragon of profit to arrive on scene before the other man in the exchange can open his mouth to reply.

The Customs and Border Protection officer is surprised but not alarmed to feel the whoosh of air part his hair and find Free Market Man at his side. Indeed, his agency and Free Market Man have often joined forces in the past. Yet, this usual ally looks anything but friendly.

“25% surcharge. This reeks of extortion!” Free Market Man declares, moderating his super voice so as not to blow out either man’s eardrums.

The CBP man shakes his head. “Nope, all legal here. All coffee beans are charged an import tax.”

Free Market Man feels chills radiate down his spine at the final phrase.

“But we’ve already had this battle. Years ago,” he pushes. “The free market won out. I thought we all agreed.”

The agent shrugs. “Sorry, Free Market Man. It’s out of my hands.”

Free Market Man is troubled, not only by the man’s words, but his blasé attitude. He turns to the importer whose container was just inspected by the CBP officer. “And you’re okay with this?”

The mans shrugs. “Nobody drinks coffee like the Americans. They’ll just have to pay more.”

The thought sends a spike of pain shooting into Free Market Man’s heart, as if a stake had just driven through his chest. Enough of a momentary distraction for our hero to miss the first suggestion of movement as the doors swing open.

And a lapse that allows his arch nemesis to pelt Free Market Man with now not-fair-market-priced Ethiopian beans.

Regaining his senses, Free Market Man takes to the air, shouting, “I should have known it was you, Protectionist!”

“Why, Free Market Man, you act as if I’m the villain, when all I’m doing is protecting hard-working Americans and bringing manufacturing back to our shores,” Protectionist taunts, sending bean-based anti-aircraft ordnance after his foe with his powers of telekinesis.

“Most of those jobs don’t exist anymore. The market chose automation!” Free Market Man barks back. Tiring of dodging the flak, he halts his flight and turns his powerful heat vision on the incoming.

Only prompting Protectionist to throw more beans to keep Free Market Man’s attack from nearing him.

As raw coffee meets lasers, CBP agent and coffee importer are showered in smoking beans as neither has moved, instead watching with casual interest as the verbal sparring resumes.

“You’ll never win, Protectionist!” Free Market Man declares. “The consumers saw through your lies once. They’ll see through this ruse again.”

“Lies? When all I want to do is protect the poor coffee growers of Hawaii and Puerto Rico?”

Free Market Man’s beams intensify as his outrage grows. “All you’ve done is written them a free ticket to raise their prices by 25%. Now the American consumer is left with no choice; imported or homegrown, they pay more. It’s heresy to our free-market way of life. Heresy!”

“But think of how that will be offset by all the new American jobs created,” Protectionist counters with a snicker. “Isn’t that what we all want? American jobs?”

“True defenders of supply-side economics know that markets recognize no borders. All businesses must be made to compete, and let the most efficient win. There is no other way.” Free Market Man shakes his head. “Besides, those are islands with limited land, and coffee is a crop with specific climate needs. You can’t just create new coffee farms like you can till new wheat fields. You just haven’t thought this through, Protectionist!”

Then, the beams lessen as Free Market Man pauses. “Wait, Puerto Rico is part of America?”

Protectionist’s own attack weakens for a moment as he nods. “Right? Who knew?” Then an even more sinister smile takes the place of his previously still fairly sinister smile. “But it’s too late, Free Market Man. My ideas are now government policy. The law of the land. Your land!”

“No,” Free Market Man gasps, a second before a shackle shoots out of the ground and fastens around his left hand. Then another slams across his right. The finishing blow comes as an invisible shackle shoots up to fetter his sixth sense and source of his powers, the Invisible Hand.

All three chains drag our valiant hero to the ground despite his righteous resistance.

Just in time to witness the importer sign a check for the extra 25% import tax. Free Market Man hangs his head in utter defeat.

But his super hearing still allows him to catch Protectionist’s final taunt. “Ah, and you’ve given us a nice medium roast here with your heat vision, Free Market Man. Perhaps there is still some use for you in this new order I am building.”

Will our hero escape the bonds of state-imposed tariffs that threaten to strangle his beloved free market exchange? Or will Free Market Man be reduced to a human coffee roaster for the remainder of his days?

***

Author’s Note

I don’t know how this ends, but we’re about to fucking find out.