Atheists Eradicate Last Ray of Hope In Dayton Ohio

In a devastating blow to human serenity, three youthful atheists successfully wiped out all organized religion in Dayton Ohio. The local population has since been seen wandering aimlessly in a fog of well-informed, yet existential, dread.

The remarkable turn of events was the brainchild of Dave Hargrove, Emily Lee, and Bob “Balls” Ramirez. Employed as baristas, they frequently were the targets of religiously offensive comments such as “Have a blessed day”, “Jesus saves” and “You're doing a great job, may God reward you”.

Having been rejected by local courts to have these phrases categorized as hate speech, the baristas decided to fight back. 

They subtly let customers know while ordering, “You know, bad things happen to good people for no reason.” 

Having received nothing but strange glances for days, and a few returned drinks, a few customers began to engage. 

“Tell me more,” said those who had recently received bad health scores, debt collection notices, or job terminations.

Inspired by the sudden interest in nihilism, the baristas began to organize.

Armed with logic, Richard Dawkins' The God Delusion, and a strong dose of caffeine, they hit the streets of Dayton hoping to crush the hopes and dreams of anyone irrational enough to be comforted by religion.

Visiting thousands of households, the baristas steadily delivered soul-shattering monologues about climate change, microplastics, and humanity's inability to escape from the black hole in the center of the galaxy. 

“Folks, let go of myths about divine intervention and face the hopelessness of our existence!” was the message.

“Look, we're not monsters,” Hargrove explained while handing out pamphlets entitled “Why Your Prayers Won't Cure Cancer” in front of a children's hospital.

“We're here to remind people that life is a random series of meaningless events all leading to inevitable oblivion.”

Eyewitnesses describe scenes of despair: a once happy soccer mom bursting into tears after being told that “God won't protect her son from suffering a crippling sports injury”.

A devout Muslim grandfather stared blankly at his front lawn after learning that “the Big Bang wasn't divine creation, just a cosmic fart.” 

Local churches, synagogues, and mosques saw attendance plummeting toward zero, as congregants gathered in dive bars to mutter about black holes and student loan debt.

A dad guzzling his fifth beer, holding his wife's hand in despair, said, “Love is just chemicals in your brain and someday the sun will explode.” 

At a nearby park, drug dealers were doing a booming trade.

Asked why he wasn't intervening in the drug dealing, a local police officer mumbled, “What's the point, anyway?”

Dave Hargrove was self reflective as to why he had devoted so much time and energy to devastating the hopes of Dayton. He explained, with an almost religious zeal, “So they know I'm right, and they're wrong.”

Experts, concerned for the well-being of atheists everywhere, warned that the movement could spread beyond Dayton.

Dr. Elena Vargas, a psychologist specializing in cults, cautioned, “Atheists also need their own hope — that they are the chosen ones, that everyone else has it wrong. It's like spiritual junk food. If everyone turns to atheism, they will be left like vegans arguing over whether seaweed is really a vegetable.”

We asked the atheist baristas, “If religious leaders are just frauds in robes, whom do they look up to for inspiration?”

The young baristas became momentarily silent.

Then, in unison, they declared, “the Dalai Lama” and spoke of the Tibetan wise man in the hushed tones reserved for things of the divine.

Disclaimer: The preceding content is a work of satire, crafted for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to actual events, persons, or baristas wielding logic like caffeinated crusaders is purely coincidental. This article is mainly self-deprecating — I was once a young loud atheist, who, over time, has learned to let everyone else do whatever works best for them. Don't try anything in this article at home, and please, keep your existential dread far from any coffee counter!