Complaint Department: Heaven — Zero Served

A man walks into the Complaint Department in Heaven, startling a very bored-looking angel behind the desk.

“I need to file a complaint,” the man says.

The angel blinks, his expression shifting from disinterest to disbelief.

“You’re kidding, right?”

“Nope. I have a complaint.”

The angel leans back, folding his wings around him like arms.

“This is Heaven,” he says slowly, like he’s explaining gravity to a goldfish.

“Every possible desire you could imagine is yours to behold and partake in. How could you possibly have a complaint? No one has a complaint. Honestly, if anyone has a complaint, it’s me — being assigned to the Complaint Department in Heaven.”

“Well, sorry to get your feathers all in a ruffle, but I do have a complaint, and I need it resolved.”

“What in God’s name could you possibly have a complaint about… wait, let me look up your file.”

The angel opens a large tome.

“Name?”

“Marcus Milligan.”

“Hmm… Milligan, Milligan… ahh, here you are. Marcus Milligan. It says here you were married to your high school crush, lived a fairly normal life… Wait — wow. Your death was pretty noble.”

Marcus shifts uncomfortably.

“Yeah… sure.”

The angel reads aloud:

‘Perished while rescuing a young girl about to be hit by a car while crossing the street.’

He raises an impressed brow.

“That’s… dramatic. Selfless. Very cinematic.”

Marcus mutters under his breath,

“More like… situationally convenient.”

The angel looks up.

“Come again?”

Marcus sighs.

“Okay look… I wanted to die. The little girl was just an added bonus. You don’t know my wife — nothing I did was ever good enough. ‘I’m such a disappointment.’ ‘I could’ve married the high school quarterback, but I went with you because I thought you were going to make something of yourself…’”

He rolls his eyes.

“And then when I said I was happy being an Amazon driver? Oh man, that really pushed her over the edge.”

“We were arguing in the car, and all I could think was, I should just throw myself in traffic. Then — like God was answering my prayers — “

The angel cuts in.

“He wasn’t.”

“ — this little girl steps off the curb, right in front of a bus. And I thought, ‘Well, no sense killing two birds with one bus.’”

The angel winces.

“I don’t think that’s how that saying goes.”

“Yeah, but you get my point.”

“So I push the girl out of the way, pause for a few seconds, and — bam. Heaven.”

The angel stares at him, incredulous.

“You know… technically you shouldn’t be here. That’s actually suicide, and we don’t — “ He sighs. “Whatever. What’s your complaint?”

Marcus leans in, lowering his voice like he’s sharing a dark secret.

“Well, I did all that… to get away from my wife.”

“Yeah… so?”

Marcus points over his shoulder with his thumb.

“She just got here. On the last elevator up.”

If you made it this far then I hope you enjoyed the read. You can always let me know by giving me a Clap and please leave a Comment telling me what I got right or wrong, because it’s always about improving and getting better. More to come so give me a Follow & Subscribe if you want to be there for it and let’s enjoy some greaA man walks into the Complaint Department in Heaven, startling a very bored-looking angel behind the desk.

“I need to file a complaint,” the man says.

The angel blinks, his expression shifting from disinterest to disbelief.

“You’re kidding, right?”

“Nope. I have a complaint.”

The angel leans back, folding his wings around him like arms.

“This is Heaven,” he says slowly, like he’s explaining gravity to a goldfish.

“Every possible desire you could imagine is yours to behold and partake in. How could you possibly have a complaint? No one has a complaint. Honestly, if anyone has a complaint, it’s me — being assigned to the Complaint Department in Heaven.”

“Well, sorry to get your feathers all in a ruffle, but I do have a complaint, and I need it resolved.”

“What in God’s name could you possibly have a complaint about… wait, let me look up your file.”

The angel opens a large tome.

“Name?”

“Marcus Milligan.”

“Hmm… Milligan, Milligan… ahh, here you are. Marcus Milligan. It says here you were married to your high school crush, lived a fairly normal life… Wait — wow. Your death was pretty noble.”

Marcus shifts uncomfortably.

“Yeah… sure.”

The angel reads aloud:

‘Perished while rescuing a young girl about to be hit by a car while crossing the street.’

He raises an impressed brow.

“That’s… dramatic. Selfless. Very cinematic.”

Marcus mutters under his breath,

“More like… situationally convenient.”

The angel looks up.

“Come again?”

Marcus sighs.

“Okay look… I wanted to die. The little girl was just an added bonus. You don’t know my wife — nothing I did was ever good enough. ‘I’m such a disappointment.’ ‘I could’ve married the high school quarterback, but I went with you because I thought you were going to make something of yourself…’”

He rolls his eyes.

“And then when I said I was happy being an Amazon driver? Oh man, that really pushed her over the edge.”

“We were arguing in the car, and all I could think was, I should just throw myself in traffic. Then — like God was answering my prayers — “

The angel cuts in.

“He wasn’t.”

“ — this little girl steps off the curb, right in front of a bus. And I thought, ‘Well, no sense killing two birds with one bus.’”

The angel winces.

“I don’t think that’s how that saying goes.”

“Yeah, but you get my point.”

“So I push the girl out of the way, pause for a few seconds, and — bam. Heaven.”

The angel stares at him, incredulous.

“You know… technically you shouldn’t be here. That’s actually suicide, and we don’t — “ He sighs. “Whatever. What’s your complaint?”

Marcus leans in, lowering his voice like he’s sharing a dark secret.

“Well, I did all that… to get away from my wife.”

“Yeah… so?”

Marcus points over his shoulder with his thumb.

“She just got here. On the last elevator up.”

#fiction #satire #darkhumor #heaven #shortstory #absurdism #creativewriting #blkspyderpublishing #dblkrose