For Sale

“Good day, sir. Welcome to the shop.” The store front had a fading, peeling sign that just said, “The Shop,” so the salesman’s greeting when George stepped through the door seemed accurate, if a bit literal.

Last night had been a late one—George and his mates had gone to the pub to watch the football match, and one drink had led to ten… he’d slept through his first alarm this morning and only sprung out of bed the fifth time he’d hit the “snooze” button and realized he was going to be late. It wouldn’t be the first time, but from the stink-eye his boss had been giving him recently, it could very well be the last if he didn’t get moving.

And so now he was in a hurry to get a cup of tea on his way into his job to help him deal with staying upright, since he still felt a bit wobbly on his feet. Perhaps he wasn’t quite sober yet, but he had to pretend to be, at least for the next few hours.

So, it was quite a surprise to step through from the noisy street into this quiet and blissful escape of The Shop, almost as if its walls were soundproofed. His pounding head wasn’t pounding quite so much anymore in the silence. Even more of a surprise to see what was waiting for him.

Or not, as the case may be. “There’s nothing here,” he said, craning his neck from side to side. There were no shelves, no displays, no goods anywhere. Just a long stretch of empty floor and the counter at the back where the salesman was standing, apparently waiting for him. “What do you have for sale?”

The man turned up his thin lips in what could have been a smile. “Nothing.”

George shook his head. “What do you mean?”

“I have nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“That’s right, sir. Not complicated, is it?”

The salesman’s tone verged on snide, and George felt unbalanced at the vitriol, as if he’d just unknowingly stepped in a pile of dog shit before entering his mum’s house and then had to apologize for the mess. “Oh. Well, when will you have something?” he asked politely.

The man stared at him as if his customer had sprouted a second head. “I’ll never have something. I only have nothing. It’s in high demand, nothing is. If you’re looking for something, you have to go next door.”

Could he still be dreaming? Perhaps even now he was in bed with his alarm on its sixth snooze. “So, why would I pay for nothing?”

“Pay?” Okay, that was definitely a sneer. George wasn’t mistaking the salesman’s disdain, although it seemed odd. If something was called “The Shop,” shouldn’t it have something for people to buy?

“Yeah,” he affirmed, just in case.

The man shook his head. “You don’t.”

That made no sense. “What?”

“You ever hear the phrase, ‘You can’t get something for nothing?’ ”

George nodded. “Of course.”

“Well, you can’t get nothing for something. I won’t take money for it.”

“It’s free?” Suddenly, George wondered if he’d wandered into some sort of charity. But he wasn’t destitute and certainly wasn’t asking unreasonable questions, was he? This was most bizarre.

“As you wish.”

George hesitated. “What does that mean?”

“Nothing.”

“Hunh,” he muttered. “Of course it does.”

The man gestured around him with a broad sweep of his arm. “So… have you decided yet?”

“Hm?” What could the man mean? Decided what? “N—oooo. Still thinking.”

The salesman tapped his fingers impatiently on the counter. “Others will be wanting it.”

Now, he must have really gone round the bend. “What do you mean? It’s nothing.”

“Yeah. But once it’s taken, I won’t have it anymore.”

Perhaps it was the hangover, but, “That doesn’t make sense.”

“Exactly. Well? What do you say?”

Just as he was about to tell the man no, George stopped himself. Perhaps this was some sort of test. Maybe it was a secret reality game show and if he said no, then he’d miss out on winning a million pounds. Stranger things had happened.

If that were the case, at the same time he better not appear too eager. “I suppose…” he drawled as slowly as he could, “I’ll take it.”

The salesman’s tapping fingers stilled. He appeared to be studying George with an intensity that was unnerving. Without any explanation, he abruptly said, “No.”

George’s jaw dropped open. “What do you mean, ‘no’?”

“No, I don’t think you’ll have it.”

His voice rising, George said, “What? You’ve just spent the last five minutes trying to convince me to take it!”

The salesman shook his head. “No, I haven’t.”

“Yes, you have!”

“No, I was just telling you what we have, since you asked.” His eyes once more wandered up and down George’s figure. “But I don’t think it’d suit you.”

“What? Nothing doesn’t suit me?”

“No. On your bike.” The salesman made a shooing motion with his hands as if to say, “Bugger off.”

George rolled his eyes and turned back to the door. “This is ridiculous.”

Just as he was about to leave, the salesman called out helpfully, “Maybe try the shop next door. They might have something that would be better for you.”

George paused, one hand on the handle, and turned to look back at the salesman over his shoulder. “Oh, really? What are they selling?”

The man shrugged. “Who knows? I don’t deal in something. Or in sales, for that matter. Good day, sir.”